(Closed) My husband just threw our futures away, how do I forgive him?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@hotchildinthecity:  +1

You NEVER quit a job unless you have another one lined up. END.OF.STORY.

Post # 33
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Juliepants:  + one million

 

In addition: I hope that you get through this as a team (instead of using the situation as a divisive wedge) and he finds gainful employment soon. 

Post # 34
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ack. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but at least it lets you choose the form of unhappiness you want.  People who spout platitudes like “life’s too short to be doing something you hate” have obviously not been unemployed with no food on the table or no roof over their heads. 

I’m sorry but I could NOT forgive a guy who did that. He threw away security and money in this terrible godawful economy, and with NO backup plan.  It would be one thing to quit if you had something else lined up.  Entirely irresponsible to quit with NO backup plan.  It was impulsive, and I don’t know if he can even understand the magnitude of the situation.  He should have discussed it with you and mapped out a plan in advance.  That way, you could have felt part of the process, rather than being blindsided like this.  Or worked out a compromise where he sticks it out for 2 more months, saves money, and lines up another job.

I feel so bad for you, but I don’t know what advice I can give.  Good luck!

Post # 35
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ugh, my ex husband used to quit jobs all the time when we needed them! Turned out, he just wanted to hang out and drink all day and hoped my family would support us. I ended up divorcing him. (My life is a million times better now!!!) My husband now would never quit a job and leave us high and dry. I think what he did is a major red flag. I hope it’s not though. Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

On one hand, I feel for him. I’ve been in a horrible job before where I cried on the way to work and cried when I got home and it just sucked my soul.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I did have fantasies of the building buring down so I didn’t have to go to work.

On the other hand, I’ve had medical problems and I know firsthand how much you NEED insurance. Medical bills are the #1 cause of bankruptcy in this country. One hospitalization could seriously set you back financially. It was very selfish of him to leave you in the lurch with your medical issues without thinking of a backup plan.

I think the most troubling issue here is that he quit without a real discussion with you. You two are married, you are supposed to be making decisions together, especially since you are dependent on his income to keep a roof over your head.

So he went in today and resigned. What is he doing now? Is he pounding the pavement, putting his resume out there, calling any contacts he might have? How he acts now that he’s unemployed would be the make or break for me. How hard he works now to find a job would be what determined for me whether he’s a good guy who had a horrible job or if he’s just a slacker.

 

Post # 37
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

While I feel sorry for him that his job was so horrible and he was so miserable, I think that in this economy to walk away without lining up another job and discussing it with you is pretty lousy.  Hopefully you’ll work past this, but the way he’s handled the situation is very foolish.

Post # 38
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

@floridagirlblue:  um…you realize quitting a job because you want to kill yourself is not the same as quitting because you’re a lazy mooch who wants to drink all day, right?

OP, I agree with others that he did not ruin your future. I don’t know that there is enough detail for me to say if what he did was right or wrong, but it will be ok. You have to work together to figure it out though, and not just blame him. 

Post # 39
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

why not, as a compromise, he work until he finds something else?

Post # 40
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can’t believe all the people condoning your husband’s irresponsible behavior.  The two of you are a unit now.  He needs to think of the family before himself.  You’re in danger of losing your home and you have a debilitating health condition.  He should’ve put on his big boy pants and got the hell on to work.  There are millions of people out there working jobs they hate out of necessity, sometimes it’s what you have to do to survive.  You get the luxury of choosing what you want to do when you’re not on the verge of becoming homeless.  

I just….I can’t even. 

Post # 41
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Nona99 is right that this could make or break a marriage. 12 years ago I was the one who quit my job without having another lined up (and I was the primary breadwinner by a significant margin). Not to scare you, Annabelle, but it did turn out to be a very bad decision, and we struggled financially for several years. The worst part was how badly I blamed myself and beat myself up over it. But there was a best part — my husband stuck by me. He never blamed me or made me feel worse about it. On the contrary, he supported me in every way. He reminded me how smart I am when I felt like the stupidest fool. Every time I cried over a rejection letter, he wiped the tears and said “they don’t know what they’re missing.” I had always had final say on our purchases (because I’m naturally frugal and a bargain shopper) and that didn’t change even when I had no income coming in. He still “asked” when he wanted a little splurge, even though the money was 100% from his job, and if I wanted to buy something, he would say “why are you asking me? If you want it or need it, get it.” I messed up bad, but he believed in me. He had faith that we would get through it. He proved that he really meant it when he said “for better or worse, for richer or poorer.” It was really hard, but we got through it together. We’re doing just fine now. We celebrated our 16th anniversary recently. Those sad scary days are gone, but my love for him and gratitude for his support during that time are stronger than ever. 

Ok, after the mushy stuff, I should mention that quitting that job was a one-time mistake, very uncharacteristic of me. If your man has a pattern of quitting jobs, acting impulsively, or making huge decisions like this without your input, well…. that might be a different situation. Also, my husband was able to work and had insurance for us, which is also different. YOU know the details of your situation and whether this is a last-straw type thing, or if it’s something you can forgive and struggle though, recognizing it as the more important half of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer.”

Post # 42
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

I feel bad for your Darling Husband, but I think that you have every right to be mad at him. It sounds like he decided over the weekend that he couldn’t take it anymore and made up his mind to quit right then. I get wanting to quit, but he should have held out for at least another week or until the training period was over. Esp. considering that you need health insurance and both have struggled at finding a job to begin with. 

I’m really sorry OP, that would make me mad too. As his partner you have every right to be involved in a decision this major. Sure he gets veto rights, but he should have heard you out before he made such a huge decision.

Post # 43
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Annabelle86:  I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would be very upset too. The part that would trouble me the most, after him saying that he wanted to kill himself there, would be this – “no backup plan”. Especially when you’re now left with no medical insurance.

I read some of your past posts and it sounds like you’ve been on a rollercoaster for over a year now. I think that while he looks for a suitable job, he needs to be willing to take any jobs he can find, temporarily, to pay the bills.

I think you’ll be able to recover financially; you’ll be okay. But short-term, you need a source of income and a plan to avoid going into debt.

Post # 45
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@BlondeMissMolly:  Um, I do but I also realize that acting irresponsibly when people rely on you is a very bad sign. Thanks for the condescension though.

Post # 46
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Juliepants:  Agreed. 

OP: First off, I am so sorry that you are going through this stressful time. It will be ok! If your husband hated his job so much it made him suicidal, it was probably the right decision to quit. However, he should have talked about it with you first. Most responsible men feel huge obligation and the desire to take care of their families, so I wouldn’t interpret this as him not being able/willing to take care of you. Unemployment/failure is a HUGE issue for men to deal with, so he must have really hated his job to take that on instead. 

My husband was unemployed for over a year, and it was hugely stressful for him. I had to learn to support him and encourage him instead of adding to his burden. You guys are a team now. He needs you to help him. I know this doesn’t make your situation any easier or make you love his decision to quit, but it will be infinitely easier to move forward  united instead of looking back and condemning. Definitely talk to him though and work through all your anger/disapointment together. 

Regarding health insurance, check if your state offers temporary assistance that you might qualify for. 

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