(Closed) My husband tells everything to his parents

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m very lucky in that my SO doesn’t like to tell anyone anything. I tell my mother (almost) everything but only about me. Just my mother. And she knows not to ask him or tell anyone. And if there’s something I don’t want to share I don’t. he respects that and if it’s somethig he doesn’t want shared, he tell sme and I don’t.  And I clear it with him befroe I tell her anything about us (looking at venues, future plans for us as a couple).

I agree with the sit down with the work of finshing a therapist already done. You don’t want to threaten him, per say; but you should make him realize this is a very serious matter and the idea of you having already done the leg work might shake some sense into the situation.

Post # 19
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This was an issue that should have been handled prior to marriage. He’s always been that way and made no effort to change and yet you still married him. Short of counseling I don’t know what more there is to do. 

Post # 20
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You are not overreacting. Some things are just for YOU TWO! Luckily, my DH and I are both private with things. There are some things that we would not tell each other (like a secret our relative told us) not because we want to hide it, but we were told to keep it a secret. Also, if it is not detrimental or would cause any harm to our relationship then fine. I would wonder if he tells them every time you have a fight or disagreement about something… That is a bad sign. Inevitably, it will cause trouble between you and them. Let’s say you have an issue with something they said at a gathering and he tells them you had a problem with it. Now you have drama with them, even though you were just venting to him. 

You HAVE to say something. He does not get that this is a major problem. If you think that your relationship can fall apart over it, he needs to know that each time he tells them your business he is jeopardizing your marriage. You need to be able to trust him with things. The next step is to either tell him every time you don’t want him to share things with them, before you tell him something secret. If that does not work, you will have to stop telling him certain things from now on. Neither of these options are healthy, though. He must respect your wishes and privacy. I doubt that they would think to ask some of their questions if he was not so open with them. I hope things work out for you!

Post # 21
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Personally I don’t get it, especially about the car. Why would a comment about a car purchase upset you? Why do you care? I can see maybe about your salary so maybe focus any discussion with your husband on that. Your reaction just seems extreme to me. When I read your title I was expecting comments about your sex life, your fertility, or some painful history about your past or something.

Post # 22
Member
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i would have a really serious conversation about this. you don’t have to tell him that you saw the text, just sit him down and tell him that your Father-In-Law asked, and that it made you VERY uncomfortable. explain why, and then ask him how he thinks you two should answer questions like that in the future. he’ll either say that he told them, and you can talk about why that wasn’t cool (none of their business, and not his news to share) or he may choose to keep that to himself, either way hopefully you’ll have a good discussion about boundaries.

i’d tell him that things that affect HIM alone are fair game – new sports team, movie he saw, whatever. stuff that’s yours alone, is not for sharing, and he should support that. for pps who don’t get what the problem is, imagine next year they want to buy a house. in laws might say ‘that’s too expensive, etc’ and instead of being able to say ‘we can afford it’ – the in laws know exactly what their family is making etc. it’s uncomfortable and none of their business. suddenly other people are counting your $ for you – or worse, telling others!

my fmil is, let’s call it social. i have overheard her telling VERY private things about 3rd parties to people that have absolutely no reason to know. she tells us about people’s health problems ALL the time, gives opinions about quite personal situations etc. i’ve told my fiance a hundred times that ZERO health information is to be given to her past ‘peonyinlove has a cold’, because i am 100% certain that every person would know in ten minutes – doesn’t matter if it’s embarrassing, intimate or life threatening. it’s a little sad in a way, for instance, i can’t imagine telling her i’m pregnant before simply announcing it to everyone, because i don’t trust that she wouldn’t tell. so i totally get what you’re saying. 

 

Post # 24
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
fossil1127:  Yeah that sounds very similar. Fiance and I have been talking about how the constant questioning about our finances, jobs, and really everything feels very condescending. We pay for our bills on our own, so its just absolutely no one’s business. Politely making it clear it isn’t their business has not worked. We’re now moving on to just telling them no. It feels rude, but its necessary. We’re going to be adamant and stick to it, and try to just tell them they are being inappropriate when they are. Your position is more difficult because your Fiance doesn’t seem to be paying attention to how you feel about it. I still think telling them about wanting to get a new car is reasonable, including the reason why. But it isn’t something they should be all over him about!

Post # 25
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
fossil1127:  

 

Hi fossil. Im with you. That’s pathetic on both their parts. None of the in laws business and your husband has no place discussing such things especially after you told him. Because it’s his parents he probably doesn’t think much of it or isn’t aware. I’m going through something simliar atm with a very nosey person who is basically an interrogator. Just constantly digs for imformation and wants to know everything. So many questions which yield more questions and it’s always why why why. My point is I know how annoying such people are. Learn from it. Unfortunately some things you shouldn’t let slip even to your husband as sad as that sounds. If he can’t of won’t keep his big gob shut, keep certain things to yourself. Communication is key. He’s your husband though so you can talk to him about anything, in a composed way. But if he can’t or won’t change then yeah, adapt to it and keep things to yourself. 

