(Closed) My husband just quit his job… without telling me!

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 76
6507 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’d “leave him alone to figure this out” alright. I’d find another place to stay and tell him to call me when he either wanted to explain WTH he was thinking or when he had “fixed” this. This is simply unacceptable behaviour, made worse by the fact that he seemingly did this on a whim. If he DID do this on impulse, I’d rather be single than depend on someone like that again.

Post # 77
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I can’t imagine any intelligent adult doing something this reckless and irresponsible. 

Perhaps he was fired and doesn’t want to tell you or he’s having a complete mental breakdown. No sane person takes a $90 000/ year pay cut because they’re ‘bored’.. Especially with a child in a single income home. 

Post # 78
1169 posts
Bumble bee

lolot:  So would I. He would have so many texts, messages, and missed calls it would make his head spin!

I don’t understand what was so important, ON A SATURDAY, that he couldn’t stay home and discuss this with you like an adult. It almost seems like he is running away from the issue. It’s not going to fix itself. Is there anyway that if this “other job” doesn’t work out, could he go back to his old job?

Has he contacted you at all today?

Post # 79
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

whatjusthappened:  I could never trust him again. Think you’re somewhat burying your head here, trying to fix things but do not appear to be investigating this more, coupled with  you think it’s possible he could be under investigation, embezzeled, (honey he would not be leaving the house without me and the baby in the car if my fiance pulled this!) leads me to believe that this is not such a different marriage dynamic than what you already had.  

Am sorry for you and especially your baby. Good luck.


Post # 80
553 posts
Busy bee

Just read the update about him just leaving a note. So sorry you are dealing with this. Wish I knew the exact right thing to tell you. I really feel for you.

Post # 81
444 posts
Helper bee

whatjusthappened:  I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I admire your take-action approach to try and find a job for you and your baby’a sake. 

Do you know/have contact information for any of your husband’s work colleagues or friends that you can talk to to try to get more information? He’s not really leaving you with any other options at this point since he won’t be direct with you. 

Post # 82
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

whatjusthappened:  He left a note saying he was busy today and that he’ll be back later. So nice of him to leave me alone to figure out this mess…

The reason he is out gallivanting around is because he’s not worried.

He’s not worried because you told him you called your boss to get your old job back. He thinks everything is hunky dory. 

You caught that ball that he threw you and you’re running with it. Drop that ball! Calmly smile and tell him you hope he feels OK about his new job so he won’t be bored anymore. SMILE. Hand the bills to him and say you think he’d be better at handling it. Show him that you’re busy with the baby and you don’t have a care in the world. Tell him that your old boss doesn’t have a position for you. If he demands that you go back to work, just repeat: “I can’t.” If he starts yelling or arguing, leave the room. 

Go ahead and privately make a Plan B to go back to work full-time if your gut is telling you that’s the right thing to do, but don’t tell him for the meantime. Let him sweat bullets. It’s not like you have to go back to work next week. 

 Your baby is only seven months old. I know it’s disappointing to see the college/retirement money go out the window, but you still have plenty of time to plan your longterm financial goals.

ON THE OTHER HAND…. when I’m hearing that he dropped the bomb and then disappeared this morning without telling you where he is, that sounds like an abandonment, even if only temporary. I don’t mean to scare you, but one of my uncles pulled something like this. He was true blue for 10 years of marriage and then suddenly quit his job for a more “fun” job. Shortly after, he ran off with another woman, leaving my aunt to fend for herself and three kids. I’m not saying that your Darling Husband is like that — just pay attention to the signals. If there’s a possibility that you’re headed towards a possible future split, then YES, think about getting a job ASAP as part of an exit plan — for the sake of the baby and you. Only you know the answer to that question.

Also, while he’s out having fun today, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to check your emergency fund bank balances to make sure nothing flaky is going on there. 

I hope things work out. Your Darling Husband must have some wonderful qualities or you wouldn’t have chosen to start a family with him.

Big hugs to you. Take a deep breath. Don’t rush to make any big decisions right now. Obviously there is something brewing with him. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  .
Post # 83
3389 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t have any advice for you, Bee, but I just wanted to tell you I’m thinking of you and your family!

Post # 84
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

What concerns me is not his lack of regard for a $90K pay cut… But his lack of understanding that when you are supporting a mother and her baby, you owe it to her, your partner in life, to discuss life altering decisions before you make them.

Also, and I think even more concerning, is his lack of regard for having health insurance when you have a 7 month old baby at home. Anything can happen, and having medical insurance could be the difference between you all living comfortably and blowing your nest egg in a year over medical bills. For you two, AND your baby. And babies need to go in to the doctor frequently anyway, even if everything is fine.

A man who doesn’t think of his family before making a career change acts selfishly. That’s exactly what he is. Selfish. I would be horrified if my Fiance did that (we talk about doing exactly what you and your husband did) and didn’t consult me. He knows that when it comes to our careers, we make choices together. We’ve talked about that.

If my Fiance did anything your husband did, I would feel like I didn’t know the person I was looking at.

Post # 85
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

At this point, I would be having a heart to heart with my husband, I daresay a small ultimatum, that he needs to ask for his old job back or start looking for a better paying job than the one he’s starting monday.

People work jobs they don’t like all the time. What makes him any different? They do it because they have people to support. His sole priority should be his family. If that means working a job that he’s “bored” in, so what? He can keep his hobby. No one said he couldn’t. But that’s exactly what it should remain– a hobby. 

I’d be telling him that our marriage depended on him fixing this situation. It’s not about the money. It’s about his disregard for you and your baby. It’s about him thinking that your opinion doesn’t matter in your marriage.

Post # 86
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The fact that OP is NOT flipping out right now leads me to believe that there is more to this story.  If my husband up and quit his job one day, refused to speak to me about it and immediately took off on Saturday morning, I would seriously be questioning his mental health.  Something that out of character would trigger me to be immediately worried that he had a brain tumor or something (not even kidding.) A stark change in behavior and characteristic is seriously cause for alarm.  Does he have a history of mental illness?  This sounds like manic behavior… depending on his age, he could be exhibiting the first signs of a variety of mental or physical illnesses…

Post # 87
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

bkrocks13:  Oh, I think she’s flipping out alright….

Post # 88
3737 posts
Sugar bee

bkrocks13:  You’re out of your mind if you think she isn’t flipping out. The difference is she is being mature and a mom and sacrificing herself to make sure her baby is taken care of, unlike her husband who apparently doesn’t care about that.

OP, I am so sorry. My blood is boiling right now reading this. I was absolutely miserable in my last job for three years, but my husband went back to school and I knew I was the financial component. I didn’t leave my job until I found another one that made more and had the same level of benefits I previously had. That’s what responsible people do…but not everyone thinks that way, and I find men tend to think more about themselves and less about the responsibilities around them. I would be pointing out to him that the decision he made without you directly affects the way your child will now grow up, and ask if he thought about that or the fact that you wouldn’t be able to afford your home, etc. Sounds like he didn’t have a care or responsibility in the world when he made that decision. I’m so sorry, and its not fair that you’re now having to change your plans, but kudos to you for stepping up and doing the responsible smart thing. I really hope it works out!

Post # 90
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I would go back to work immediately. It’s not about whether you “trust” him…although he has not shown himself worthy of trust by leaving you out of this whole process…it’s about things not being fully in his hands with compensation. One of you has to act like an adult and prioritize your dependent child. Looks like that’s you for the time being. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position. 

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