My husband left me suddenly without a conversation. What do I do?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

I stopped reading at the part where he told your parents he only wanted your children to have contact with other right wing assholes (okay, I added the asshole bit). JUST. NO.

I honestly can’t advise you toward remaining in contact with this person in good conscience, let alone staying married to him.

Post # 3
Member
5163 posts
Bee Keeper

It shouldn’t be a surprise that someone who had such an adversarial approach to his own family should suddenly become this way with you. Note that this is different from a person who chooses to go no contact with their family. They’re not engaged in a war or competition the way your husband is.

So you’re now the adversary. There’s nothing to be done but let him exit your life and delete all points of contact forthwith. A war requires hostilities on both sides, don’t give it to him, just let him go and don’t speak to his crazy, messed-up ass. When you meet another man, as you certainly will, be cognizant of his relationship with his family. People like to think it doesnt mean anything, but experience has shown me that line of thinking is quite wrong.

I know it hurts badly, but you’ll heal faster if you just move on and get the divorce. Don’t prolong the agita by staying in contact with him, you’ll only be sorry in the long run.

Post # 4
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Wow, just WOW!

I find myself speechless and I’m so sorry Bee, for how he’s treating you! No person in his/ her right mind would do such a thing. Let alone bring the police with him, when you haven’t been denying him entrance or getting his things (as I suppose you didn’t).

I’m really sorry Bee, but that is not how someone with at least some respect for you would behave. As hard as it sounds, but at the moment the best you can do is take care of yourself. If I were you I would go crazy for not being able to have a proper conversation between adults to understand at least something about his actions. I know that this must hurt so much, but the only thing I would contact him for would be sending him the divorce papers. 

Post # 5
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - Hampton, VA

Sometimes the best things that ever happen to us are disguised as pain. Embrace this change and allow him to move onto whatever angry, hostile world he desires. You were in a very toxic relationship and you can find much better. 

Good luck bee.

Post # 6
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

Okay, I took a breath and read the rest.

Get yourself a lawyer so that you can get ahold of whatever assets and protection you are entitled to. He has used you shamefully, and your BEST recourse in this situation is to break your vows, no matter how much you want to adhere to them, and protect your own interests. What he has shown you is not love or devotion, it is abuse. Please, tear up whatever promises you made to him and keep yourself safe. This kind of situation is why divorce exists.

Post # 7
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
afternoontea :  your soon-to-be ex-husband sounds like a fucking psycho. you should consider this a blessing that he’s leaving you—I actually think that if you decided in a few months that *you* wanted to be the one to leave *him*, shit would’ve been way uglier. count your blessings and good fucking riddance!

 

ETA: that being said, be sure to secure your own attorney so you can be sure to receive your well-deserved portion of any marital assets. take him to the cleaners.

Post # 8
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper

I can’t really advise because you want to know how to fix this and I don’t think it should be fixed.  I probably wouldn’t have married a racist bigot in the first place (and no, don’t say he’s different…supports a racist bigot = racist bigot).  So, I guess ask yourself why you want to stay married to a racist bigot who abandons you on a whim.  Why do you want your children learning it’s ok to be a racist bigot and put them at risk for abandonment every time their racist bigot father gets upset and leaves?

Also, you can’t fix something with someone who doesn’t want to fix it with you.

So your solution is go to counseling.  You.  Yourself.  To sort out why you want to continue being married to a racist bigot who in no uncertain terms doesn’t want you.  And then go find yourself a divorce attorney.  That’s where you are right now…Not being a better housekeeper so racist bigots will keep their cool.  You’re at individual counseling and attorney time.

Post # 9
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
annabananabee :  AMEN about the racist bigot comment. These people have no redeeming qualities—just because they might be nice to you for a certain period of time, don’t underestimate what they’re capable of when you challenge those deep-rooted, hateful beliefs of theirs.

Post # 10
Member
10542 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Call a lawyer.

Go to counseling.

Move on with your life without him. You can do better.

Post # 11
Member
1948 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

wow bee, im so sorry. But honestly he sounds like a horrible close minded person who only likes things his way. Arguments happen, and as an adult if he cant handle a rough patch and just decides to disappear, it may be the final straw unfortunately. Is that something you truly want to deal with for the rest of your life anyways? Toxic inlaws are nothing new, but they sound extreme to me even with such little info. 

Move on, you can find someone so much better. 

Post # 12
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

this sounds awful all around, forget the house being clean my gawd you both sound toxic AF together

Post # 13
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
afternoontea :  When someone tells you and shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown himself to be insecure, have a desire for control over situations (including over arguments by calling to yell and then hang up before you can respond/arrive with a police escort to pick up his things when there isn’t really much reason to do so) and to be dead set on training his future children to follow strictly in his footsteps with politics regardless of your own thoughts and feelings.

I understand that you feel an obligation to your vows, but when making your vows were you making them to the man that you now know your husband to be? Or were you making them to someone you thought would be prepared to develop a life with you that supported both of your needs as a couple? He has made it clear that he no longer wants to be in a loving relationship with you, and it is honestly in your best interest to accept that at face value and focus on protecting yourself in this situation. Consider it a blessing that this is happening before children are in the picture, because he clearly would have made that a nightmare. I’m sorry bee, but he has shown you who he is and what he wants. Believe him. 

Post # 14
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

Get a lawyer ASAP ! The best thing you can Do now is hire the best lawyer you can afford 

Post # 15
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

See an attorney and a therapist, but not a psychic. They do not have the ability to see into your future and I’ve known a couple friends who were taken advantage of in vulnerable times by “psychics” trying to make a living at your expense.

Also, based on your posts you’re too good for him. Let him go.

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