He pulled the classic *better to ask for forgivness than permission* move.
You are absolutely right to be completely and utterly pissed. You said:
So my Darling Husband has a friend in this other industry, we’ll call him Mark, who came to my Darling Husband about 4 months ago with this new job he starts Monday.
So this has been in the works for 4 months and he left you in the dark about it until it was already a done deal. That is just breathtakingly self-serving. You also said:
He did say that he is beyond sorry that he didn’t tell me and that it was a shitty thing to do to me (YA THINK?!?!?) but he didn’t think I would hear him out…
Which is complete and utter bullshit. Of course you would hear him out. You would hear him explain how he wants to quit his job to start a new business venture, leaving you with $90,000k less a year in income and with no benefits, unable to cover your mortgage, all with a new baby in the house. I mean yeah, you would hear him out. But then you would say something practical and logical like *can you work the new venture part-time around your current job until it gains momentum?* or something else logical like *can you drop down to part-time at your current job and do the venture part- to full-time*. Or any number of logical, reasonable possible approaches.
When he says you wouldn’t have heard him out, what he means is, you wouldn’t have let him throw caution – and your medical coverage – to the wind to do what he damn well pleases without that pesky business of treating you like – oh I dunno – his fucking partner.
MY Darling Husband would basically start by working under Mark while contracting our to several other associates of Mark’s to make up a solid chunk of the difference in his base salary. So according to my Darling Husband, he will only be making maybe $20-25k less and not $90k like he first told me.
Damage control. And yet more bullshit. He’s backtracking and giving you the *best case scenario* here. Trying to make it sound like it isn’t going to be that bad. It’s interesting that the one thing he doesn’t have some bullshitty, best-case-scenario (read: minimizing) solution to is the benefits. That one he *admits is on him* (uhhhhh….like the rest of this shitshow isn’t on him??? wtf?) and he is going to *make that right again*. Well here’s the thing. If he started planning all this as much as 4 months ago, shouldn’t he have at least come up with some kind of game plan for the coverage? Like, he’s got nuthin’ or what? Seriously? Planned and started an entirely new business venture gave notice at and quit a lucrative job but hasn’t got even the vaguest loose plans in the works for medical coverage yet?
Then he tops of this gigantic shitcake with a heaping dollop of *you don’t beleive in me* so that you’ll be nothing but Sally Supportive to him. How manipulative is that? You don’t even have to be infuriated because I’m fucking infuriated for you sister.
How does he expect you to go forward with the knowledge that you can’t ever really feel secure and safe becasue he might be planning and scheming behind your back to pull the rug out from under you at any moment. How does he not realize that? This is something that I would 100% make an appt with a counsellor and really lay it all on the line at that first session that this is a fuck-up of monstrous proportions. He really needs to get that.
Because as fucked up as it is, the most alarming thing is how unconcerned and pollyanna he seems to be about the whole thing. I mean does dude have any idea of how many ventures don’t make it past the first year? That it takes years to turn an actual decent profit? Which reminds me, how much of the marital money is going – or already went – into starting this up? Anyone with a coupld of brain cells to rub together would be scared shitless jumping all in right off the bat like he just did. He either isn’t really thinking things through and seeing long-term or he is thinking it through and he still did it anyway. It’s absolutely nerve-wracking that he is at least half in charge of your families well-being because he is not showing himself to be a very rational or logical thinker.
You need answers.
– are any of your personal assests linked to this business?
– did he take out loans?
– how will this partnership with Mark work? Did they do everything legally or did he jump in without protecting himself and doing shit right?
– what effects will this have on taxes, possible unemployment, worker’s comp, etc with you unemployed and him self-employed?
Gosh there’s a zillion other questions you could ask. Sit down with a glass / bottle of wine and list as many as you can think of. Then start getting answers. I’m sure he has all the answers because he most likely exhaustively researched every aspect to death for the last several months before he pulled the trigger. Behind your back.