 

Some people are oblivious as to what they do, say, act. It’s just in some people’s nature, no malice or anything involved. It’s just who they are. Then there is some people that are just not very nice in general. I wish you the best:)

 

I’d be annoyed too!

Post # 26
Member
9182 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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fossil1127:  the thing is this isn’t a I’m right, he is wrong situation. You both have different views on what should and can be shared. The answer is not you demanding he stop sharing. The answer should be a compromise because it has to work for both of you. 

Post # 27
Member
11278 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He has boundary issues & they’re hurting you.  I agree about marriage counseling.

Post # 28
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Are you me?

I ask, because I have been through the exact same thing with my Fiance.  He’s an only child, and close to his parents…and a massive oversharer.  

I haven’t told my mother anything very personal since I was in my teens.  There are huge life experiences that I’ve been through that she has no knowledge of…I honestly believe that one sign of being a fully funcitioning adult is knowing how to have boundaries with parents.

Edit:  I stopped telling her anything after she told me about how her best friend’s daughter had had an abortion.  I asked her if said friend had given her permission to gossip about this.  Of course she hadn’t.  I realised that my mother was incapable of keeping anything private to herself.  I’m not going to be the source of gossip for her.  FILs are both terrible gossips, so the same goes for them…

Fiance and I had some very full and frank discussions (and yes, lots of shouting from my side, due to anger) about him telling his parents EVERYTHING.  FFS, he even told them when we were first dating, before I’d even met either of them, that I wasn’t fully divorced from my ex H!  To me, that was none of their fucking business.  FI is in his 40s, like myself.  Not a child.

I’ve told Fiance that he’s free to tell them anything he likes…about himself.  If it’s about me, it’s up to me to tell them, not him.  Everyday stuff, yes, fine.  Anything like jobs, how much I earn, my medicial information, my family business…that’s my personal information, and he doesn’t get to share it without my permission.

I pointed out to him that he doesn’t know how much his parents earn, so why should they know that information about us? Unless we are hiting them up for money (and we aren’t)…  

IT’S NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS.

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  Baal.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  Baal.
Post # 29
Member
2155 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

fossil1127:  <br />Oh my gosh, I’m sorry but I so don’t get why you have a problem with this..

My parents know how much I earn, my parents know how much my husband earns, his parents know how much I earn, we told our respective parents when we bought a car/house/new picture to put on our living-room wall.. it’s just normal family talk..

The fact that your husband talks to his parents is sweet, it means they have a good relationship… I just so so don’t understand why you care. If your husband was telling them your bedroom nicknames for each other or something majorly personal, then I’d understand that it might bother you, but this is just so totally normal that I dont’ understand your point of view at all.

I guess it just depends on what kind of family background you both come from, but I really don’t think your husband is in the wrong at all. Both my husband and I are very independent people, we both moved out of our parents houses at age 19-20, support ourselves, paid for our own wedding, make our own decisions… but we love our parents dearly and like talking to them about our lives, and I just don’t think there’s any harm in that at all. I mean, heck, I even know how much money my brother-in-law has in his saving’s account.. we’re just a close family. I’d trust my family with my own life.. I love them that much. And it just seems to me like your husband has a similar close relationship with his parents. If my husband had a problem with my relationship with my parents, it’d be a deal-breaker for me.. Yes, my husband comes first, but nobody can tell me what I can or can’t tell my parents..

This thread has made me very thankful that my husband and I have the same views on this kind of thing and that we both discuss our lives with our families and have no problem with that.

My advice to you is to let go a little and realize that what your husband tells your in-laws just isn’t a big deal… he’s just chatting to his parents. Let it go.

 

Post # 30
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Hmmmm, this post got me thinking because I tell my parents all this stuff! They don’t know exact details, but they have a general idea of how much my DH and I earn, when we’re planning to buy a house, car etc. It’s kind of never really occurred to me that I WOULDN’T tell them! 

Anyway, I agree with the previous poster who said that this isn’t a situation where one person is right and one is wrong. You have different perspectives, and that’s fine. But if you feel so strongly that this stuff has to stay private, your DH needs to respect that. 

I think you should just let go of all the stuff that’s already been said, because that’s in the past now. But you should have a serious conversation with him about how important it is to you that he doesn’t do this anymore. Tell him just how much it upsets you and hopefully he’ll respect that. Good luck! 

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