(Closed) My husband -unintentionally?- raped me.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

I haven’t read all the posts, but just wanted to add that it sounds very much like you do sleep-sex. I know, because I’m a confirmed sleep-sexer. I’ve done it many, many times and had no recollection, only to find ‘evidence’ of it happening in the morning. Sometimes ill wake up midway, but often not. 

I also sleep talk, walk etc. so I get really worried when I’m staying in a house etc with other people, as I really don’t know what I’m capable of doing when unconscious! 

This is obviously doesn’t address the issue with your husband, but just wanted to put in my 2c as far as the sleeping bit went. 

Post # 92
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
MissTNBookworm:  your safe word needs to be something completely out of the moment and not sexual if you’re playing with boundaries of consent… It should be completely, unequivocally not something that would ever come up in the heat of the moment.

 

I’m not slagging on the idea of being kinky. 40% of women have a fantasy around coercion to some degree.

But:

1) IF YOU MAKE NO MEAN YES SOMETHING ELSE BETTER FUCKING MEAN NO.

2) you can’t take your own sexual exoeriences and decide that’s what everyone has in their life.

3) This is basically the same argument as, “she only said no once and then we had sex/she stopped struggling when I put it in her so she was really okay with it.”

edit to add 4): since none of us here are sleep experts evaluating the OP with a machine, and even if we WERE, she made it pretty damn clear she was going with a hard no as soon as she was awake: can we stop bringing up the sleep sex to fucking justify rape???

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by babeba.
Post # 93
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I know my fh (who sleep talks and has had night terrors) and I (who sleeps texts/calls and talks) have started going at it during the night. But if he or I say no all activities cease. 

I had a similar situation when I had a guy stay over long ago and woke me up trying ro initiate. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I literally had to clamp my vagina down so he would stop trying to enter. He said it wasn’t rape because I had consented earlier. I made it clear to my fh when we met that if I say no I mean it.   Even if we’re drunk or under any other type of intoxication he has always respected that.

Post # 94
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

OP, PLEASE understand that none of us who are trying to see things past the black and white of “no means no” are excusing your husbands behavior! I’m sure that the vast majority of us are not operating on a “1950’s mentality” as one PP said. That was the most ridiculous statement I have read here. 

 

I’m sure that many of us are imagining this situation as if we had gone through what you just did; however we are doing so with the full understanding of what it is like to be in a loving, trusting relationship where something very, very weird and out of character occurred. I know that my husband has never shown any sort of violent tendencies, emotional abuse, or whatever so for him OUT OF NOWHERE to pry my legs open on a random night wouldn’t make me think that he randomly developed a violent streak. Instead I would say to him, “Well that was f***ing weird and it pissed me the hell off, so what in the world was running through your mind?!” I wouldn’t assume he was violent and I should leave him because up until that point I trusted him with my body as much as I trust myself. From what you wrote it seems like you trusted your husband until now because you made it seem like he has a clean record with you and was remorseful about what happened. I’m not saying you should, but if I were in your shoes I would consider how strong my trust was before and MAYBE offer him some benefit of the doubt, depending on how you feel (obviously none of us know your exact situation, so I am just responding based on the info you gave us). 

 

And what is up with all these people disregarding the importance of the weird sleep issues?! OP, your husband made it sound like you two had had sex during the night before. Who knows how things went down on those nights, but maybe your husband has learned to accept some unusual things as normal do to those encounters. Again, I’m not saying that he should be excused, but it makes me think that your husband would probably appreciate an opportunity to explain himself further. I feel like some other things would probably come to light. 

Bees, does it put me back in the 1950’s to consider both sides of a very complicated and unusual situation?! No, I think it means I’m paying attention to the details. Sheesh. 

Post # 95
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

That is a sad and scary story and I empathize.  He needs counseling, at the very least.

Post # 96
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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anonymousey31:  Hello, I’ve signed up to this site just to reply to you so I hope this finds you.<br />This is doing to be long, but please bear with me.<br /><br />Me and my future-wife (NearlyMrsHill) have been discussing this for a while and to be honest it’s one of the hardest situations I can imagine anyone finding themselves in.<br />All I can do is try to help by discussing my issues with sexsomnia (something I’ve knowingly suffered from for years… and yes, suffered from is the right term) as well the view from his point of view (to a degree).<br /><br />So, sleep sex. It sounds like this might be something you are afflicted with and you’ve found out in probably the worst possible way.<br />I was lucky. I found out I suffered from this when I was around 21-22. I was in a long term relationship and one morning my partner brought up the sex we had the previous night. I had NO idea what she was talking about, not a clue. Turns out I was fast asleep. This has been ongoing since. It’s rare, it doesn’t happen often (not like having a chatter or a walk) but it does still happen occasionally (as NearlyMrsHill can vouch for).<br />The one thing I’ve found about sexsomnia is that it’s me that instigates the sex in my sleep. This is what I’ve been told by all my partners who this has happened with since finding out about it.<br />If you are suffering from this then there’s every chance you did instigate the sexual activity. Especially if alcohol was involved. I think the last time my sleep-sex took charge was after quite the boozy night.<br />As I’ve known about this for a long time I set boundries, I never share a bed with anyone other than a girlfriend (or my now future-wife). When me and her started seeing each other I didn’t let her sleep over because of this, which I had explained to her, this was to save me from being in what could be construed as a potentially rapey situation.<br />But as you didn’t know about it, there’s no reason for you to have previously had these boundries.<br /><br />IF the situation was<br />Drink – bed – fall asleep – fool around in sleep – say no just as penetration was about to happen.<br />I can understand both of you being confused.

