(Closed) My husband just threw our futures away, how do I forgive him?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 78
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2002

I’m surprised that so many here think he was so irresponsible. He didn’t quit bc he wanted to f around and hang out at home. He was miserable and realized a career wasn’t for him, at all. Sure I can understand the stress of money but mental sanity is more important. And by the way the OP responded, that could be a reason he didn’t discuss it…for fear of her reaction. If that were my husband, I would be 100% supportive and understanding. Not angry. Scared for the future, of course, but not angry or see it as a red flag. It’s life and things like this happen. 

I hope you can be there for him and put yourself in his shoes. Best of luck. 

Post # 79
575 posts
Busy bee

Sorry but it sounds like he just gave up. You have medical issues, there are bills to pay…he should have seen it through and then looked for another job while he was still making money. 

I hate my job. I only come in for the paycheck. As does my FH. So that being said, it’s very hard for me to be sympathetic when such an irresponsible decision was made. And that’s exactly what it was: irresponsible. This doesn’t affect just him, it also directly affects you. Sorry but that’s my opinion. 

Post # 80
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@prettynewpenny:  I agree.

But, if you can get through this, you can get through it all (well hopefully!!). Money issues is why a lot of people split up!



Post # 81
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

What Nona99 said is spot on. How you react to this situation will be just as important to your future as that job was. Saying he threw away your future is a bit dramatic. Tight spot yes, should he have waited, probably. What’s done is done. Go back and read what Nona 99 said!

Post # 82
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Juliepants:  I’m with you on this. I think “threw our futures away” is overly dramatic.

Post # 85
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Annabelle86:  So glad to hear it!  Like I said before, I definitely understand why you were pissed with him initially.  I really hope you two can get through this together.

Also, I didn’t realize he was away and that you could only talk for 15 minutes a night when he told you.  That would put a lot of extra strain on the two of you trying to communicate, for sure.  Good luck with everything!

Post # 86
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Annabelle86:  Given the new information about how limited communication was (therefore it was very hard for you to talk it out and I can’t blame him for not talking with you about it), definitely the hug. It sounds like this is something which has rocked him to the core given that it’s what he always wanted to do with his life and now it isn’t.

He needs your support right now more than ever. It will be ok, you two will figure it out. *hugs*

EDIT: Just saw your update. I certainly don’t think that you were being overly dramatic and am very glad that you have welcomed him home lovingly

Post # 87
6 posts
  • Wedding: November 2012

I second @Daisy_Mae’s comments. In my situation, my partner was in a job that had turned into an unbearable and miserable struggle. He was always stressed and anxious with anything to do with work…but he was worried about quitting because of paying the bills and getting a job that would pay the same.

So we sat down and worked out how much money we needed to “get by” to pay our mortgage and bills (my request), what bills we could put off for a while, what extra work I might be also able to pick up, and other ways of living cheaply if he left and had no employment. We decided, as a couple, that the risk of us surviving on little was far less than the risk to his health and wellbeing by staying in the job.

I supported him, comforted him, helped him write the resignation letter and his new resume…anything he needed, just the same as he has helped me through tough times.

And you know what? He applied for 3 jobs, and one was successful. It was a substantial pay cut at the start (it was on our “getting by” border), but he did get promoted after a few months – a total surprise at the time. The main thing is that he’s happy and enjoys his job.

Of course being financially able to survive is important, but being healthy and in good spirits makes a huge difference to the entire situation. Please don’t forget to support your man in these tough times – it will mean a lot to him, and you’ll come out of the other side stronger for it too.

Post # 88
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@prettynewpenny:  Sorry i totally disagree in this particular case. Like I said before… If you feel like accounting is not for you, you suck it up and be a bean counter until you can make something else work. Law enforcement not so much.  If you get to theacademy and realize you don’t want to risk your life for a job, or realize you would seriously hesitate to neutralize a threat, etc… There’s really no way you can hit the streets safely.  And it’s not like you just won’t hit a sales target if you can’t do your job properly.Unfortunately the consequences can be much more grim

Post # 89
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

admittedly i haven’t read all of the comments, but i think possibly the worst part of this whole thing is that he just blindsided oyu and didnt mention it first

Post # 91
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Annabelle86:  Sorry, not trying to “put words in his mouth” just explain to other posters who are still saying he should just suck it up how policing is totally different than some of the “soul sucking”, tedious, pointless jobs they’re comparing it to. 

I TOTALLY get the idea of not wanting to see things.  Dh and I both spend extensive time in therapy, and both know of files we dealt with that we still think about regularly.  It definitely does change you.  It’s a shame he wasn’t able to prepare himself for the consideration of these thoughts before he got so invested in the process, but if he’s really come to the conclusion that he doesn’t have the mental strength to face that kind of thing (and just for reference we live in a pretty quiet area and my husband only made it two weeks out of theacademy before he attended his first child fatal) its for the best. It’s not for everyone and that’s totally ok. 

If he’s interested at all in staying in the general field though, this is the time to strike while he still has a valid security clearance. That’s his most valuable asset at the moment. If there’s any civilian positions he thinks he could do even temporarily he should inquire immediately 🙂

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