Thank you to each and every one of you for your replies, I read every single one of them. I got far more replies than I anticipated, and many filled with hugs and love. I truly, truly appreciate it. This clearly struck a chord with many people (some people even creating accounts to respond!), and with others, not as much, showing me that we are all human and have very different opinions.
I still have a lot of questions about that night, how that happened, what in the world he might have been thinking, etc. Over the last few days, I have thought about all of this, and will continue to do so for a very long time. My heart is heavy, and I know that I likely will remember this for the rest of my life. Many of the replies said something along the line of, “I can’t imagine my SO/FI/DH doing this to me.” If you had asked me last Wednesday, before bed, believe me, neither would I.
Anyways, some thoughts that I have had:
I don’t think one mistake should result in a marriage ending (minus okay, holding a gun to someone’s head, I’m not naive)
This will probably be something we deal with for a very long time
The only way to get past this is through open communication/probably counseling
I don’t believe my husband is a rapist. I know many of you disagree with this. But I think in five years, having seen NO sign of anything like this, I can’t find myself to believe that. Many people responded with, “if he did this to a stranger, he’d be in jail!” Well, he’s not a stranger, we’re intimate often, so I don’t think that should even be a comparison.
I will look at this as a one time, serious, huge, freaking stupid, and drunk, offense
However, if it happens again I know I will not be hanging around, and sadly, I’ll probably always be on the lookout for any signs indicating that this could happen again
I believe many of you may think me foolish, but I’m the only one (besides DH) who knows the ins and outs of our relationship. Maybe I’m wrong in this assessment, but I sure do hope I’m right.
I literally have no idea how to approach our future sex life…that’ll be interesting.
We’ll definitely be cutting WAY down on the drinking thing…if not altogether.
Anyways, thanks for being there for me, bees. At this time when I feel so alone it was cool to know there were so many people there supporting me.