(Closed) My husband tells everything to his parents

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I tell my parents most things too but my husband has no issues with it. I value their advice and I think that in a way I’m telling them to make them “proud” of me/us so to speak. 

Post # 32
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

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Jijitattoo:  Okay. I’m not sure why you tagged me to tell me that you disagree…then I guess we disagree? Maybe he felt the need to justify the car purchase, maybe he was proud of his partner, maybe he didn’t see it as a big deal considering he’s been doing it for the entire relationship and yet she still married him. 

I have no idea why it happened but what would be “marriage ending” to me is someone who tried to tell me how to interact with my family. Marriage and then divorce over a recurring issue you knew about in advance makes no logical sense to me. These are things you resolve before marriage, or else you realize you can’t and then you move on.

Post # 33
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

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bklynbridetobe:  I totally understand what you are saying, and I almost always agree with the logic of knowing what you got into BEFORE marriage. However, in this instance, this might be the rare exception where it wouldn’t have been too outlandish for OP to think this would change/improve once they were married bc that is the benchmark for a lot of couples (esp. religiously if they are religious) to leave the parents literally and figuratively and look to the spouse as the #1 and only person to make decisions with, etc…

I can see a sitaution where OP thought, or even discussed with her DH, that things would be different once they were actually married, and that they would have more autonomy then. But I am just speculating.

But absolutely agree re counseling. OP, if you have already had a serious discussion with DH (after all, not talking to him first and extensively, but going over his head to your family or therapy would be slightly hypocritical), and it hasn’t improved — counseling is a great next step. 

Post # 34
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

 

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fossil1127:  Ugh! I’m the same type of private person that you are.  Before DH and I were even engaged, there were a few instances in which he told his parents about some disagreements we were having.  We had to have a conversation about how personal details about a relationship are not appropriate to share with others, unless both parties agree on sharing the info.  I told him that if he had something to say about or if he was having issues with anything pertaining to our relationship, he needed to discuss it with me.  We are partners for a reason and we need to treat each other as such.  To my knowledge, he has not done in since our talk.  Luckily, he has the same view as I do about keeping money information private; so we have not had to deal with that.

Post # 35
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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anonybee0810:  

+100 One of my siblings runs to my mother with all of his business when he is in a relationship. I believe that this is one of the reasons he is unhappily single. Nobody wants a mama’s boy.

The OP needs to have a serious talk with her husband about boundaries. This is why it is best to marry someone who has similar attitudes towards family. My husband and I keep to ourselves and it works well for us.

Post # 36
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

I’ve always talked about money with my folks, brother, grandma and aunt. We all mmow each others financial state. I never realised how odd it was until I met my SO.  I guess it just works for my family even though most people find it odd. 

My SO bought us a very generous baby gift and I mentioned to my folks how much it cost. I didn’t even think about it. SO explained to me how he prefers to keep all stuff regarding money strictly private. So of course I agree and haven’t mentioned money to them since. They’ve asked but I explained that he wishes to keep it oricate and they respect that.

every families different but your hubby should respect your privacy and wishes. If your not comfortable and youve expressed this then he shouldnt be continueing the chats with his folks.

 

Post # 37
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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Baal:  Thank you so much for this reply. I have the same relationship/problem with my mother, and sometimes I still feel guilty about not sharing anything personal whatsoever, but she has gossip issues and also shares information about people I don’t know with me just to gossip and I loathe it. In college she would literally text me, “J is gay.” “Mrs. C had an affair.” “S had a mental breakdown.” Not acceptable! Anyway, thank you again.

Post # 38
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think that the problem here is that there is a range of how much sharing is normal, and you and your husband are at opposite ends of the spectrum – both of you are normal but very different. I think both of you need to make an effort to move towards the middle of the spectrum – in other words I think you need to be a bit more accepting of your husbands openess and your husband needs to respect your need for privacy. 

 

I think that it may help to sit down with your husband and try and reach a compromise on what’s off limits and what’s not. So for example, for you it seems that finances are off limits. When it comes to the car, maybe it’s fine for him to talk about what make/model you’re considering but not to talk about how you plan to finance it. 

Post # 39
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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fossil1127:  I got mad reading this. It may be “not a big deal” to some people, but heres the thing- your husband is not listening to you and understanding that this in fact is making you really upset. Your income and your money shouldn’t be anyone elses bussiness period. I would sit down and have a very very serious conversation with your husband about why he isn’t listening to you and going behind your back. A marriage needs to be open and have free communication and it seems thats lacking. I also agree with PP about counseling if these problems don’t get resolved.

Post # 40
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I will be mad if hubby can discuss or mention my salary to anyone else. I mean even if he just mentioned per annum amount. That’s my business and sharing it with him as my hubby doesn’t give him the liberty to publicize it. If it’s his family habit to share such private things then he should share his not mine. 

