(Closed) My husband just quit his job… without telling me!

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 106
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

whatjusthappened:  I’ve been following your thread for a bit here and (haven’t read all the replies) but thought I’d pipe in, especially following your last update.

The way he did this was shitty, and so was the timing. However, to play devil’s advocate here, quite honestly OP this could have been an opportunity for him that doesn’t come along very often. If he is an ambitious A-type guy, a good income will never replace mobility and control in his career. Let’s face it, you decided that you would be a stay at home mom, and he would be the primary breadwinner. But, if he’s stressed and completely unsatisfied/unstimulated at work, he will get burnt out, which will not be good for your family either.

I think it’s time to sit down and figure out what his career ambitions are. If he has an entrepreneurial spirit, you will have to make some adjustments and perhaps when baby is old enough, work part time to take the pressure off him and enable him to follow his dreams as well. 

Relationships are are give and take and perhaps he has been placating his desire for doing something more out of the box in order for you to have what you want. Given that he was afraid to talk to you about it, my guess is that he has an entrepreneurial mind and you tend to prefer the stability of having a good job with a solid company. Neither are wrong but both require sacrifices depending on the type of person you are. If you force him to continue on in that position, he could very well eventually get depressed and begin (unintentionally) sabotaging himself. I know I’ve done it in the past for the very same reasons. 

I hope this helps somewhat. Honestly it’s scary telling your SO that you just stumbled upon this awesome opportunity for a new venture and it’s been your lifelong dream. Reason being that it’s super risky! But if that’s who he is, you can work through it together and have the best of both worlds with a little bit of communication and adjustments!! Best of luck 🙂

Post # 107
3169 posts
Sugar bee

For the record, I don’t think your husband has brain tumour, was embezzling money, has been taken over by body snatchers or was brainwashed by a cult 

Post # 108
197 posts
Blushing bee

whatjusthappened:  So I’ve been following this thread the whole way and after your last update, I’m surprised noone has said this.  The whole ‘I didn’t think I could talk to you, you don’t have faith in me, you just need to trust me’ thing? – Bull. Absolute Bull. Honestly, to me it reeks of him trying to displace blame and shift it back on to you. ‘Oh, it’s not my fault, I just couldn’t talk to you. I thought you’d be angry. Just like you are now. See?’ And then instead of blaming him, you’re now concerned as to whether you are ‘showing him that you trust him.’ No. A thousand nos. He is trying to tell you your feelings are wrong. That by being angry and not trusting him, you are just ‘proving’ that he was right in ‘not trusting you.’ HE IS IN THE WRONG HERE. You have nothing to prove to him. He took that job and had WEEKS to mention it to you but decided his opinion was more important. Honestly, I would be saying to him that you did trust him, wholeheartedly, and he could have come to you with this, with anything, and you would have supported him. But not now. The way HE has acted is what has destroyed that trust. It’s on HIM.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. But don’t let him try and pin his behaviour on you <3

Post # 109
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

GrumpytheDwarf:  I don’t know… Your plan of OP going back to work  part time when baby is older so her husband can expand his hobby is GREAT. Or it would have been, if they had come up with it before he quit his job and left her zero choices.

Post # 111
730 posts
Busy bee

whatjusthappened:  this is so crazy. “Darling Husband also said that the one thing he really neglected here was the health insurance ,..” Really? No! He neglected you, your sanity, your marriage, Etc. I hate that he’s framing it as being about faith in you…no! It’s about his ability to be a man! Omg. I’m so sorry. I can’t understand him at all. The explanations he offered are just as messed up. 

<br style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1000000px;” />Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-husband-just-quit-his-job-without-telling-me/#ixzz3X4OlqXAK

Post # 112
964 posts
Busy bee

He pulled the classic *better to ask for forgivness than permission* move.

You are absolutely right to be completely and utterly pissed. You said:

So my Darling Husband has a friend in this other industry, we’ll call him Mark, who came to my Darling Husband about 4 months ago with this new job he starts Monday.

So this has been in the works for 4 months and he left you in the dark about it until it was already a done deal. That is just breathtakingly self-serving. You also said:

He did say that he is beyond sorry that he didn’t tell me and that it was a shitty thing to do to me (YA THINK?!?!?) but he didn’t think I would hear him out…

Which is complete and utter bullshit. Of course you would hear him out. You would hear him explain how he wants to quit his job to start a new business venture, leaving you with $90,000k less a year in income and with no benefits, unable to cover your mortgage, all with a new baby in the house. I mean yeah, you would hear him out. But then you would say something practical and logical like *can you work the new venture part-time around your current job until it gains momentum?* or something else logical like *can you drop down to part-time at your current job and do the venture part- to full-time*. Or any number of logical, reasonable possible approaches. 

When he says you wouldn’t have heard him out, what he means is, you wouldn’t have let him throw caution – and your medical coverage – to the wind to do what he damn well pleases without that pesky business of treating you like – oh I dunno – his fucking partner.

MY Darling Husband would basically start by working under Mark while contracting our to several other associates of Mark’s to make up a solid chunk of the difference in his base salary. So according to my Darling Husband, he will only be making maybe $20-25k less and not $90k like he first told me.

Damage control. And yet more bullshit. He’s backtracking and giving you the *best case scenario* here. Trying to make it sound like it isn’t going to be that bad. It’s interesting that the one thing he doesn’t have some bullshitty, best-case-scenario (read: minimizing) solution to is the benefits. That one he *admits is on him* (uhhhhh….like the rest of this shitshow isn’t on him??? wtf?) and he is going to *make that right again*. Well here’s the thing. If he started planning all this as much as 4 months ago, shouldn’t he have at least come up with some kind of game plan for the coverage? Like, he’s got nuthin’ or what? Seriously? Planned and started an entirely new business venture gave notice at and quit a lucrative job but hasn’t got even the vaguest loose plans in the works for medical coverage yet?

