My husband said something hurtful and I don't know how to get over it

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Yeah I don’t think your husband understands what it’s like to give birth, nurse, and have a newborn that is mainly his responsibility. That was really shitty of him to say. It’s possible he didn’t mean it to come out that way, but healing from birthing a child is a pretty good excuse to dip out from being a bridesmaid. 

I will add something I didn’t see fellow bees comment on. Is it possible that you are flaky and things like this happen a lot? Obviously, this time you have a good excuse. But maybe he is tired of you flaking out and this time kinda pushed him over the edge. Still not okay for him to say, but I’m trying to get his perspective. 

Also, for what it’s worth, if I were you I think I would also decide to skip being a bridesmaid. But I would take my parents or in laws up on watching the baby for a few hours so I could go to part of the wedding and/or reception.

Post # 32
Member
647 posts
Busy bee

I am absolutely RAGING on your behalf. How utterly utterly thoughtless of him

Post # 33
Member
1823 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Tatum :  I totally agree.  It’s just such a shocking thing to say, because it’s both an attack on your character, and also demonstrates that he completely undervalues and does not appreciate the sacrifices that you UNIQUELY make as a new mother.  Like, he couldn’t sit there and purposely think of a more insulting couple sentences if he tried.  And even if he thinks that, which is fucking stupid of him, it’s just another level to actually SAY it.

Just want you to know you’re not alone in being pissed OP!!  I would seriously be livid.  And frankly, if he didn’t recognize that he really shit the bed with this one, it would cause me to somewhat reevaluate the man I was married to.

Post # 34
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Yeah, as others have said, I don’t think you have anything to get over. He owes you an apology. Unless, of course, he’s willing to trade and give birth instead of you, in which case he can feel free to stick to his commitments afterwards and feel good about himself.

Post # 35
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to talk to him and explain why that was incredibly insensitive. He has absolutely no grounds to stand on comparing his circumstance to yours.

Tell him he can come back and talk to you about ‘commitment’ again once he’s grown a human in his body for the better part of a year, and figured out how to squeeze a basketball out of his urethra. 

Post # 36
Member
4899 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would absolutely drop out of the wedding. That is the wisest and most considerate thing to do. For your friend and, most importantly, for yourself.

As for the husband. I would have already cursed him out and my post would have been “Hey Bees. I cursed my husband out last night. He’s still crying. Can you recommend a good therapist (for him) in our area?”

He made an asinine comment. I think you should let him know and give him the chance to apologize and make up for it. And when the baby comes, make sure you wake that fool up EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. you get up with the baby. Since he’s so proud of himself and how he follows through on commitments.

Post # 38
Member
4153 posts
Honey bee

tobeornottobe7 :  OP I’d copy paste this response. I’d be LIVID and I’ve never even given birth yet. I didn’t know tears went past 3 so if you get that you can do whatever the hell you want with your time while you heal IMO. 

I was the bride and my friend was pregnant and I told her if she felt like crap day of she could do whatever she wanted to be comfortable day of wedding. 

I would raise a bit of hell for this comment i  this case I think it’s worth it for him to know how wrong it was. 

Post # 39
Hostess
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

almostmomof2 :  ah, glad you spoke up at the moment thanks for the clarification! Sometimes good people say really stupid things. The important thing is that you find a way to communicate to him how you’re feeling and he learns to appreciate the jobs you’re doing, many of them unarticulated and unappreciated by nature.

I am not a fan of stereotyping,  but I have been told -and found it to be true often enough to mention – that men assume you will stop doing a thing if you don’t want to do it and what they can’t see they don’t really think about. While I’m sure some women are this way and hopefully we will all feel emboldened to care for ourselves without apology one day, the guilt and expectation put on women as wives and mothers can do a number on us. And of course, we can’t just stop being pregnant or being a mom.

Think about all of the things you’re doing automatically that he isn’t aware of because it’s not his body and his time. The things you deal with every day. I would share those experiences with him so he can learn to respect the work he isn’t seeing. 

