My husband said something hurtful and I don't know how to get over it

posted 5 days ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4948 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

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Post # 3
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

There are a few things here.

1) You’re husband made a dick comment. If I was you, I would drop out of the wedding too. I don’t like to go back on a commitment, but things have changed since you agreed and I don’t think anyone would be offended if you did.

2) You’re pregnant so might be more sensitive than normal (I know I was)

3) It sounds like you haven’t quite got over your last L&D and there are some residual things there that you need to talk through. Although your husband knows it was a hard time, he might not know that it still haunts you.

So what should you do

1) talk to you husband and tell him the remark was hurtful and that you are scared about your next delivery and how you will cope. Let him in on how you are feeling

2) talk to someone about your fears. I am not sure where you are but in the UK midwives can help with this sort of thing, they can even go through the notes from your last delivery with you to help you understand why things happened how they did.

3) drop out of the wedding with no guilt.

Post # 4
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee

almostmomof2 :  Ouch bee, that would really hurt me too. I’m sorry he was so calous to you! I understand that when it comes to newborns, moms end up with more responsibility because of feedings and your body figuring itself out but his response kind of sounded like “thats your problem, figure it out”… thats rough!

I think once you’re over the initial hurt of your husbands comments, maybe try to talk it through with him. Go over best case and worst case scenarios, then try to make a plan that gives you both some time without the baby to enjoy the wedding. 

Are you close enough to the bride to discuss it with her? go over best case and worst case, then decide together if you should continue being a bridesmaid. Maybe the guys and girls will be together all day and you and hubby can switch each other off… You wont know until you talk to the bride, but it may be manageable. IF it’s not… there’s no shame is backing out. You dont need to be exhausted, healing, trying to feed a newborn AND doing all the things that go along with being in a wedding… thats a lot. There is no shame in looking after yourself and your family! and shame on your husband for insuating otherwise.

 

Post # 5
Hostess
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Bee, this sounds really hard. You aren’t wrong, and I think you did the right thing by making your decision early enough that you aren’t putting the couple in a hard spot. 

When my husband says something that hurts me and I can’t stop thinking about it, I try to wait until I’m able to talk about it calmly but I bring it up again. We all say things sometimes that hurt others without intending to or even realizing how hurtful it was. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt but I calmly explain why the thing he said hurt me so deeply. We have always been able to sort through and hear each other out, and generally by the end of it, everyone feels better. 

I hope that you and your husband are able to calmly talk this out. It seems like maybe he doesn’t remember how difficult it was for you with a newborn. 

Post # 6
Member
8550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yeah, your husband said a pretty crappy thing. If he doesn’t usually say those sorts of things I would talk to him and let him know how it made you feel. Maybe there was a reason behind his saying it (Rough day? Didn’t realize how it came out? I’m trying to throw him a lifeline, here) 

I also don’t fault you for wanting to drop out. I’m sure the bride won’t either if you explain the situation. 

Post # 7
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

“well I guess we’re different people. When I commit to something, I do what it takes but you quit if you don’t feel like it”

 

well he can fuck right off. You’re not quitting because you “don’t feel like it” you’re quitting because your life situation has changed since you agreed to do it and there’s a very real possibility you will be physically UNABLE to do it. You had a traumatic experience and while I hope this one goes much better for you the second time around, you can’t know that ahead of time. Frankly, in your shoes, I wouldn’t even consider participating in this wedding, even without the history of the traumatic previous birth. I think being somewhere between a 2-5 weeks postpartum bridesmaid sounds absolutely miserable. 

 

I am absolutely livid on your behalf he would say something so shitty.

Post # 8
Member
4990 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

almostmomof2 :  I am so sorry your Darling Husband said something so unfeeling.   Since you are a bridesmaid,  not Maid/Matron of Honor, and since these are your best friends, I think they would be understanding if you wanted to step aside.  Better to do it now and let the bride choose someone else if she wants.  You can be supportive and helpful without having the role of bridesmaid weighing on you.  

Your Darling Husband needs to understand that your motives for stepping aside are in the best interests of you, your child, and also your friends.   You are not “quitting” at all – you are doing the best for all involved.

Wishing you the very best with your pregnancy.  Big hugs to you!

Post # 9
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

almostmomof2 :  OUCH. That was literally the worst possible thing he could have said. It was cold and it was downright mean. Is he the one carrying a baby for almost a year and then pushing it out his vagina? No, he is not.  The best answer would have been. “Yes, that is a good point. I support you whatever you decide. It’s just a wedding.”

