- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2016 - Whitetail Ridge
The clear line between people who love animals and those who don’t is very prevalent in this thread. Jeez.
The clear line between people who love animals and those who don’t is very prevalent in this thread. Jeez.
I agree with Horseradish Make a list of all the things your husband dislikes about the cat and the two of you should sit down and try to solve the problems together. Tell him the cat means a lot to you and he needs to meet you halfway.
If he is still being stubborn, ask him how he would feel if you asked him to get rid of something that means a lot to him (like cutting off one of his friends just because “you don’t like him.”) I hope you guys come to an agreement. Good luck!
No there is a clear differance between love and obession.
Do we know if the cat has been throwing up for 4 years? Or is it a recent thing? Is it an on and off again thing. My cat used to do it, but not after every meal. Just wanting some clarification.
I agree with others she should have tamed the hissing and other bad behaviors and he should have spoken up earlier. But common, the cat is old now. He should have said something four years ago.
And how did this get into a kids Vs animals thread? But I’ll put my vote in for animals.
Having dedicated time to play with your cat solves a world of problems. For some reason, people don’t think about playing with cats, it astounds me. My cat was a super grump, but when we spent 10 minutes a day playing with him, it was like night and day. Unfortunately, vomit + cats is kind of a given. My kitty vomits occasionally from eating too fast, but I did notice that when I switched him to a higher quality food, he has only vomited like twice in 4 months as opposed to like twice a month (he was on Purina before and is now on Blue Buffalo).
Ugh, some people are unbelievable. Basically, the situation is this:
1. An animal is a family member.
2. Family members are a package deal.
3. When someone selects their partner, the partner’s family members come as a package deal.
4. I would no more accept a partner who ordered me to get rid of my pets than I would accept one who ordered me to become estranged from my mother or my father.
Bottom line: if you don’t want a partner with a pet, then don’t date someone with pets. If you don’t want a partner with kids, then don’t date someone with kids…. et cetera et cetera. Everyone comes with baggage and a good deal of it is non-negotiable.
I note that many of the pet haters here dislike cats and wouldn’t have one anyway. Well, that’s fine. But a lot of people love their animals. When you get with a partner you accept them just the way they are, and you don’t try to change the basics (if you expect your partner to change over time, you will be in for a world of disappointment). It’s not acceptable to marry someone and then order them to lose 100lb “or else” you’ll leave. It’s not acceptable to marry someone and then order them to give up their hobbies, their friends, their family… and their pets.
If you don’t like the package deal, don’t buy it. But you can’t buy the complete package with your eyes open and then complain afterwards that you were ripped off.
… and this is why I would not give into an ultimatum like this.
Also, full disclosure: one of our cats has been very ill for almost a year with diarrhoea and inappropriate elimination. It has really tested DH’s and my relationship, but I’m not giving up on the cat. I made this abundantly clear, much to his disgust. Recently we finally, finally found a diet which seems to be starting to sort him out (having spent a small fortune on vet bills, medical tests, and medicine in the interim). Pets need protection and care… my husband is more than capable of providing that for himself. The cat is not. Animals are vulnerable and require our sympathy and affection.
make your husband love him. there needs to be some sort of compromise. and older cats (mine’s 14) throw up all the time. we can’t help it that they eat too fast. just give them more water and hopefully they will learn to pace themselves, but it is difficult. i get you on the vomiting part. but your husband needs to respect that you had your cat first! he probably wouldn’t feel this way about your dog, right? it’s unfair to you. and i also second watching my cat from hell haha. good luck! PLEASE don’t give your kitty away. he can still change!
OP, can you please clarify what you have tried with the cat already? My furbaby (yes, she is my child and I don’t care what the pet-haters think!) got sick a lot when she had a furball. Could your cat be dealing with that?
AmberEyes: +1 This is helpful advice.
