My husband thinks I am too critical and put him down

posted 6 days ago in Married Life
Post # 62
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

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@neroren41:  I don’t want to fight with you or anyone else.  I’m going to leave this thread.  I’ve really tried since the last time I was called out by my fellow bees, but I got the same exact reaction yet again.  I’m not sure what I’m not understanding, but I don’t want to be responsible for derailing the OP’s thread any further.

Before I do go, I will say this: I admit I cannot “read a room”, and never could in my entire life.  If, in the absence of that, I need to keep to myself and not communicate with anyone else, whether in verbal or written form, that will make for an exceptionally lonely life, but maybe that’s what I will have to do.

OP, I’m sorry this got out of hand.

Post # 63
Member
7527 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have never told you to refrain from posting but as someone who has worked in the DV field for over 10 years I agree with Gorishgrl and really think you should not post on matters like this because you are ill-informed. 

Comments like yours are the reason why victims of DV stay in abusive sitations. Comments like yours are the reason victims of DV end up dead instead of leaving. Your comments are harmful. End of story.

The amount of women and men who I have counseled  who don’t think what they are experiencing is abuse is large. The amount of times I have encountered an abuser who thinks the things you mention also weren’t abuse. The number of police officers I have encountered that think the same things as you and therefore feel put out the organisation I work for has been called in. 

Society tries to ignore anything but physical abuse. But every time you ignore it or belittle a victim by questioning what the line is the more it reinforces the societal think that unless it’s physical it is not abuse. And this harms people. It sends them back into the arms of their abusers.

Your comment also smacks of priviledge. It very much reminds me of those that say casual racism isn’t that bad or isn’t a thing or the people who call everything political correctness.

Educate yourself. It is not up to everyone else to educate you.

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@stateofbeeing:  

Post # 65
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee

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@stateofbeeing:  Don’t get that upset over a bee that’s in an abusive relationship themselves.

I do agree with PP’s though that abuse and domestic violence situations are very difficult to give advice about unless you’ve had experience with it. If you give the wrong advice and someone follows it, that can put them in extreme danger. I don’t give advice on those threads either.

Post # 66
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

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@stateofbeeing:  I was never trying to fight! Merely wanted to know what you classified as emotional abuse to better try and understand where you are coming from? You repeatedly said you “don’t get it”, I figured an open discussion might help us meet in the middle and open up more understanding on both ends.

 

Post # 67
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

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@mrsaime:  Yes as someone who was with an NPD for 5 years if I had heard someone say that his possessiveness and constant criticizing me or humiliating me wasn’t “abusive” I would have clung to it, because in that situation you are literally trying to find any way possible to dismiss their bad behavior and see them in a more positive light.

Post # 68
Member
4343 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@stateofbeeing:  Surely you have to see the irony in telling someone they aren’t really a victim of abuse and then playing the victim yourself because someone said something you don’t like?

You don’t need to experience things to comment, but you do need to exercise some judgement. What was your comment trying to accomplish? What did it contribute to the conversation, other than to try and shame people or demean their experiences?

  • This reply was modified 2 days, 18 hours ago by saratiara2.
Post # 69
Member
3852 posts
Honey bee

Surely you have to see the irony in telling someone they aren’t really a victim of abuse and then playing the victim yourself because someone said something you don’t like?

I noticed this too, on this thread and others.

Post # 70
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think it was appropriate for anyone in this thread to tell OP that she is abusing her husband. I don’t think we have anywhere near enough information to make that kind of assumption at this point. 

As someone pointed out earlier, we have absolutely no idea what OP’s husband means when he says that OP is “too critical.” Does that mean:

A: OP constantly belittles her husband’s earnest efforts and tells him that he’s not good enough?

Or

B: OP’s husband does nothing to help out around the house, and whenever OP asks him to do something or contribute to the household, he turns around and tells her she’s being too “critical” of him. 

Those are two very, very different situations. The first could potentially be an indicator of OP’s absuse toward her husband. The second, not so much. We have no idea what the actual situation is. 

