(Closed) My husband just quit his job… without telling me!

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 121
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

GrumpytheDwarf:  But part of communicating is her putting across to him in no uncertain terms that this was a completely unacceptable thing for him to do. And to communicate that it would seem he knew it was an unacceptable thing to do, which is why he didn’t discuss it with her.

So, going forward, he needs to understand that hiding unacceptable things from her so he can continue to do them is not an option in this relationship.

Post # 122
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

I hope that your job makes a decent paycheck, child care for a baby under 1 is so expensive it seems!  I think it is horrible that he has known about this opportunity for months and gave his real 2 week notice and everything without telling you.  That is horrible of him that he didn’t want to tell you this because he didn’t think you would support it.  Being married is telling people things even if they might not react to it as well as you hope.

Post # 123
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

whatjusthappened:  WOW, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around what you must be going through right now. This is insane and no woman should have to deal with it. I am so sorry. I am livid for you. 

This is disturbing not just for what happened (although I’m sure you’re in a panic trying to figure out how to move forward with your life right now), but for all that it tells you about your marriage. There are some Grand Canyon-levels of emotional distance between your husband and you, and without your husband (and you, but OMG your husband) seeeeeriously working on communication, the future doesn’t look bright.

The fact that he has been planning this for FOUR MONTHS and never let on a thing is SO DISTURBING. I mean, is he a sociopath? A narcissist? How could he so convincingly lie to you for months? How could he possibly think that it was ok to withold this information from you? Therapy, therapy, therapy. You two need serious couple’s counseling to work through this, it should be mandatory.  

While I admire your spirit of moving forward & learning to forgive him, I urge you to give full expression to your anger, your hurt, your worry. He needs to see those and you need to have them heard. He owes it to you. If he’s a human being who actually gives a sliver of a shit about you, he should empathize with you & possibly (maybe?) even feel some of the same things.

This isn’t just an isolated incident that you can decide to let go of, you two need to get to the root of the problem and heal THAT wound. Why was he so desperate to avoid conflict with you that he kept this from you for months? How could he be so short-sighted about your needs as to ignore them altogether? Why does he view you as an antagonistic authority figure instead of his PARTNER there to love and support him? If his “boredom” was so extreme as to prompt this extreme behavior, why did he shield you from that instead of sharing it with you so that you could support him emotionally? Why the lies and the secrecy? What the actual fuck?

Post # 124
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

outofideas:  I completely agree!

OP – I feel so bad that you were put in this crappy situation.  It sounds eerily similar to what my cousin went through a few of years ago.

Her husband also came home one day and said he was startin a new company with a couple of his friends, in a completely different industry than what he was in.  She was mainly a Stay-At-Home Mom as she only worked 2 shifts a month, just to keep her license up to date.  She was devastated as he too had this in the works for months.  He too (which is why to me this is scary) he gave my cousin the SAME EXACT SPEECH on how he didn’t tell her ahead of time because he was worried she wouldn’t go along with it.  As a PP said, better to ask for forgiveness and not permission?

Since she didn’t have a choice in the matter, and since he too didn’t give a whole lot of thought about health insurance (“It will work itself out”), she was able to get a part time position with benefits so she picked up the insurance.  Most of the family told her she was nuts, as he did this, it’s up to him to make it right, but like you, she felt responsible for being the only “adult” in the house.

Before he did start the business, she made it very clear that she would be no part of it.  He did not use any of their savings for it – he took out a loan with his partners.  They created a company and her name wasn’t on it at all, so she had no legal obligation to it.

Long story short, the business did well for about 2 years.  Then, like so many businesses, it started to go downhill, slowly at first, then quite fast.  The 3rd year she was forced to go back to work full time to make up the difference in income.  She told him she would give him one more year and if things didn’t pick up he needed to find a different job.  They were barely making ends meet as she made a lot less than him and was covering insurance and daycare costs.

So after that 4th year, things were still very rough and he went back on his word and said he’s not going back to “company life”.  They tried counseling.  She couldn’t get past the resentment that he broke her trust by not consulting her and then basically blaming her for not trusting him.  He finally admitted he couldn’t handle being the sole provider and having his own company was his dream job.  He never admitted why he felt like he couldn’t talk to her ahead of time.

After much soul searching, she left him.  Once they separated, he realized that he had ruined their marriage, but it was too late.  She could never trust him again.  She spent years harboring resentment and spent time in therapy herself to try to get past that.  She is now remarried, very happily, to a man that treats her like an equal.  She finally has a true partnership.

Obviously this is worst case scenario and I’m not telling it to try to make you feel worse.  My cousin went back to work because it was obvious her ex wasn’t going to take care of them.  Because she had a child, like you, she felt like she had to do something, but at the same time, knowing that she would go back to work enabled him to keep with the business longer instead of getting out.  He KNEW she would back him up, even though he blatently said he didn’t think she would.  He was a complete coward.

I don’t know what I would do, as I too would feel like I had to do something and be the responsible parent.  Please above all, take care of yourself and don’t let this resentment build.  Maybe if this is a one-of-a-kind behavior for him, you can give him the benefit of the doubt for a while.  Give him a time frame, like if the business isn’t doing X by such-and-such date, he’ll find a different job. (Of course that doesn’t mean he will go back on his word) Let him see how much this has angered and hurt you.  I definitely think counseling is worth a shot.