Fiance and I actually had a similar issue. I love animals, but not FI’s cats! Fiance has 2 cats he calls his daughters and they have been the subject of many disagreements and arguments between Fiance and I. One of the cats is a rescue, older, and very shy. She sleeps under beds and in closets and that’s it (besides vomitting, she does that when she eats wet food too fast on Saturday mornings). The other cat is a monster- she LOVES Fiance, but no one else. Due to her breed, her claws cannot retract and leaves hardcore scratches!! The cats had free reign and there was cat hair all over his apartment. They also walked all over the dining table all the time, and that’s gross. The litter box was just out and that bothered me. They also sleep with him in bed, except they always stepped all over me and woke me up in the middle of the night and at 5 in the morning whenever I was there. I was SOO frustrated with the cats and felt like he was prioritizing them over me- when you get woken up over and over again, you get grumpy! At first Fiance was very protective over his girls. I like animals but I am firmly in the animals are not people and never will be camp.
I never told Fiance to get rid of the cats, but they did cause a lot of problems between us and I did tell him something needed to change. Here are some things we did to improve the situation. I feed the cats their wet food if I am there on Saturday mornings (so that maybe they like me). I try to spend one on one play time with them (also to help them like me). I buy them treats and toys for Christmas or special occassions. I asked Fiance clean his couch/bed more to help with the cat hair- I don’t like taking a shower and crawling into bed and then getting cat hair on me. I also asked him to clean the table more- cats do NOT belong walking on tables you eat on! We also agreed that the cats get kicked out of the bedroom at bed time. I was tired of them waking me up throughout the night and at the crack of dawn. Plus, it got awkward sometimes when we were being intimate and the cat was in bed with us. But mostly I hated them waking me up, getting crappy sleep, and being pissed off about it. If I’m not there, Fiance lets them still sleep with him, but when we move in together, those cats will not be allowed to sleep in the bedroom any more- end of story. They meow like crazy next to the door in the mornings, but I don’t get woken up in the middle of the night at least. Hopefully they will get used to it eventually. I also told him that I don’t want to see or smell the litterbox. Since we are moving in together soon, he got a furniture piece to put the cat box in completely on his own- that made me very happy. I think the biggest thing is that both partners need to do their part to make it work. FI’s cats don’t like me still, and neither are cuddlers or affectionate at all, but I am less grumpy when I sleep well and I give them treats in the hopes that maybe they will like me some day.
GL OP! I know it csn be tough, but I think you could take some steps toward fixing the cat’s behavior and your husband may be more agreeable to coexisting with the cat.
cautiously3optimistic: I agree that “dump your husband!” is not good advice, but also realize that the type of resentment her husband has felt would be on no level like what she’d feel if she gave up her cat and it got put down (which it almost certainly would be. Even healthy, young, cute cats don’t get adopted that often, old fat grumpy ones stand no chance).
One is the resentment of having to live with a minor nuisance all the time (yes, very annoying, but vomit and hisses are still, overall, very minor issues and if that’s all a person had to deal with in life, I’d be mighty envious), and the other is resentent over having been made to essentially kill something you love.
If my fiance ever made me give up a pet that got put down as a result of that, it would destroy the relationship, flat out. A person who truly loves me would never make me kill something I love.
To OP: I agree with others who have said you should work on fixing at least a couple of the cat’s problems. But also make your husband understand that forcing you to sentence your cat to death is not really an option. No pet lover will ever fully recover from that, and the resentment could easily kill your marriage, more than come cat puke could. But to have a perpetually vomiting, mean cat is also no tiny thing, and you should work to alleviate some of that as much as you can.
arabbel: What are the odds that he’s truly just a hearless asshole? and what are the odds that he’s been struggling with this for four years and he’s hit his breaking point. Asking someone to get rid of a pet is not something people do lightly.
and what about re-homing? not just surrendering the cat to a shelter. she could find a person willing to take in a cat like hers. It sounds like there are plenty of people on here who make their pets their first priority so the OP might be able to find one in her area to take on her grumpy cat. and again, what might be considered a minor nuisance to one person may be downright unbearable for another. my point is that as a partner in their marraige, he deserves to be heard and not have his complaints dismissed as just a minor nuisance that he has to put up with or else.
while giving up her cat may destroy her love for her husband, being repeatedly ignored and dismissed about this issue might kill the love he has for her. Both points of view need to be considered. if she goes back with a “I’m keeping my cats no matter what and you’re just going to have to deal” attitude, that will show him that his comfort, feelings, and concerns don’t matter to her… at least not as much as the cat does.