OP also noted that her husband thinks she’s using him as a punching bag, and OP said that she said something a while back that she shouldn’t have said, and regrets it. Does that mean:

A: OP regularly lashes out at his husband and puts him down with name-calling or unkind words?

Or

B: OP said something inapproproate and unkind one time, regrets it, and now every time she says something her husband doesn’t like, he brings it up and makes OP question herself?

Or

C: OP’s husband really is just an emotionally sensitive kind of guy, and interprets any kind of negative feedback from the OP as lashing out, being overly critical, or using him as a punching bag, and over time, OP has started to internalize his beliefs?

Or

D: OP and her husband have different communication styles and neither one is necessarily wrong, but they don’t know how to talk about their communication needs, leading OP to believe her husband is more sensitive than he actually is, and leading OP’s husband to believe that she’s harsher than she actually is. 

Again, we have NO actual idea about what is going on between OP and her husband. She hasn’t given us any details or specifics. Usually when we advise a Bee that she’s in an abusive situation, we do so after the Bee has explained her situation and the patterns of behavior she’s seen from her partner. OP hasn’t done that. This could be a situation where OP is actually harsh or abusive toward her husband, or it could be a situation of poor communication or misunderstandings within their marriage, or it could even be a situation of OP’s husband manipulating OP into thinking she’s horribly critical and unkind. We don’t have enough information to know.

Because we don’t actually know any details, I don’t think it was appropriate for anyone to tell OP that she’s abusing her husband. That’s a powerful and potentially dangerous accusation and we need to use it wisely. OP has noted that she’s trying to make a change. I think supporting her in her goals is a better use of this space than just assuming she’s an absuser and telling her so. 

 

Post # 71
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee

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@bluejellyfish:  Usually when we advise a Bee that she’s in an abusive situation, we do so after the Bee has explained her situation and the patterns of behavior she’s seen from her partner. OP hasn’t done that.

Your explanation could EASILY be used on any of your own examples though, becuase we only ever hear from one side. Would you tell a woman who feels abused that “perhaps she’s just too emotionally sensitive” when her husband criticizes her? No you fucking wouldn’t. Don’t try to belittle pps just because it’s a WOMAN who is the abuser this time. What a garbage answer. 

 

Post # 72
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

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@bluejellyfish:  I agree with you. I personally need more info before throwing out words like abuse. And I would say that if the genders were reversed.

However, OP has been asked a few times to share context and she isn’t doing it, which doesnt make me super inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt here.

Post # 73
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

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@emilyofnewmoon:  At this point, I assume OP has abandoned this thread. 

Post # 74
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

@stateofbeeing:  I’m not going to reveal my educational background because what I’m about to say is unsolicited and unprofessional. Stateofbeing, you would benefit greatly from extensive emotional and psychological testing. You know that your reactions can be out of the mainstream and it causes you stress. It might help to find out why. 

OP, sorry to derail your thread further. Go on and sin no more or whatever.

Post # 75
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

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@j_jaye:  This, but 100x in bold font, on a billboard 

Post # 76
Member
909 posts
Busy bee

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@stateofbeeing:  

So I don’t agree with stateofbeing that this is not abuse. It is. 

BUT I do think some people have definitively declared abuse without enough information. All we know is that the husband thinks she’s ‘too critical’ – without any details – and that she fights dirty during arguments. Both of these things are wrong and need to be addressed.

But I’ve had couple friends with similar complaints and it’s more of a nitpicking situation that has built up over time due to differerent habits/lifestyles/cleanliness, the resulting resentment, and poor communication. Which is a bit different from sytematically demeaning and wearing down the self-esteem of the other. A fine line, yes, but we have almost no specific information here. 

I do SUSPECT that OP is at least bordering on abuse based on the fact that she hasn’t told us about the criticism, and hasn’t told us what she said in the argument. But I don’t think we have enough information here to diagnose abuse. 

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