You’re going to be on a rocky road for a while and I hope you’re able to get through this without permanent damage to your relationship.

Post # 125
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think I could get past this if this happened to me. If my husband suddently started making decisions as an individual and not as a couple, not as a FAMILY with a small baby… no way. I think that would be it for me. It’s completely and utterly unacceptable to make life-altering decisions without consulting your spouse.

Heck, I even tell my husband when I’m going to spend our money on a pair of shoes and he tells me when he’s buying a pair of new jeans or whatever. Not because either of us would reply anything other than ”uh-huh” or try and limit each other in any way, but because it’s common courtesy to involve your spouse in decisions that affect them (their cash-flow, their insurance, their job), no matter how minor those decisions might be. I can’t even fathom that someone would make a decision as big as that without consulting their SO, and I can’t believe that some posters are excusing his behaviour.

Post # 126
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

I haven’t read all the replies yet and I’m sure it’s been said over and over, but I’m willing to bet your husband got fired. That’s the only sensible explanation. I’d be doing some serious digging if I were you.

Post # 127
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

I wouldn’t even care about the job thing at this point. I would still need to talk to him about where his choices leave your marraige. I’d tell him that I don’t trust him anymore. I’d tell him that I don’t feel like this is a partnership anymore. He made life-changing decisions without you and his story is that he gave two weeks notice and everything. Meaning he just didn’t think filling you in was a good idea in all that time. Trust is out the window. To me, this would be as foundation-shaking as infidelity. he would litterally have to build my trust back from ground zero. He either didn’t consider you, or chose not to fill you in. He is acting like a single person, and unless he showed me that he was serious about re-building what he has broken, he can make all the single-man decisions he wants.. because I’d be out of there. 

Post # 128
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

Like some other bees have said, the job thing is a symptom of a deeper problem. Your baby is 7 months old, which means that when he/she was only 3 months old, your husband was already looking for an exit from his job and keeping it from you. I think going from two incomes to one income and a baby freaked him out more than he thought it would, and I’m in no way excusing his behaviour. He’s frankly, acted like an idiot and like a bachelor. Sometimes, a rapid change in jobs can be for the better, but it doesn’t sound like he has any idea of how to start and run a business, and he’s already alienated his #1 support person (you) and placed undue strain on your marriage. He’s thinking about himself, not his family and I definitely recommend that you find a way to cover your own butt in case you find that you just cannot trust him. 

I’m sure we all want to quit our jobs and follow our dreams, but we committed to our spouses and our families and it’s just not okay to up and leave. I’m bored at work, and I’d love to own my own flower shop, but that doesn’t make it okay to just quit, take out a loan, and say “too bad, I’m doing it.” That’s just selfish.

 

Post # 130
Member
6510 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I will say that he’s a lucky man to have a wife who is so understanding, and on top of that has the ability to go back to work to get health insurance covered. I am not sure I could ever get past this “lapse in judgement.” For you and a baby to be depending on him, and for him to encourage you to depend on him and then pull this… Well, like I said, you are probably a bigger person than I am for being able to handle this as well as you have. Good luck.

Post # 131
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

Thanks for the update.

From a fellow wife for over a decade, I salute you on making it through the weekend after the BIG BRAIN BURP of 2015. Here’s hoping you will look back on this and laugh, sooner than later. One silver lining is that you had mentioned how you had been having unsettled feelings about being down to one income, and this turbo charged any eventual pursuit of returning to the workforce. And the fact that your former boss was so quick to snap you back up is very gratifying. Good for you.

😉

Post # 132
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

whatjusthappened:  Thank you for the update OP. Here’s hoping 12 months from now you are looking back from a much happier place. 

Post # 133
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

whatjusthappened:  I have been reading these posts and your updates.  I was in utter shock reading your story, but you have handled it with such grace and dignity.  I know you’re still in the midst of it and probably still processing it but I just wanted to wish you good luck and continuous strength during this situation.

Post # 134
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Geez. Just reading through all your updates. Glad you’re getting a hings together. Besides the practicalities of insurance and childcare, you’re going to have to work on rhe marriage. Borh his lack of trust that led him to not discuss with you, and your new lack of trust given his doing this without your input. Hard. Work all around, but you both seem committed to the relationship, which is the important thing.

Post # 135
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

My father did the same thing to my mother before he took his life. After he died we found so many lies of his and didn’t know how to deal with it. It started off as “I quit my job.” Then “let’s move to another state.” He wasn’t like this at all until he was in his mid thirties. Always responsible, always a loving father then boom. He refused to tell my mother the truth and my mother didn’t want to stress him out with questions so they just brushed it off and continued in life. You may want to ask if he is struggling with depression and needs help. I’m not saying what my father did is what your husband did or will do but I also think it’s a good idea to evaluate his mental stability especially if this isn’t normal behavior. I’m not trying to scare you but as someone that has experienced it first hand it wouldn’t be a bad idea to maybe get him counseling and also go to a couple counselor. Better safe than sorry.

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