I say this calmly but it doesn’t mean I don’t share the rage about his comment. A super dumb thing to say. It’s just that marriage is about living with imperfect people who are trying and who are in it with you. And it sounds like he is. So when you are up to it, I’m confident you can have a productive discussion with him.

but also, solidarity! Don’t take any crap! 😍

 

Post # 40
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m not going to reiterate what others have said but I will say that I had a very traumatic experience with my first (preemie baby and emergency section). I recovered surprisingly well after it. My second birth was much easier but I did end up with some similar circumstance s (baby in NICU for different reasons). I actually ended up getting severe pnd after and reckon I’d never fly recovered after my.first. I wouldn’t have been able to go to a wedding, never mind, be in a wedding 4 weeks pp. My point is, you really won’t know how you will feel or how well you will recover, physically and mentally. One thing you do know, you will be tired and definitely not in the mood to stand up in front if 100+ people.

Post # 41
Member
2138 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

When someone’s otherwise a good person and they say something hurtful and hateful, it’s usually coming from a place of fear -> feeling afraid and lashing out in defence of a percieved threat. So is it possible that he feels that perhaps he should be stepping down as best man to support you, is worried that you’re expecting that of him and really doesn’t want to do that as his friend? And perhaps he’s also afraid about your second birth and recovery – he may have gone above and beyond when your first child was born (it sounds like he did) and stretched himself to the limit, putting his own mental health and ‘downtime’ second, and is perhaps afraid that he might not manage to do it again effectively, but feels like admitting that to you would make him less of a good man/good Dad? 

If he’s otherwise a great person I would put it down to something like that, and have the conversation with him to get to the bottom of it.

Post # 42
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

I’m on your side. 

1. Things changed, you’re now going to have a young baby at the time of the wedding. You didn’t know that when you initially committed. 

2. Childbirth is not a walk in the park. It’s something you need to recover from that will effect your ability to carry out your duties in the wedding. Your hubs, not so much. Worst case scenario he will be sleep deprived. You will have been split open just weeks prior on top of being sleep deprived and engorged with milk. 

Talk to him about this. Let him know your duty as a wife and mom comes above everything else and you don’t want to jeopardize you or your baby’s healthy to stand up at the alter on someone else’s big day. 

Post # 43
Member
722 posts
Busy bee

sunburn :  exactly.

I also was up within minutes of having both children. Plowing /shoveling snow the day after. I would have had no issues being in a wedding a month after. 

Post # 44
Member
3909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

almostmomof2 :  Im totally seeing red on your behalf and I’m also in admiration of your ability to go to bed after such a comment…. My husband would have ended up with a new one! 😬

You have every right to be hurt. His comment was pretty low and really implies that he didn’t understand or respect how much you went and are going through with pregnancy and the post partum period. You had 4th degree tears ffs!!! Sleep depravation, recovery, the constant demands of a Breast feeding baby are huge not to mention this time you will have another child on top of a new born. You are not slacking and going back on your word, you are being infinitely practical! I’m sure the bride will understand and she’s probably worrying that you will end up going over your due date and only be a few weeks post partum.

Honestly with this baby I’d mix feed from the beginning. Hubby can do some bottle duty and maybe he’d start to understand and appreciate what it involves to have to be constantly on with a newborn. I’d also start making him do things when he’s unwell or sore and all he wants to do is rest to hopefully teach him pushing out a baby and being ripped open isn’t a walk in the park and putting your comfort and that of your family isn’t slacking or being selfish… 😠

 

Post # 45
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee

He is right, you are two different people.  YOU are the type of person with enough character and integrity that you would rather bow out of the bridesmaid position than EVER take a chance you might cause distruption, stress or worry to the Bride and Groom on their frickin wedding day.  “Scuse the f word but I am raging for you right now.

He on the other hand, obviously WOULD cause trouble, stress and worry just for the sake of sticking to his commitment.

What a ridiculous mean thing to say to the mother of his child.

 

 

 

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