Post # 1
First, I just want to say that I’m a Christian. Have been ever since I was a child. It was never something that we aggressively studied and practiced, but I believe in God and love everything that he does for us.
Now, my husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for a little over 4 months. For 6 years he had a serious addiction to alcohol. He tried heroin once and had a bad reaction, died for a few minutes before they were able to bring him back. And then he was in a car accident before he ‘realized’ that he needed to do something before something happened to him. This was all before we were married.
The year before we actually married, he started to really get into God and the bible. Which is fine with me, because it was nice to see him believe in something and have something that could comfort him. But it’s like he’s traded one addiction for another. In the last year, he’s gotten progressively worse. All of a sudden I’m drowning in sin because I don’t want to listen to him spout bible verses at my face. I don’t want to hear how I’m doing everything wrong because he’s always RIGHT and he’s the only one that’s right. Now, it’s not constant. We have our days where everything is peaceful. Just this weekend we had a great time together. Of course, this was after an argument we had on Thursday, so maybe he was trying to make up for it or something.
But it happened again last night and he wasn’t just yelling at me, he was yelling at my grandmother, who lives with us. I’m at the end of my rope. I feel like I’ve been very patient with him and I’ve even spoken to him about coming on too strong, how he’s just building walls between us, but it seems like none of that matters once he gets into bible mode. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Any help would be greatly appreciated, because I do love him very much and I want to help him as well. But his path with God should be HIS path. Not mine.
Post # 2
This is a tough situation. Does he have a pastor or priest that you can talk to? Maybe they could tell him to knock it off or it will ruin your marriage.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that kind of behavior so kudos to you for handling it well. Do you go to church with him on sundays? Does he have a pastor or someone that could speak with him? I would suggest counselling but I’m sure he would want to do it through an officiant and then you would have two men telling you that you are a sinner… good luck bee.
Post # 4
I agree, this is a tough situation. It makes complete sense that he is 100% immersing himself in region. He has addictive tendencies so he is an all or nothing kind of person. It’s probably what he needs in order to keep from substance abuse. But what he should be aware of is how damaging his behavior is to the marriage.
Post # 5
kygirl242 : That’s the thing, he’s been doing this on his own. We don’t go to church, never have. He has this bible app on his phone and he reads that and my cousin is pretty religious so sometimes he’ll chat with him. But it’s just so extreme, I don’t know what would help.
Post # 6
smalltownbigworld : I definitely don’t want someone else coming in and saying I’m doing everything wrong when really, I feel like I’m doing the best I can. I’ve thought of doing counseling but I think I brought it up one time and he said he didn’t need the helpp. :-/
Post # 7
I would suggest spiritual counselling through the church. I think that he needs to find balance in his life with his walk with God and how he handles and deals with other people. If he were to try to reach other people through christianity and his walk he wouldn’t be effective because of his approach so this can have an impact on others as well. I think that he has to understand that we are all different and each person’s relationship with God is different. You can’t know someone else because they may not do it the way you want it done. It’s all about how God wants us to handle situations. He’s judging and its not okay to judge. I agree with the others he needs to speak to a pastor or spiritual advisor
Post # 8
He needs counseling now. He has addictive tendencies and he’s traded one addiction for another. His behavior sounds manic and bordering abusive. I would be at the point of ultimatum. Either counseling or divorce/separation.
Post # 9
Maegan Marie : Sometimes a person who has one addiction *will* trade it for another addiction. I think you are on to something there.
I’d suggest marital counseling – it is not healthy for him to use religion to put you in the wrong.
He may think he doesn’t need help, but your marriage does need help, and I hope he can see that.
Wishing you the best.
Post # 10
Thank you all so much. I’ll have to seriously look into some kind of counsellor to talk to him because divorce is the last thing I want to do. Besides, I’ll ‘go to hell and/or see him when I die anyway’ if we divorce.
Post # 11
This is a hard one. It seems your husband has choosen to take the extrem route with religion. One one has asked here yet. So, I will pose the question…
1. Do you know what type of religion your husbands app is based on?
2. Is it possible to get him to focus on a less fanatical religion?
3. Can you get him interested or focused on going to a physicial less fanatical church instead of using the app?
If he was more pron to wish to help out in a physical church and talk to real people face to face I personally would not care how much time he dedicated to the church.
Otherwise… I would seek out a counselor to speak to and possibly someone who has experience dealing with addictions.
Post # 12
Maegan Marie : smalltownbigworld : I have known many GREAT counselors (in the church) as well as out of the church who were wonderful, and not in the least bit judgmental or telling someone who sought help that they were “sinners”. I think that’s a little unfair and OP, I’d highly suggest finding a good counselor to help you and your husband navigate here. As many have pointed out, it seems like his highly addictive personality has manifested itself this time in the form of religion. Next time it could be working out, or eating, or spending money, etc.
The thing about people with addictive personalities is, it takes an INCREDIBLE amount of self awareness to admit that they have it. With professional help, you two could try and identify when the cycle starts and stops, and he can learn techniques to curb the impulsive behavior.
Post # 13
I had an ex-cousin, who did the same thing. Went from an addiction to alcohol (and many say drugs), to being addicted to Christianity, to the extreme.
With his former life, he would have ended up killing himself; with his constantly pushing religion down our throats, we all wanted to strangle him.
If he refuses counseling, please go by yourself, and I hope it helps you to deal with him and the situation. Good luck and hugs!
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
Speaking as someone who was raised Christian and then kind of left the faith, that sounds a little scary! I echo the sentiment of PP in advising some sort of counseling. I’d also advise getting a little tactical. What app does he have? Could you download it too? By seeing and understanding what he is reading, it will likely help you understand his actions and maybe even anticipate them?
Post # 15
Totally agree that some kind of counseling is needed. Maybe you could suggest that since he’s suddenly so religious, going to church would be good? What if you reserached churches in your area and picked one on the more moderate side with a pastor you like, and asked him to go with you? If you can get him into a space like that, where he can go to bible study and talk to a pastor, they would be able to show him what he’s doing wrong? If he was around a religious community of imperfect individuals, perhaps he’d see that there is not one unilateral way to follow any religion. Or would it help to remind him that Christianity is supposed to be about love and kindness, and he vowed to love and cherish you, and his behavior right now is anything but Christian? Unfortuntely, addictive personalities are really prone to extremism.