Post # 1
I got married a year and a half ago. Shortly after that, my husband reunited with his daughter who he hadn’t seen since she was a baby. She is a sweet girl who is getting married in about a year, and my husband wants to pay for her wedding in part to make up for his absence in her life for many years. We are happy to do this for her so she can have her dream wedding. The problem is this: when we went shopping for wedding dresses, dad was unprepared to pay for the dress she chose, so I had to put the down payment on my debit card because I had some money saved there he doesn’t have access to (we keep our finances separate). Now, as additional wedding expenses are coming up, he’s made the comment that he needs my tax refund money to pay for them. So far, he hasn’t put one penny toward this wedding, although I know he will eventually kick in for it. He just has a hard time saving money. I was more than happy to foot the bill for the initial dress down payment, but I’m feeling a little put off by having to fund approximately half of a wedding for someone who isn’t my blood relative. Our own wedding was done on the cheap because I didn’t want to spend a fortune on it. Am I being stingy? I do believe that what’s mine is his and vice versa, but I’m choking a bit on being told to step up, without even being asked. I don’t want to seem cheap or unkind, but I’m wondering whether I should tell him to stop counting on my financial help for this. We split most of the day to day expenses and we earn comparable incomes. I’m happy to be involved, but I have other debts I need to attend to, and I don’t have children of my own. Your thoughts?
This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by stepupmom. Reason: Wrong word used
Post # 2
I would be outraged at being told to pay for the wedding of a comparative stranger. Don’t cough up another cent. And make sure your flake of a husband repays every penny you’ve fronted for him. He’s trying to buy her forgiveness and love with your money.
Post # 3
This is a lot for you considering you have only known the girl a year. First of all you need to have an open conversation with your husband about what he is actually willing to pay for. You should not have gone ahead and put the dress deposit on your credit card if he was “unprepared to pay for it”. What does that even mean?
He should not have offered to pay for his daughters wedding considering they haven’t reunited long and more importantly he doesn’t actually have the money. He needs to figure out how much per month he is prepared to save each month for the wedding and communicate that to his daughter. It shouldn’t be put on you just because he “has a hard time saving money”. That is a bullshit excuse, he is an adult and should be able to save the the things he committed to.
My advice would be completely different if you had joint finances and had agreed together that you wanted to pay for his daughters wedding.
Post # 4
No no no no no. NOPE. Talk to him, lay down boundaries. It’s HIS daughter. His daughter that he only recently reunited with. HE wants to make up for the years HE wasn’t around then HE should be doing so himself. How are you in the picture at all? Sure offering to help out a little, here and there is nice. But there should be boundaries. He should have never offered in the first place, if he had no money. Don’t let him use you.
Post # 5
Only a year and a half in and you’re being hit up for your hard earned cash? Nope, nope, nope bee. Everything about this situation tells me you’re being taken advantage of. If I didn’t know better ( and I don’t) I’d say you’ve been set up by a con.
Post # 6
That is bullshit. So, he has no savings, and no large windfalls of his own coming in (such as a bonus, an inheritance, a tax refund, etc)…why did he offer to pay for the wedding? Did he think that money was just going to magically appear? He sounds irresponsible and entitled.
Also, if he didn’t pay child support when she was a kid, but now wants to fund an expensive, optional party on his new wife’s dime, that tells you all you need to know about this guy’s character (I realize you did not say either way whether he contributed to her financially as a child, I am just throwing out what-ifs).
I think you are well within reason to say, hey, I was happy to kick in for stepdaughter’s wedding dress since you didn’t have the cash and she wanted to buy the dress right away. But that’s the extent that I plan to contribute towards this wedding. If he pouts or hassles you, or in any way punishes you for not paying for his estranged daughter’s wedding (when HE hasn’t kicked in shit), that also tells you all you need to know about this guy.
Post # 7
Oh hell no.
You don’t get to pretend you have no parental responsibilities for over 20 years then all of a sudden offer to pay for your daughter’s wedding and run for dad of the year award expecting your wife to pay for it.
