(Closed) My husband -unintentionally?- raped me.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Wow. I am so sorry! I cannot imagine what you must being going through. You guys need to see a counselor for the best guidance in this situation. 

Post # 3
Member
3035 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

Not sure what to say… but “sexomnia” seems to be a real thing so it could be something to consider/look into. I could see how he could be really confused/frustrated if what he is saying his side of the story is true.  

Post # 3
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry. I think if I were in your position I would seek some counselling for myself to work through this and also with Dh. Regardless of what you want to call what he did, it was wrong. Drunk or married or on mars, doesn’t matter. He forced the issue, you said no. I hope you can get some support. Good luck. 

Post # 5
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

as for sexsomnia, rem behaviour disorders are incredibly rare. Is he on any medications? 

Post # 6
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

If you believe him 100% when he says “you were just jacking me off a few minutes ago” then maybe you are sleep-sexing? I’m more than certain i’ve watched a program on this before and there is a medical term.

On the other hand, i’ve also heard of men enjoying sex with a sleeping partner. Which is so wrong. 

So it depends on whether you believe him when he says he had no idea you were sleeping.

I would not throw away a perfect relationship over this unless i was 100% certain I was not initiating or participating in sexual activities during my sleep. Talk to your doctor.

Post # 8
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My Fiance sleep-sexes and sleep masturbates, it’s worse when he is stressed. I know about it, as he warned me about it at the beginning of our relationshi, so I usually just wake him up when he starts trying. You should definitely look into that, as it is a real sleep disorder. We talked to a friend of his who does sleep studies and she said it’s not extremely uncommon.

 

as for him continuing when you said NO that is obviously unacceptable. I am so sorry that happened to you. That is super fucked up, and I would demand he see a counselor with you.

Post # 10
Member
4534 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

anonymousey31:  Regardless of whether you are having sleepsex or not, at the point where you said “No,” he should’ve stopped. That needs to be made very, very clear to him. It doesn’t matter if you were already having sex with him – you have the right to stop at any point (as does he) and the other person has to respect that.

About the sexsomnia – do you sleepwalk, talk in your sleep, etc.? I ask because Darling Husband talks in his sleep and will sometimes try to get out of bed, and he’s been known to roll over and kiss me full on the mouth – and be fast asleep the whole time. (It’s creepy.) So my thought is that if you are prone those types of things, his story might be true.

Post # 11
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

Ugh. The thought of being violated makes me sick. I’m so sorry you are going through this experience. Since he is remorseful, I would definitely suggest counseling and taking a break from sex until you are comfortable again. If he were acting like it was no big deal, I would suggest leaving. Good luck to you. 

Post # 12
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Sexsomnia can be totally legit from what I’ve read and I think it’s entirely possible you may have seemed awake leading up to it. However….even if he 100% thought you were awake, it doesn’t matter. If at any point in time you say no, for any reason, even in the fucking middle of sex, that’s his cue to immediately stop what he’s doing, not forge ahead. You “consenting” – sexsomnia or not – earlier does not cancel out a later ‘no’ for any reason. I am so, so sorry you’re dealing with this. I would highly recommend counseling to try to work through this with him because it is a marriage, but I don’t think anyone would blame you for leaving.

Post # 13
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

anonymousey31:  I was on a very heavy sleeping pill awhile ago and aparently I did some out of character sexual things. The next day Fiance ( then Boyfriend or Best Friend ) made a comment on the fact that I ” got wild ” last night. I do not remeber anything from that night. So yes it can happen.

Post # 14
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

I can’t comment on the sleeping during sex part, but the second you say no, he should stop and respect your wishes. There should be no coersion, no guilt, no anger. Sex in a marriage should never be a “I did x for you, now you do x for me” situation. 

I would discuss that with him, not the sleep sex part. You could genuinely have a sleep disorder. The fact that he got so angry over you saying no really worries me though. No husband is owed anything sexually. No wife is owed anything sexually. The second he starts viewing this as a tit-for-tat exchange, it’s time for some couple’s therapy.

The topic ‘My husband -unintentionally?- raped me.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors