Post # 91
Is this job something that Darling Husband could do from home or does he need to be onsite for? You could take on a part-time job where you were before and leave the baby with your Darling Husband. At least until you both were comfortable with his new job venture. It would give you a bit extra coverage until you knew for sure whether it was going to work or not.
Post # 92
I, with ali0118, wonder if child care may be handled by him while you look at PT gigs. So many people I know work alternate shifts so that baby is with a parent instead of paying another for longer-term care.
But keep your name on some of those waiting lists. You never know when you find a good situation and pay for that “few shifts per week” care.
I’m sure you still feel shell-shocked. When the rug gets yanked out from under you, stuff bobbles for quite a while. That’s gravity. That’s normal. Even he recognizes that (I suspect.)
But having been married to a “man’s man” (said in gruff voice for effect) for so many years, I can totally hear his male-thinking of “I’ve got this, please let me do this, we can cross this bridge right now if you just hold on to me.”
Hang in there, mama bee.
Post # 93
whatjusthappened: “it is also there for a safety net, but I just feel like its so irresponsible for me to dig my heels in and say “Nope, sorry hubby. You’re on your own now! Figure it out! I’m staying home!” I mean yeah I know I didn’t do this and he was an ass to leave me out of this, too late now! We can’t both be brats in this situation (much as I really want to be)”
^^This is totally on point.
I’d get your old job back and start working on insurance. I realize he said he’d take care of it, but it doesn’t seem like he’s being the most reliable person right now. Personally I think that the whole, “I didn’t feel like I could tell you” nonsense was BS. I think he came up with a way to get out of trouble by making you feel bad. He has been planning this for a quite some time. If he is so intimidated by you then why wasn’t he worried about telling you AFTER he’d already done it?
I’m sure he’s not a terrible guy, and this is by no means a “leave him” situation to me. However it’s going to take some work for you two to get right again. Maybe when finances are more secure you should try some marital counseling.
Post # 94
Wow. Ok, I’d take a job but maybe part time so you don’t drown money in child care as much. And every paycheck I’d put in PERSONAL account that you don’t share. Shit, open one if you don’t have it. And then hope for the best. If it works out, great. If not, you will have some money saved as security blanket for you and baby.
Good luck OP.
Post # 95
I’m sorry… you’re telling me that because I’m not properly conveying how upset I am over an internet forum that my husband has a brain tumor?
Post # 96
sylwia212: This. Do what generation upon generation of women have told their daughters to do once they have a child – create a nest egg. He can ensure he has the means to do the same himself if he wants to, but that’s down to him. For yourself and your baby, you need a safety net, because quite frankly he’s proven that you can’t rely on him to be it.
Post # 97
whatjusthappened: I’d still be pissed about how he handled it, but… Is this hobby a passion? Is this is his dream? Was he unhappy at his previous job? Is he excited about this new venture? Honestly if the answer is yes then I would support him. Big ventures like this can be scary but they can also pay off big time!
I think he really dropped the ball on how he handled this but it doesn’t sound like a pattern. He obviously works hard and is most likely educated and has a good head on his shoulders judging by his previous job and the financial stability you both have created for your family. I would trust him and support him on this. I think you’ll be ok.
ETA I’d probably also at least work part time for the added security.
Post # 98
What an awful situation. I wonder if this could be some kind of reaction to the reality/shock of becoming a father, possibly even a subconscious one? Especially as OP said that this kind of behaviour is completely out of character and they had planned so carefully for her to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. I’m not condoning his actions, I just wonder if maybe that could be some of the explanation for them.
Post # 99
whatjusthappened: just to be clear, i wasn’t suggesting that you throw your hands up and do nothing. I had earlier commented that you didn’t have all of the info, and it seemed to me that you jumped into fix everything before you had even absorbed what happened or gotten the facts from him.
Sometimes planners like to manage everything so much that it lets others off the hook, and I was just saying that you two need to do this together. He needed to own it.
The good news is it sounds like he is.
Post # 100
I think everyone on this thread agrees that your husband was wrong to have made this decision unilaterally, especially since, as it turns out, he gave it so much forethought and had plenty of time to have consulted with you. (Not that it would have been wiser or better for him to have done this spontaneously. However, that would have explained his not having discussed it with you in advance.)
I have no idea what percentage of your husband’s former salary the $90K pay decrease represents, and it’s good to hear that he now thinks that the difference in salary may be as “small” (relatively speaking) as $20K. As a prior posted noted, if your husband was making a great deal of money before, and, by most standards, would still be making a great deal of money (but perhaps far short of your current standard of living) now, you could consider altering your lifestyle to allow you to stay home with your baby.
Regarding the health insurance issue, I agree with a prior poster that you could choose to avail yourselves of your current insurance through COBRA for up to 18 months (though I should note that I am not familiar enough with the provisions of the ACA or any other potential new laws governing healthcare to know if any of them may have had an effect on COBRA.) However, COBRA can be extremely expensive.
Finally, I hope you and your Darling Husband are able to work through these issues and that he will come to see and admit that he was wrong for having done this without at least having discussed it with you first.
Post # 101
How old is he? This entire situation reeks of midlife crisis.
My husband suffered a midlife crisis in his early 40s, whining about he was a failure despite being the highest wage-earner in our group of friends, drinking all of my girly cocktails and binge eating Ben and Jerry’s, cycling to and from work so he wouldn’t get fat, falling off his bike and breaking his arm (which needed surgery, ugh), and eventually quitting his stressful management job that he hated. He stepped down to a lower-paying programming position, the type of job that he had enjoyed doing in his 20s. We had to scale back our lifestyle to the point that we’re living like college students again. But the thing is, HE ASKED ME HOW I’D FEEL ABOUT HIM TAKING A HUGE PAYCUT FOR HIS MENTAL HEALTH BEFORE HE QUIT HIS JOB. Because you know, that’s what life partners do. THEY COMMUNICATE.
So sorry that your man did not communicate. The lack of communication would be a huge violation of trust for me and I don’t know if I’d be able to forgive Darling Husband if he behaved like your man did. It bugs me that he went behind your back because he didn’t trust you to be supportive. Have you ever been unsupportive of his life choices in the past? (I doubt it.)
Best wishes to you and baby during this crazy stressful time…
Post # 102
whatjusthappened: no, I’m saying that you conveyed that your husband did something totally out of character and beyond reason and that it seems like you took it very, very well. Way better than me, for sure. I didn’t say your husband had a brain tumor, I was relating how I would have reacted in a similar situation if my husband did something totally out of character like, say, quit his job without telling me or, for example, got a tattoo on his forehead. Both of those things would signal to me that something was seriously wrong with my husband, just like if I came home one day having had quit MY job without speaking to him first. Similarly, if my sister called me and told me she had suddenly forsaken her career (science) to become a reiki healer, I would also think something was wrong.
Its not the action that I’m saying is bad- quitting your job does not mean you have a brain tumor. But doing something completely out of character to those who love you can be a sign of a mental or physical issue and I don’t think you can dispute that.
Post # 103
bkrocks13: It can also just be a sign that the OP’s husband simply pulled a total dick move. I mean that also explains this out-of-character behavior…
Post # 104
whatjusthappened: Decision to go back to work is up to you. Your husband seems to be fine with whatever you want to do. I don’t know that going to back to work or not is about trusting your hubbie. I think it’s more about what going to make you feel more comfortable now that things have changed.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t like what your hubbie did here. You have every right to be upset and angry. I’m glad he’s admitted that he handled this situation horribly. He told you that he didn’t think “You’d hear him out” about him wanted to change jobs. Do you think there might be any truth to that? My now hubbie and I had some problems a few years back. We got into a huge argument. He told me that I didn’t listen to him. That it was “my way or the hwy”. More or less that I was too controlling. I wouldn’t really consider his wants/needs if it wasn’t what I had planned/wanted. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that he felt that way. After several months and a few other incidents I came to see that he had a point. The reason I’m saying this is because you don’t want him to do something like this again. Your hubbie changed jobs. It’s done and you’re just going to have to deal with it 🙁 I’d suggest asking him why he felt like you wouldn’t hear him out? Maybe communication could be better between you guys? Something to consider.
Post # 105
All I can say after seeing this is I am terribly sorry this happened. For myself I need stability, though it’s mostly myself in my relationship who provides it. I make sure our financials work and that we have a buffer. My Fiance makes ALOT more money than I do though in Trades industry.The thought of having a baby and then having my Fiance tear it all apart through quitting his job is crazy. I would be pulling my hair out and I would be enraged. BUT I can in a little way relate. I don’t have a baby but my Fiance and I used to both work full time day jobs. Nothing amazing but we were earning quite alot between us and we were more than comfortable saving for a home. I temporarily quit working to go to uni as we were more than stable with his income. About 8 months into my degree he came to me and told me he had quit his job to pursue his own business venture and that in doing that he also needs my help to do the office stuff as he is no good (tradie). I dropped university and my aspirations for my FIs dream business venture. We have had over 12 months of ups and downs but he is determined to make this work. I can’t fault him on his actions since he has been running this business with me but prior I was horrified. Now I guess we are trying to work on this together and make it work. So I know how you feel in a small way. No one likes their lives turned upside down. I hope you get some clarity and that your husbands opportunity works in your Favour. As my brother keeps saying to me – you only live once xx