I’m very close to my mom and we talk about everything but I will never tell her how much I earn let alone hubby’s earning. I don’t even discuss how much I have in savings. My mom and hubby’s family (siblings, his parents are deceased) know that we are currently searching for a house but our price range is none of their business.  Even when we bought a car I never told my mum that we want to buy one. I just stopped at her work place with a brand new car and said I’m here to take you home. She was very happy that we bought a car and never even once did she ask why I didn’t tell her or how much it costs. 

 

Post # 41
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I thing everyone’s projecting their own perspectives onto this situation, which points to how subjective the idea of “privacy is” but also highlights how difficult it is to really judge your situation. 

The thing is, there’s so much that I don’t know about the context of this. I am curious as to where your private-ness stems from because I too have struggled with wanting to keep details about my life private, but through my work in therapy I have come to realize that this impulse stemmed from a lot of shame and fear that had built up over the years. In other words, my extreme need for privacy was something of a red flag that I was keeping people at a distance and needed to change.

Nothing of what you wrote sounds inherently like an overshare on your husband’s part. Have his parents done anything to warrant your concern? Have they meddled in your decision-making? Undercut any financial decisions? Did you explicitly ask your husband not to tell his father how much money you are making with your new job? Does your husband go behind your back and share information that you explicitly ask him not to (by which I mean, do you say “don’t tell your dad about this specific thing” or is it more of a general “you talk to your parents about too much, it makes me uncomfortable”)? If the answer is “no” to these questions, then I think that you are majorly overreacting & need to explore in individual therapy why you feel so threatened by your husband’s relationships to his parents. If your husband is agreeing to keep certain things secret from his parents and then telling them anyway behind your back, then you should both go to couple’s counseling because it sounds like there are a lot of conflicts that need to be hashed out between you two that your husband and/or you are avoiding. 

Post # 42
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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fossil1127:  omg I’m so sorry. I’m a private person too, and an only child with very controlling prying parents. Even in childhood, I felt my parents were over-interested. at 21, my boyfriend said my parents treat me like I’m 4. At 28, a coworker said “geez they treat you like you are 4”. At 40? Moms gone, dad still treats me like I’m 4. During a recent visit (midweek) I was not feeling well as I was getting ready for work in the am. I couldn’t find the dark socks I’d set aside the night before and loudly uttered “can’t find my dark socks. So DARK in here. Will look stupid with black pants and white socks today.” this was directed at my husband whod forgotten to change the lightbulb for the past week. He only needs to be nagged once. He’d have changed the bulb after work. I wouldn’t have even snipped if I’d been feeling better. My dad INSTANTLY rushed into the room and staRted looking for dark socks in my laundry. It doesn’t sound bad but I’m 40, and trying to pick out my socks in the morning is not the 1st time he’s treated me like I’m a helpless kid. When I got home from work, my dad had changed EVERY light bulb in my home to those bright white low energy bulbs. Maybe ok for laundry room but not for more ambient spaces. Those bulbs were all working too. Then, when I began to put my soft candle glow type bulbs back in my chandelier, he acted hurt and offended. Later that night I said I had a special dinner to prepare for him. Instead of taking a cue from the dog and husband who steer clear when I am cooking, he kept getting underfoot, asking “are you going to clean that up” as I tried to do the prep work. I really didn’t want to act snotty but I ended up scolding “I said I was preparing a meal, please stop crossing into my workspace”. He went to sit down but again tried to justify saying “well MY mother raused me to be helpful” in a hurt/angry tone. The honest truth is that his mother was an extremely attentive hostess, but when visiting OUR house, she stayed out of the way and acted like a guest. He asks inappropriate things too. Like wages, what last job review said, what I have in bank account. If I try to change the subject or politely say it’s private he picks a fight over something else… Mom used to pry more about friendships and try to convince me that friends were doing me wrong. My husband’s mother is opposite, she gets a call or calls us about once a month. My parents used to be ok with a weekly call but now I’m often seeing a call come in every 2 or 3 days. If we spoke the day before, I don’t pick up. They could leave a message in an emergency. It can be VERY hard to set healthy boundaries with parents who haven’t accepted that it’s time to back off. Don’t take it out on your fiancé, but talk to him now. Avoid taking any “help” from the too-close parents. You’ll end up sorry you did. Learn to respond but not react. My “please leave my workspace” is a good example. The time my mothers behavior caused me to call her a “crazy bitch” was not. Be very clear with him though what is ok to share w his parents and what’s not. He probably didn’t know you don’t want to share pay info, but if you tell him he will know.

Post # 43
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I dont think its about communication issues. Some people just don’t like to share as much as others. As long as no one is hiding unhealthy behavior, it’s got to be respected. It’s called setting healthy boundaries. 

Post # 44
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t understand people saying you’re overreacting or that he needs to vent – telling his parents how much you will earn in your new job is WAY crossing the line! I think you need to have a serious chat with him, and explain what you’ve said in here. You’re a team now, you and him. He’s a husband, not a little boy. If he keeps blabbing to mum and dad it will come between your marriage because you will stop telling him things. 

Post # 45
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

I just want to add, I’d be letting husband know that you don’t appreciate his dad going behind your back either. That’s bloody rude, you didn’t give him the goss so he dug elsewhere? 

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