(Closed) My husband just threw our futures away, how do I forgive him?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@hotchildinthecity:  I get that, but he said he was going to kill himself from being there…that’s awful…you don’t get anything if you husband offs himself because he hates his job either…

Post # 18
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would also like to add that him being that doggone miserable at his job will spill into his life at home, and she will become miserable. It’s a tough situation.

Post # 19
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t blame him for leaving a job he hated – that is such a significant portion of one’s life. However, considering your finances, the responsible thing to do would have been to stick it out until another job was lined up. I’m sending you BIG HUGS!

Post # 21
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would be livid. I know exactly what it feels like to be so miserable at your job you cry every single day, but I’m an adult. It’s completely irresponsible and thoughtless to walk away from a job you can’t afford to lose. I found another one first. You have health issues and he made you uninsured? Absolutely unbelievable. He needs to grow up. 

Post # 22
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

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@strawbs: I would also like to add that him being that doggone miserable at his job will spill into his life at home, and she will become miserable. It’s a tough situation.

Yes! Winter/early spring 2011, before we were engaged, I was in one of my worst job situations-I would come home from work crying. I was so miserable at work that I became depressed, and it really affected my relationship with DH (at the time, just Boyfriend or Best Friend.) We’re very fortunate we were able to get through it as a couple.

If your DH was that miserable at work, it probably showed, and most likely, they would have terminated him at some point anyway.

He SHOULD have talked to you first. I reviewed my job prospects and eventual offer with DH beforehand. You can’t change what he’s done, but you two can work on how you make these major decisions together.

Post # 23
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’m so sorry you are going through this! He shouldn’t have quit before he would have another job lined up.

I would also be sad and disappointed on my hubby if he did that without having a backup plan. We wouldn’t survive on my pay alone! 

Post # 24
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I was at a job that paid very well for almost four years. After the first year, I’d drive to work thinking about how I’d rather get into a car accident or get shot than actually go to work. I was happy on Friday evenings, but by Saturday morning, I was dreading Monday.

I stuck with it, telling myself I wouldn’t have to worry about money and that I could support myself. I ended up having a nervous breakdown. My doctor had me take a one month disability leave, which turned into two. By the end of that second month, I could not go back. I quit with no backup plan. That was ten years ago, and I’ve never made that much money again. But it was something I had to do.

It’s not as simple as “he’s a selfish jerk who did something stupid”. Of course it’s going to cause a lot of stress, and maybe he needs to find a retail job in the mean time, but unless you’ve felt that feeling of utter hopelessness, please don’t assume he’s just a lazy a-hole.

Post # 25
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@Annabelle86:  I’m sorry you are so upset!  It’s got to be hard, but times like this make or break a marriage, you have the power to tear that man to shreds and make him feel like shit, or you can build him up and get behind him and make him feel invincible…it’s ok to be upset, and scared and angry, that was a boner move…but people don’t just do things like that, something was wrong, trust him…and realize how important it is that he feels your support.

Post # 26
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@HeathenSwan:  +1!

Post # 27
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wait a sec, did I turn into a man and marry a beautiful woman and act on my desires and not remember it?!

Seriously, though, I am about at the same level of frustration your DH is at but I haven’t quit…yet. I understand just how miserable he must be. I’m waiting until I can get something else lined up, but I don’t have the added issue of needing the insurance that badly.

I’ll second what PP have said- maybe he just needs to scale back for a bit and get a retail or food service job to bring some money in while he looks for something that won’t make him miserable. FWIW, Target treats employees really well. I worked there for four years in college part-time and they offered me insurance and a 401K once I hit a certain workload. I would have taken it, too, but I was about to start my “real” job (the one I have now and HATE). I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to Target!

Post # 28
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@hotchildinthecity:  I agree. No matter how miserable you are with a job. Be in a situation with no job, no money, taking payday loans, getting more and more in debt, debating if you should sell everything just to keep a roof over your head and eating tomato soup for a week….Then tell me how much you hate your job. Trust me, it was when the economy was BAD. I was willing to do anything. And I got laid off!!! Now, even if my job drives me NUTS I just remember that time.

You should never quit a job without back up. Maybe they were making the training tough so they knew he was serious. For a pay that high its not a uncommon thing to do. They probly wanted to make sure they were getting the best. Hopefully hes hitting the pavement looking for a new job.

Post # 29
Member
2575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I get that this is hard, but if it was so bad and he was so depressed about it he wanted to KILL HIMSELF rather than continue in the job, it is a damn good thing he quit when he did.

 

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@Nona99:  I totally agree with your point about there not being any benefits/ cashflow etc if he is dead.

This is not just a case of someone who is unhappy and wants a change of job, this sounds like it was dire, and this is why he has taken dire action.

OP, it will work out in the end. 

 

 

Post # 30
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It looks like I’m one of the odd ones out here, but I think you’re being a tad overdramatic.  He didn’t “throw your futures away”, he quit his job.  Yes, you both relied on the money he made from that job, but it’s not as though you no longer have a future.

Seeing that he was miserable enough to have suicidal thoughts and he’s told you that he feels like a failure as a husband (read: as a man), I think it’s important that you focus more on facing your situation together AS A TEAM rather than worrying about how you’re ever going to forgive him.

You’ll make it – you may have to take jobs that you’re overqualified for, but you’ll make it if you approach things with a positive attitude and support each other emotionally.

Sorry if I’m being harsh, but maybe if you two had talked last night and outlined your options together instead of you staying up sobbing all night, he would feel a bit better about himself and maybe even considered other options.  I absolutely understand why you’re upset with him, but you’re married now – you are a team and you need to face challenges together rather than placing blame.  Good luck to you both.

Post # 31
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

How serious is y’all’s financial situation?  I don’t know.  I have been in dire straits.  Seriously tough, and little compares to not knowing how you are going to eat the next day.  If you think a job is stressful, try living off of cake frosting for 36 hours, lol.  Having creditors call you and not only threaten you but threaten to take your mother’s home because she cosigned a student loan for you.  For those who might be more prone to suicidal thoughts, being flat broke without a way to have housing or food will also cause suicidal thoughts.  Ask me how I know. Quitting a job is a luxury.  Are you working, just not full time?  It would have been nice of him to at least give you more than a day’s notice so you can look for some work, too, even if it’s only part-time to get the insurance.  I hope he finds something soon.  If he got a job that paid that much, maybe he has some skills that will help him land another quickly.  Was this a consulting gig?

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