i have a tip for the eating too fast and throwing up bit, should also help with the overweight part. I had a cat just like that – grumpy/aggressive, overweight even as a kitten, scarffed her food down and would immediately throw it back up. i mentioned it to the vet one time during an annual exam and she said that if she’s been doing that for 7 years, it’s most likely food allergies. She suggested I try food made with lamb or duck and start there since she’d always been on a chicken based food. They worked – she didn’t throw up, but she didn’t like the taste either and stopped eating them. So I looked at what other ingredients were missing in those compared to her old food and discovered she had a corn allergy. I put her on Natural Choice Chicken & Brown Rice and it did wonders! She stopped throwing up, lost weight AND (added bonus) she was a happier kitty cause she felt better!!
cautiously3optimistic: I think you over estimate how easy it is to rehoms a cat. I love cats and would feel awful hearing about one that would get put down due to this situation, but I wouldn’t adopt it. People very rarely take on unexpected pets, and those that do take on ones they feel would be a good companion to them, not very inconvenient pity cases. Op’s husband, whether he admits this to himself or not, is almost certainly making hers sentence her cat to death.
And again, this all comes down to the fact that he knew what he was getting into. That cat was there before the relationship, and he had time to realize it was an issue before it became a “me or the cat” situation. I think his complaints absolutely should be heard and more should be done to alleviate the annoyances of the cat, but asking her to get rid of it now is unacceptable, in my opinion.
I get that this has probably become something huge for him, but it isn’t objectively huge. My point was that something that is in essence just a nuisance has apparently become a monolith in his mind, but should it be? I think OP needs to do more, but her husband needs to take a step back and get some perspective. Again, to a pet lover, being asked to do this feels like being asked to murder your child. Whether he takes this lightly or not, he does not understand entirely what he is asking.
arabbel: again you’re minimizing and dismissing his point of view. Get perspective? he wakes up and goes to sleep every day in a home that probably smells like cat vomit with a grumpy hissing cat. How do you step back and get perspective on that? Leave?
and how absurd is it that there are all these bleeding hearts saying “oh poor kitty, you deserve a loving home…. but not in my home!” it’s the “not in my backyard” syndrome. Everyone is more than happy to tell everyone else to just shut up and deal with it because you “knew what you were getting in to,” but they wouldn’t take on the problems themselves. Yeah, he knew she had a crappy cat who hated him (and everyone else in the world) and threw up all the time. Perhaps he assumed that his wife wouldn’t just let this crappy status quo stand forever. and even if he knew that she’d just sit back and do nothing for four years and at first he thought he could handle it, maybe now he can’t anymore. He knew about it, thought he could do it, and he can’t. “Just shut up and deal” could easily turn into ” i can’t anymore, I need to leave.” some people have endless patience. some people don’t. Very few people have endless patience for a cat they don’t like and makes their daily life grosser, harder, and more stressful due to the hissing.
cautiously3optimistic: Why are you getting testy? We are just discussing viewpoints.
My point in stepping back and getting perspective was not per se “he’s going to look and see that this is no biggie!” But oftentimes when I have gotten really angry and hung up on things, when a take a step back I will see “you know, this is an issue, but it’s not inherently as huge as I’m feeling like it was.” Maybe he’ll take a step and see it is every bit as bad as he thinks it is now, but eve if so, why would taking a deep breath and trying to look at things nore objectively ever be a bad thing?
It’s not absurd at all, actually, that all us “bleeding hearts” wouldn’t be willing to adopt every car we see. I am guessing you think it’s awful that people are starving around the world, but I also doubt you give money to all of them. I may feel bad for an animal’s situation, but I did not get that animal in the first place and it’s not my responsibility.
Yes, everyone says to deal with it because you knew what you were getting into, and simultaneously won’t take it on ourselves. And you know why? Because we know what we’d be getting into! That’s the whole point! Don’t get into things you think you might not be able to handle, which is exactly why other people wouldnt adopt this cat. We are practicing exactly what we preach.
You are saying maybe he married her thinking she’d change her behaviour towards the cat. One of the golden rules of marriage is to not expect your partner to change, and if you can’t handle some aspect of them, to leave because there’s no guarantee it will go away. If he did go in with that perspective, it was not wise on his part.
Face it, we have two different versions of potentially dismissing feelings here. The animal lovers potentially dismissing the level of nuisance the cat brings, and non-animal lovers dismissing how traumatic it would be to kill your own pet.
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