If he has no savings then too bad, he shouldn’t have offered. Don’t put another penny towards this wedding, bee.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY
Absolutely unacceptable. Please don’t drop another penny on this wedding! My mom’s friend is in a similar situation with her fiance. I don’t even want to go to their wedding because I know he just uses her to fund his and his daugther’s lifestyle. This is not okay and you two need to have a real talk about finances. If he chooses to spend his extra money (after bills are taken care of) on this wedding then that’s okay, but he has some nerve expecting you to open your wallet.
Post # 9
Yeah this isn’t nice or respectful of him at all. You should sit down and have a conversation with him. something like, “I am happy to have put down the downpayment on her wedding dress as my contribution to her wedding and as my wedding gift to her. Anything more you would like to spend on her wedding needs to come from you.
Then you gotta step back and let him deal with it. If he doesnt’ save up the money to pay for things for her than so be it. If he doesn’t have follow through you need to let him fail on his own. The other people on here are right though that he is the one who is wanting to pay for her wedding because he is trying to make up for lost time. That has ZERO to do with you.
Any normal person in his daugher’s position would be very grateful that you gifted her a downpayment on her dress as a wedding gift as she must know you aren’t her mom, you have only been married to her dad for a year and a half. She is lucky she has such a generous step mom but no normal person would expect you to do more than that. And just so his daughter knows what is what, if I were you the next time you see her in person, take her aside and just say to her something sweet like, I just wanted to let you know that I am so happy you are including us in your wedding and I would like for your wedding gift to give you the downpayment on your dress. That is coming from me personally. So excited for your special day! That lets his daugher know that the downpayment on the dress is coming out of your personal pocket as your gift to her, which I am sure she will appreciate, and then she will know it came from you and not her dad.
Post # 10
If you have comparable incomes and split the bills then where the hell did all his money go? Why is it on you? I agree with the rest of the responses about how messed up this is. It really does sound like a con. Put the brakes on this money train and protect yourself.
Post # 11
This whole situation sounds sketchy to me.
Why does your husband – who is old enough to have an adult daughter and makes about the same income as you – not have ANY money set aside of his own?? Were you aware of his financial habits when you married? I assume that is why you have largely kept your finances separate, and I would recommend you continue to do so.
I’m with the PP here – don’t put another cent toward this wedding. If he tries to guilt you about it, that tells you a lot more about his character than perhaps you want to see. I would have a hard time respecting a man who makes promises he cannot keep, only to guilt his loved ones into keeping those promises for him. That is not ok.
Post # 12
HELL NO. he needs to let her know that he doesn’t have the money for her wedding. Either he tells her or you do. Don’t pay a penny more.
Post # 13
Hell NO. If he wants to pay for his daughters wedding, HE can pay for it. Especially with finances separate, I’m sorry, but no, I would not be footing that much over for his daughter…. who, I’m sorry, like you said, is pretty much a stranger to him, and even more so to you. Sorry, not sorry if that makes me selffish, but my financial security comes before her wedding.
Post # 14
stepupmom : “So far, he hasn’t put one penny toward this wedding, although I know he will eventually kick in for it.”
Do you? How? Apparently he has a hard time saving money (WTF is that anyway?! He’s an adult!) and likes to over-promise and under-deliver. If he can’t seem to save any money, what hope do you have that he’ll actually be able to pay you back?
Post # 15
Sadly, if OP puts her foot down, I expect a MASSIVE guilt trip will be coming her way from her deadbeat husband claiming if he can’t keep his promise to fund the daughter’s wedding, she’ll hate him and he’ll have no chance of reconciling with her again, and it will be all OP’s fault, and her selfishness will have cost him his relationship with his daughter. Nevermind the fact that he basically abandoned his kid when she was a baby and promised to spend thousands of dollars on her dream wedding when he didn’t have a penny to his name. I hope I am wrong, but the fact that he feels entitled to OP’s tax refund to buy back his daughter’s affection doesn’t make me feel too good about him.