- 11 months ago
- Wedding: June 2017
My husband left me just over a week ago as we were having difficulties and conflict in our relationship. We have had to live in my granparent’s home who is now in the hospital and we had been taking care of the house. We had moved overseas so that my husband could get a doctorate degree, and now we are back in this new place which isn’t where we are originally from. There are not many good jobs in this regional area, but my husband found work about 3 months after we moved here, and I only recently just found a job after 10 months of searching.
Since we have been together we have had several issues with his family, they have been manipulative and difficult. My husband had been treated as a scapegoat his whole life by them, and I tried my best to be there for him and protect him. Recently he is now saying that this is all my fault that we can’t have a good relationship with his family. While I was recently away from him and visiting family as my grandmother is dying and I wanted to see her one last time, we had an argument where he then decided to tell my family over speaker phone many degrading things including telling my parents that whenever we have kids he doesn’t want them to have any relationship with them because they have different political views than his family, and that he only wants our kids around other capitalists/right wing conservatives. This started because I was calling out a racist bigot who is currently in politics and his family supports this person, and so my husband didn’t like that. After all of this happened, he decided to fly back to the city where his mom, dad, and siblings are. While he was there he cut off contact with me barely speaking to me and when he did he had no emotion at all, controlled the conversation and was basically shouting and then he would hang up. I realized that he was angry because we had an argument, but for him to get up and leave and suddenly treat me horribly was very strange, especially when he started the dysfunction. His family is very controlling and I feel like they are telling him what to do/how to feel and to blaming me for the issues that we’ve had with them over the years. It is so unfair because all I was trying to do was to be there for my husband as he was opening up to me on how horribly he feels they have treated him throughout his life. I have a link below to a previous post so that you can read and have a background on the issues we’ve been having.
My husband and I were going through serious financial difficulties as he had recently obtained a doctorate, and while he was studying I was working fulltime to pay for our rent, food, additional books and necessities, but luckily I received a benefit from my work that paid for 30 grand towards his degree as well. I uprooted from my permanent professional job so that I could move overseas and help support him in his endeaver to get this degree. I’ve invested in him because I’ve always believed in him. For him to leave without any resolution made me feel like I’ve been used.
I still haven’t heard from him, although I have tried texting him that I love him and miss him but he will not respond to the texts or pick up any phone calls. I’ve told him that I won’t go back on my promise I made to him at the altar and I will do whatever it takes to resolve this. I’ve lined up marriage counselling and he has refused twice now. He is now telling me to stop contacting him.
He brought the police to our house so that he could pick up his things on the day that he announced that he is separating and divorcing me. I felt criminalized and humiliated. He showed up with a massive truck, another man, and a policetruck and policeman. The treatment felt very bizarre, and not like him to do something like this. I feel like he was doing that to try and shame me more. We have spoken about separation many times because of the difficulties we are currently going through such as financial, the issues with his family, me trying to find work etc., but this was more sudden, and it was all happening whilst he was in constant contact with his parents and brothers. While he was there the little that he did say to me was that he was reconnecting with his family there. I really want him to have a better relationship with them and spend time with them that is enjoyable and contructive, but the issue here was that he took off without consulting me and then cut me off from normal contact without any adult conversation. The next time I saw him he was desheveled looking showing up at our house with the police. It was just crazy and I do not know what happened to him when he went back to his hometown and spent time with his family members.
I have been receiving counselling since this incident and also seen a psychic and I am trying to take care of myself the best I can. I just wanted to seek advice because I am now living all alone in a large home/acerage in a place where I have no friends, and so I feel very alone. I just feel lost, worthless, traumatized, and emotionally drained.
I just want to add that I know that I have not been perfect either or the best wife. I know that I could be better at making sure the house is cleaner and it has been horrible that I have only recently found a decent job since moving back from overseas. I know that this is a very difficult situation and I can understand why he feels stressed. I don’t think that I am right and he is wrong, I just want to understand what I can do from here to bring peace to this situation, as we are still married and I want to try to do what we need to do to make this work. Our vows meant a lot to me and I cant just throw it away.
Any advice would help. Thanks.