I know you love them, but childbirth is no small thing. I have had 3 csections so I can imagine your 4th degree tear was about as fun as that kind of recovery. We need to lose this idea that mothers are supposed to be up and back to normal in 2 seconds after birth. This is ridiculous. I suggest talking to your friend and telling her there is just no way you can stand in her wedding but you would try to be there as a supportive guest. If shes truly your friend, she will understand. If not, you know where you stand with her. As for your meathead of a husband, you need to point blank tell him that until he is the one who has to give birth, he has no right to offer an opinion on quitting things when he has never had his body go through something as traumatic as a vaginal birth with 4th degree tearing, and that he was cruel and insensitive saying what he said. He owes you a damn apology. Asshole.

IT’S JUST A WEDDING. Honor and respect your body’s need to heal, and your newborns need to bond with you. 

Post # 10
Member
4581 posts
Honey bee

Yes, I’d be pissed, too. It sounds as if he is otherwise a really good guy and was not thinking at all about what was coming out of his mouth. I hope.

Could you do this? Sure. Would it be the best choice for you, your family, or the bride? Likely not. Talk to her. If she’s paying for the dress and is willing to welcome you in any capacity you may feel comfortable with that day, great. If you’re paying for the dress and would really rather attend as a guest just say so. If you are friends she’ll understand. 

Suggest to your husband that he take over this pregnancy so that you can go ahead with all of your commitments. If men birthed our children so many things would be different. Twelve month paid paternity leaves, night nurses would be covered by insurance…

Treat yourself to something nice today, Bee, and have a heart-to-heart with your hubby later. Hopefully he’ll come around, realize how hurtful his comment was, and apologize on his own. Hugs.

Post # 11
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

I think your decision is correct. New baby ought to come first. Are you sure he understood your reasoning for not wanting to do the wedding? I would have another talk with him, let him know his comment was hurtful, and go over the reasons you’re feeling nervous about this wedding and why you believe it would be in the best interests of you & baby to stay home. 

Post # 12
Member
5705 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Ugh. I would be SO PISSED if my husband said anything like that to me. I admire your restraint in just going to bed. If it were me, and especially with all the extra pregnancy hormones racing through my body, I would’ve given him a fucking ear full!

Anyway, I think you need to sit down with your husband and try to explain to him (calmly) why his comment was absolute bullshit and uncalled for and hurt you a great deal. Hopefully this comment was completely out of character for him and he realizes now what an idiotic thing that was to say to you. 

Also, I think you’re making the right call in dropping out of the wedding. You couldn’t pay me to stand up in a wedding around 4-ish weeks postpartum! 

Post # 13
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

omg that would INFURIATE ME!!!  Oh what a fucking martyr he is, able to do his groomsman duties after…. watching his wife go into labor, give birth, breastfeed and pump night and day, while he watches and is on diaper duty?  Give me a fucking break with the martyr holier-than-thou act.  I would be super pissed. 

I also think you are completely in the right to drop out.  I’m having a baby this fall and no way would I commit to being in a wedding a month after the due date.  *Maybe* attending, but maybe not because of the lack of vaccines thing and just due to how needy newborns are.  (Needy for their MOTHERS, newsflash, dickhead husband.)

I would try to tell him in a not-pissed way how incredibly insensitive it is to act as though the two of you are in the exact same position, and that he is a better friend for not dropping out.  It’s a completely false equivalency that both demeans your character and completely downplays the very significant differences that are required between parents for caretaking of a newborn.  If he doesn’t see that he’s wrong and fall all over himself apologizing…. ugh, I would have a hard time getting over this.  Good luck and hugs to you!

Post # 14
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

That is so hurtful!

I would agree with your husband and say, “yes, we are different people! I am carrying and growing a new life inside me for nine months. And then will be birthing this baby either by pushing him/her out or through major abdominal surgery. Then would be recovering from this trauma while keeping a newborn alive!”

But I also tend to be sarcastic which may not make it any better. 

Two weeks after having a c-section I was still very sore and hobbling around. There is no way I could have participated in a wedding. You are keeping your commitments. You are committed to this baby.

Post # 15
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

KittyYogi :  Exactly. Well, Saintly Husband, good to know that when your theoretical vagina has a fourth degree tear and you are up all hours of the night trying to breastfeed your crying baby, and your entire life revolves around either breastfeeding, pumping, or cleaning and packing pump parts, that you will be able to pull on your tux, stand on your feet all day, and support your friend because you are just such a good person who follows through with their commitments.

We will just have to take your word for this, of course, because obviously you will never be in a postition to be proven wrong, since of course you don’t actually have a vagina or breasts. But feel free to look down on and shame any woman who does have to go through this and makes a different choice, because of course you can totally know what you’d do in her situation.

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