Then he tops of this gigantic shitcake with a heaping dollop of *you don’t beleive in me* so that you’ll be nothing but Sally Supportive to him. How manipulative is that? You don’t even have to be infuriated because I’m fucking infuriated for you sister.

How does he expect you to go forward with the knowledge that you can’t ever really feel secure and safe becasue he might be planning and scheming behind your back to pull the rug out from under you at any moment. How does he not realize that? This is something that I would 100% make an appt with a counsellor and really lay it all on the line at that first session that this is a fuck-up of monstrous proportions. He really needs to get that.

Because as fucked up as it is, the most alarming thing is how unconcerned and pollyanna he seems to be about the whole thing. I mean does dude have any idea of how many ventures don’t make it past the first year? That it takes years to turn an actual decent profit? Which reminds me, how much of the marital money is going – or already went – into starting this up? Anyone with a coupld of brain cells to rub together would be scared shitless jumping all in right off the bat like he just did. He either isn’t really thinking things through and seeing long-term or he is thinking it through and he still did it anyway. It’s absolutely nerve-wracking that he is at least half in charge of your families well-being because he is not showing himself to be a very rational or logical thinker.

You need answers.

– are any of your personal assests linked to this business?

– did he take out loans?

– how will this partnership with Mark work? Did they do everything legally or did he jump in without protecting himself and doing shit right?

– what effects will this have on taxes, possible unemployment, worker’s comp, etc with you unemployed and him self-employed?

Gosh there’s a zillion other questions you could ask. Sit down with a glass / bottle of wine and list as many as you can think of. Then start getting answers. I’m sure he has all the answers because he most likely exhaustively researched every aspect to death for the last several months before he pulled the trigger. Behind your back.


Post # 113
910 posts
Busy bee

interchangeable:  this. All of this. 

I’d be transferring all the “joint” money out of your account into personal account and telling him you need it as a cushion incase he makes any more major life decisions without telling you – he’ll just have to trust you with it. 

Post # 114
964 posts
Busy bee

And believe in you too. Don’t forget that. You really need him to believe in you and that you are doing the right thing for the family by insisting that everything be in your name. Especially after learning that he didn’t trust you and believe in you enough to share his awesome new venture plans with you.

Post # 115
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with the last few comments. Protect yourself, since he showed you he won’t protect you.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.


What a fucking ass.

Post # 116
10881 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State


I’d get back to work immediately.  Don’t fall for his BS about how this is your fault because you have no faith in him.  He’s given you excellent reasons to have no faith in him.  

I’m thinking the LEAST of your concerns would be proving that you “trust” him.  The greatest of your concerns is keeping youself & your baby financially intact & safe.  I personally would not take a wait & see approach to your husband’s new gig.

Going back to work can only be a win win for you.  If his venture flops, you’re covered.  If it takes off like a rocket, great.  You can add to your nest egg.

Meanwhile, I suggest counseling to work on your marriage.  You’ve just suffered a major trust violation & it will take hard work to get back on track.  

I also agree with a PP who suggested you transfer joint funds into your personal account.  I’d want to be sure that money is out of your husband’s reach to be sure he can’t dump any of it into his new business adventure.

How did he get from a $90K pay cut to a $20K pay cut?  Are you sure you believe him?

What he did was unconscionable.  I think your highest priority is to take financial care of yourself & your baby.  If that hurts his wittle feelings or makes him feel like you don’t trust him–who cares?  Right now, he doesn’t deserve trust.

Post # 117
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

GrumpytheDwarf:  I’m the daughter of an entrepreneur and a homemaker.  Never, ever did my entrepreneur father make a single decision without consulting, and at the very least giving my stable, big company, consistent salary loving mom a heads up.

Yes, entrepreneurs take risks and that lifestyle is not for everyone.  But that has nothing to do with being honest and forthright within your marriage.

Post # 119
775 posts
Busy bee

whatjusthappened:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. . 

I imagine that if this happened to me, in the relationship I’m in now, I would be devastated. My Fiance lying to me in this way would probably end, or nearly end, our relationship. To be considering this decision for so long and not tell you is lying to you. I cannot even imagine not discussing something this momentous with my partner. Whether he was worred about how you’d react or not, tough shit, that’s what being in a relationship means, and he made that choice when he decided to marry you and have a child with you. The fact that he’s lied to you for at least four months about this decision would disturb me greatly and would honestly lead me to question every single thing he had ever told me. In my opinion, this is equatable with an affair and you might find some help with dealing with it from women whose marriages have survived that type of hardship. 

Good luck!

Post # 120
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

babeba:  Annonnie89:  I completely agree with you, there’s no question. But from my understanding, OP wants to move forward. AND also from my understanding, OP’s husband has been a responsible and upfront guy aside from this one situation. Given these two assumptions, I gave her my opinion on the only thing she really can do about it (and again assuming that this was truly a one off situation). Everyone here seems to be turning the OP’s husband into an irresponsible asshole, and while no doubt he comes across this way within the context of her story, nobody here really knows either one of them and it’s possible that this was more innocent (and just poorly thought out and executed) than it seems.

Regardless, I’d be livid and feel pretty betrayed as well. But moving beyond that, either you communicate and make it work, or you leave the guy, it’s as simple as that in the long run. 

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