I understand your point of view as I’ve woken up half way through sex. I honestly have no idea where I am, how it started or what the hell is going on. It’s very disorientating and can be distressing. Again, I’m lucky in that I know what situation I’m in. You did not, I can’t totally understand you feeling scared, confused and not knowing what to do.<br /><br />From his point of view, if he thought you were awake and this extended foreplay had happened and then was all of a sudden told “no i’m asleep” I can kind of understand why he said “no, you were awake? I just got you off?” and it taking him a minute to realise what was going on.<br />I’ve had partners carry on having sex with me when I’ve been asleep but apparently there have been times when it seems I’m awake.

So I don’t think this is as black and white as a lot of people on here would like it to be.<br />Do I think he made a mistake. Yes. A really f’ing big one.<br />Do I think he raped you. No. <br /><br />You said he is mortified, you said your relationship was perfect until this, so I say don’t throw it away. Talk to one another. <br />Communication is by far the most important thing in this situation. <br />I don’t think you need to see a marriage councellor, as it doesn’t sound like there has been a problem with your marriage.<br />If you choose to see a therapist however this is your choice. All I can say is that I’d recommend seeing someone who deals with sexual issues.

Also, setting those boundries such as “No sex after 11pm, no matter what” is a great idea. This will ensure this doesn’t happen again but also help you figure out if you are suffering from sleep sex issues. <br />But this will only work if you both continue to discuss them when they happen.

I’m not defending what he did, he should have stopped instantly, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment it can take a minute for thoughts to be processed. <br /><br />I hope you’re ok, I hope he is ok and I hope you can work it out.<br />All the best.

Post # 97
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

OP–I’ve been thinking about this post for to days now and I honeslty don’t know what I would do in your situation. I’m literally stumped for an answer.

I wish you the best no matter what you decide. You are in a no win situation.

Post # 98
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Your husband raped you. Intentionally. You said “no” and he ignored it and forced himself on you. That’s rape. Your husband is a rapist. Whether you “sex sleep” or whatever it does not excuse this situation. You said “no”. He ignored it. He’s a rapist.

 

Just because he’s sorry and he’s crying now doesn’t mean he is somehow “okay” and “it happened on accident”. Most domestic abusers apologize and cry and beg for forgiveness. Those are manipulation techniques to make you stay. But he did in fact raped you. Nothing will ever change that.

 

And I’m sorry to say, but statistics clearly shows that there is much bigger chance for you just being a victim of domestic abuse, as millions women are, then for it to be a “mistake” (really? you said NO which he willingly IGNORED) or “sex sleep” (he admitted he was awake, and whatever sleep disorders you have does not mean he can force himself on you, you clearly said no). 

Your husband is a rapist. I’m sorry. 

Post # 99
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I think its quite clear your husband did not intendto go against your wishes as in the moment he was quite unsure/confused what exactly those were. That being said, of course no means no and I can’t imagine how you must have felt. This will be a painful lesson for him and one he seems to be very open to embracing based on everything you have said. I hope you are able to emotionally heal, in your own time, from what must have been a very frightening situation.

Post # 100
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

It sounds like sleep sexing, it is a form of sleep walking and apparently more common than we think! I dated a guy who started (out of nowhere) doing the same thing! Most of the time he didn’t remember it the next morning. After seeing somone about it, it is apparently a form of sleep walking where the person (usually male) has sex without USUALLY being able to recall it in the morning, and we (the women) are left confused and upset as to what just happened. We were told that it can come from stress, so is there anything that could be causing your husband more stress that usual? Definitely talk to him about it, he is your husband and based off of what you have said about your relationship, this isn’t something intentional that he is diong to hurt you. Go to the doctor with him and see what they have to say, it could be something that is easily resolved. As for my boyfriend at the time, it just stopped randomly and never happened again. I know he was going through a lot that could have initially caused it (death of his father at the time) but still unsure as to what caused it to stop suddenly.

Post # 102
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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anonymousey31:  I previously made a conscious decision to not to weigh into the fray before your update.

Having said that, I agree with your current train of thought and I am quite sure that your current approach would be mine as well.

Take care.

Post # 103
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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anonymousey31:  I think you are making a brave and sensible choice. Provided you protect yourself from future trauma and receive the help that you need (therapy and perhaps a sex therapist for advice on how to rebuild trust and proceed safely and happily) then it is your life and only you can be the one who makes that call. None of us know how we would react in this situation and I’m so sorry you have lived it. I sincerely hope you seek the advice of some professionals as soon as possible. Learning where to go from here is the next step. I do suggest you attend alone the first time. That way you can explain the situation without the pressure of your DH’s pain and regret next to you. It will give you the space to be unfiltered and frank. Good luck.  

Post # 104
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This is really weird….but if you were drunk ro doing somehting in your sleep adn he was responding thats not rape. And hes obviously sorry…. I don’t really see this as that big a deal.

As someone who was raped by my significant other, who showed no remorse and i cried and begged the whole time, this does not sound like rape. It sound slike a really weird misunderstanding. I’m not judging its just my opinion.

Post # 105
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

“I definitely believe him when he says that he didn’t realize I was sleeping, I guess my main issue is that sleeping or not, when I say no, it means no, not pry my legs open and have sex with me anyways.”

And HERE is the real problem. Sleep disorders and drinking too much aside, he knew what he was doing and especially if he thought you were awake and coherent and he still did this? Not acceptable. 

 

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