(Closed) My husband thinks l have "unrealistic" expectations.

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 5
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I also want to know why on earth he wouldn’t want to have sex more…

Post # 6
9079 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Maybe he needs to seek a doctor to see if his tiredness is health related. If it is work related, maybe he can speak to whomever schedules him to see if there is a way they can lighten the load on him.

Post # 7
467 posts
Helper bee

Once a week isn’t asking for much.  I’m annoyed at my SO for only being interested in doing the deed every 7-9 days.  Mama needs her sugar!  Particularly at the start of the marriage, you should be having sex pretty frequently.  Have you asked your hubby to go to the doctor?  Sometimes there may be a physical cause for him not wanting sex.  

Post # 8
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ok maybe he does not have a typical sex drive, but he needs to still try a little harder. I will admit that I don’t have the best sex drive. I wish I did, I could probably go years without and I’d be fine!… But because my Fiance wants it I give it to him! It doesn’t matter if I’m “not in the mood”, sometimes you just need to “do it”! He should be understanding.

Post # 9
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think once a month is on the low side. However, if both partners are happy with this arrangement, then it’s totally fine. Since you definitely are not, then this is not fine. I would considering trying out couple’s counseling because I think you need a neutral third party to get to the bottom of this and to help you both reach a reasonable compromise.

If it’s really tiredness, then aside from speaking with the doctor, you can try doing the deed at times when he’s more refreshed. For example, maybe mornings are better than nights since he just woke up – especially weekend mornings.

Post # 10
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

He is the one with unreasonable expectations

Post # 11
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He should see a doctor and have a thorough workup, especially if his lowered sex drive represents a change from the past. You didn’t give us much background, but I’m assuming he wasn’t so disinterested before you were married.

Your expectations aren’t unreasonable, but this isn’t the kind of thing where reason holds a lot of sway. If there’s nothing medical going on, you might need couples counselling to work it out.

Post # 12
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree about seeing a doctor. Perhaps try for times when you know he can’t be tired, e.g. on the weekend?

You’re certainly not being unrealistic. Even once a week is low for newlyweds who wait, from my experience and what I can gather from friends. Perhaps direct him to this or any other forum if he thinks once or twice a month is acceptable. If you waited for Christian reasons, perhaps visit themarrriagebed.com forums

Post # 13
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I agree with PPs, I think your hubby needs to access some medical help to try and work out if there is a physical reason why he has such a low libido.  And if there isn’t then I personally think he should see a counsellor, incase there is a underlying issue (bullying, self esteem, abuse, embarrassment at a crucial developemental stage etc.)  Once a month is fine when you are both settled and older, but I would say since you have only been having sex since marriage, and only married a relatively short time, you should still be wanting to jump each other all the time!! 


EDIT:  Also – he is being unreasonable if he is making you feel dejected when he rejects your initiation of sex.  That’s not fair

Post # 14
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

My ex husband had a similar drive. I once went about 3 months without it because everytime I initated he stated that I was “pressuring him” and he’d withdraw. Sorry I don’t have a solution for you… it was definitely on the top list of things that broke us up. I tried counselling, taking him to naughty stores, dressing differently, etc. Nothing worked. I began to get upset and cry at movies where there was a romantic scene because I felt like I would never experience anything like that for the rest of my life. So sorry you’re going through this. 🙁

Post # 15
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would support him in going to see a doctor to rule out anything physical. Then I would head to a counselor, if all checked out, to talk about this as a couple. Part of being in a relationship is both are sexually satisfied as much as possible. You both deserve that. Whatever either of your “normal” is to each of ya.

I don’t know your ages or how long you have been together. But it could be emotional. To me, there is no rule of thumb for how a relationship is “supposed” to be…it’s what makes each of you satisfied, so try to not pay attention to things that say men are supposed to be sex starved, you should be having sex  “x” amount of times each week…it really could be something he’s going through that has nothing to do with you.


I’m sure this is so hard and I’m really sorry.

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