(Closed) My husband says he won’t consider having kids with me until I change?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3004 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Did you just get married five days ago? 

Post # 4
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

Have you two considered marriage counseling? Based on your post last month it sounds like this is an ongoing issue.

Post # 5
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Not knowing the entire situation and basing everything 100% off what you said in this post…

I don’t think you really have much a chance here. He refuses to talk about something really important for your relationship, tells you that you need to clean, then calls you crazy??? No thank you. I would bring up the fact that you are thinking about leaving him and see what he does. If he calls you crazy again, pack your bags and walk out the door…THEN see what he does. If he doesn’t care just keep walking. You seem like you are creating a good life for yourself.

Post # 6
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Unfortunately, I think you have a pretty serious divide here.

The one thing I can understand from his point of view is that kids are a ton of additional work and mess and it’s hard to feel like you’re ready to have them when everything is already in chaos.  In fact, the fact that my fiance doesn’t pick up a lot of slack around the house is yet another reason I don’t want to have children (BUT big difference… in our case I have been 100% clear I don’t want kids from day one).

To be honest, it sounds like he’s expecting EVERYTHING home related to fall to you, which makes no sense in this day and age.  It sounds like he’s not ready to make the emotional and responsibility commitment to being children, as he’s not ready to make it to cleaning the house (which, imo, is more his job than yours if you’re working, commuting, and studying and have much longer hours).

The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it is a SERIOUS issue here because this could be a really huge divide between the two of you and he’s not even willing to face it.  I’d suggest you leave him alone about the issue for a few days to a couple weeks, and while you’re not discussing it, prepare yourself to talk about it.  Make a list  of what you need and aren’t getting from him, and what expectations he’s placing on you and why they’re not fair.  Practice saying it to yourself in a clear-cut, business like way.  There’s an issue of factual expectations here.  It’s also unfair, but I think it’s easier to discuss calmly if you make it more business-like. 

If he can’t respond well to that, then I’m not sure where you go (counseling?), but it sounds like you might not be able to go there with him.  🙁

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

He’s looking to pin excuses onto you as to why he isn’t ready for kids.

 

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

But a month ago you posted here about how he didnt want to have kids because of  financial reasons? I’m confused.

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This, to me, would be a gigantic red flag.  Were you messy before you got married? Did he know that? Did you know that his willingness to have children was conditional?

I admit, I am a very messy person.  I can keep common areas clean like the kitchen and a living room, but my own room is usually a mess.  My SO has said that he knows I am messy (he is very neat) and that as long as I continue to keep the common areas clean and work on keeping the bedroom neat, he will pick up the slack to his liking.  If I was in your position (not knowing your history) I would be very worried that he would continue to have these negative feelings about my cleanliness for the rest of our married life.  I too would be extremely hurt.  I don’t really know what to tell you… I mean you could just try to adopt his level of cleanliness, but it might result in resentment down the road, or he still might not think it’s good enough.  Sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁

Post # 10
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@KatyElle: exactly. tell him to cut the bull and own up to whatever insecurity he has so that you can work through it or move on.

Post # 11
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

You got married last weekend and are now having the kids conversation? Shouldn’t you have discussed this earlier? If you did, which I hope you did, have the conversation prior, what was his time line. Most guys want to wait a year or so after the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Giant red flag. Please please please get into counseling. If he won’t go with you, go alone.

Post # 13
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am sure he is not ready to have kids. He feels scared of the added responsibility. He’s using your lack of cleanliness as an excuse which he knows you cannot really improve on to his liking. If he is the judge, he can say whatever he wants. He can push you to the LIMITS of cleanliness and I feel that he will do just that just so you keep wasting your time cleaning everything 5 times over and he can be @ peace that you won’t ‘bug’ him about having children. He isn’t ready. Period.

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