My husband wants me to pay for his daughter’s wedding

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

At the very least he could’ve suggested taking out a loan but noooooo…….it’s straight to OP’s bank account. Yeah the loan idea is bad but so is expecting your wife to pay for an obligation you knew damn well you couldn’t take on.  

Bee you are a sugar mamma.  He doesn’t want to use his funds cause, you know HE’S got his own bills to pay right?  Why should he have to pay out of HIS pocket when you’ve got all that sweet cash just lying around?  Isn’t there a reason your finances are seperate?  Get a clue bee, get a clue.


Post # 17
4971 posts
Honey bee

Oh wow. I’m really getting a bad vibe from your husband. His plan to pay for the wedding is actually YOU paying for the wedding and he can take the credit. What a tool.

Look, you were nice to buy her dress. But it sounds like he’s been a crap father up to this point and it’s going to have to continue since all he can do is make promises that he has no intention of fulfilling. 

Post # 18
2737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

This makes me so mad for you, and I don’t even know you! You need to put your foot down, it’s very generous of you to be willing to contribute and help with the dress but he needs to figure out the rest if he indeed wants to pay for this girls wedding.

ETA If you do agree to contribute more, you should have access to his finances so you can make sure he is in fact saving to either pay you back or contribute directly to the wedding. You’re not his financial advisor, but you say he’s bad with money so I would tell him that you’re going to start looking over his finances to ensure you’re paid back or he gets nothing.

Post # 19
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Your husband: “I’m going to need your tax return to pay for Lori’s caterer.”

You: “I’m sorry, but that money is accounted for. I think we have a miscommunication. While I’m happy that you are reunited with your daughter, I won’t be able to contribute financially to her wedding beyond what I’ve already given for her dress. I’m here for emotional support and I’m excited to be involved in other aspects of the planning.”

Make your boundaries kind, but firm and clear. You don’t need to be conned out of your hard-earned money.

Post # 20
5428 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

 Wanted to add, he was UNPREPARED at the bridal store when his daughter chose the dress? He didn’t know dresses cost money?? He was PREPARED, don’t you worry! He KNEW you were going to pay.

Post # 22
4769 posts
Honey bee

I, too, would like to know how you are so certain he is good for repaying you this money.  Cause so far you have told us…

1) you keep separate finances, so unless you are going into his accounts every month just for kicks he could be hiding a much worse financial picture than you think,

2) he sucks at saving, which is why your debit card is being used in the first place (If he didn’t have it now and doesn’t have the skills to save, how is he going to have it later unless you force him to direct deposit directly into your account from his paycheck like the IRS or the county does for back taxes or child support?)

3) he was an absentee father who now thinks he can buy his daughter’s affection for years of failing to be present or provide for her when she really likely needed it, and 

4) he made a promise to write checks his @ss can’t cash, so right there he is someone who can’t be believed and is not good to his word.

None of those things add up to trustworthy, responsible man who will pay you back.

It is time to sit down and have a good long talk.  If you are going to keep finances separate, then he needs to understand that separate means separate – not separate until you make promises you can’t keep and now you can have my money, too.

If separate finances isn’t working because his irresponsibility creates a hardship on you, then it may be time to rethink that plan and have him no longer be in control of any finances.  Then you can assure that you get your money back, money is being saved, and you talk about major expenditures and are not overcommitting yourselves.  But then you also have to be willing to essentially be a parent to your husband if he isn’t able to be responsible with joint finances, which is not a sexy dynamic or appealing to many people.

Post # 23
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“he was UNPREPARED at the bridal store when his daughter chose the dress? He didn’t know dresses cost money?? He was PREPARED, don’t you worry! He KNEW you were going to pay.”

Exactly. How “prepared” do you have to be to pay for a dress? He couldn’t just pull out his credit card? If he doesn’t have a credit card because of poor credit or is over his limit so that he can’t afford to put a dress deposit on it, then you are in even more trouble.


Post # 24
1683 posts
Bumble bee

Hell. To. The. No.

He was an absentee father then and hes being a mooching partner now to deal with his guilt. That’s his problem. Not yours. Do not give another dime.

Post # 25
12811 posts
Honey Beekeeper

What kind of father has nothing to do with his child all these years? Was he kidnapped by aliens? Suffering from amnesia or in jail? And with the timing of this reunion, let me guess. Were you the incentive for reconnecting? 

Apparently it’s the same kind of father who “just” finds it hard to save, is “unprepared” to follow through, and who expects his new wife to fund a wedding for a relative stranger more lavish than her own without so much as a conversation about it. 

To say it wouldn’t be happening this way is putting it mildly. 

I hope you keep your finances separate and your eyes open. 

Post # 26
5946 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
stepupmom :  Sounds like he’s trying to over compensate for lost time with your money. I’ve been a step mom, too, so I understand you wanting to help out your husband with his kid. But in the case of this wedding with this girl I think you should have and still can have a conversation with him to figure out exactly how much you will help out. And he for sure should put money in! I think he should also give her a particular amount and say, this is what we can afford so do what you can with it. That way she’ll have a set budget. Right now it sounds like there’s no limiting her to what she can spend your money on. Know what I mean?

Post # 27
31 posts
  • Wedding: April 2020

Oh no. Bee. 

I’d tell the daughter what ladyjane123 said, but i’d also sit you husband down and tell him directly what you felt in this situation and that the downpayment for the dress will be your gift, but you won’t pay anything else. If he thinks this is  unreasonable, just show him this thread.

Post # 28
9426 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’d assume you won’t see a penny in repayment…

Post # 29
4672 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
stepupmom :  I’m actually pissed off for you. Put a stop to this BS NOW!

Post # 30
616 posts
Busy bee

No, not happening. Tell your husband to find a way to pay for it out of his own money or be honest with his daughter that he made a promise he couldn’t keep. 

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