(Closed) My husband wants to be a stay at home dad

posted 4 years ago in Finances
Post # 2
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think my first question is, how is your husband now? Does he help out with the kids and things around the house? Does he take initiative to clean something if it needs cleaned or does he wait around for you to do it?

Post # 3
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We are CFBC but joke about him being a house husband/SAHD if it were to happen. IDK if it is right while you are doing your program, but if you will out earn him with your career path then it makes sense. Obviously he should be the one responsible for housework/shopping/cooking, so that should be discussed ahead of time so you wouldn’t worry about it. Not sure how old your kids are, but 6 kids in daycare sounds awful lol.

Post # 4
2549 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You’re breastfeeding. And starting a Master’s program. And he wants you to be the breadwinner, as well…

Has he ever spent any prolonged time with just him & the kids? Say, for a weekend while you were away?  How hands on is he, currently? 

And, is this feasible, financially? 

Post # 5
5985 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the thing is can you afford this?  Many people can’t.  and he needs to undersatnd that he needs to help around the house if he plans on being the one at home and pretty much take care of the kids a lot more (pick up drop off etc.)

Post # 6
1135 posts
Bumble bee

Wait what? Why would being a breadwinner help with a masters program? That will just make it more difficult for you.

Does he currently help with the kids and around the house without you haveing to tell him what to do and when to do it? If not, that doesn’t bode well. Stay at home dads need to have the initiative to know what needs to be done without being directed.

Post # 7
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

A couple questions. First of all, has he spent any significant time alone with the kids? If he’s under the delusion that it’s easier than a stressful job, he may not last long. Second, how’s your job? Are you also getting burned out and are you OK with seeing the kids less and working more?

This has to be a team decision. It sounds a little like he may just be sick of his job and trying to get out at your expense. Although if he has an awful job, I also sympathize with his concern that he’ll be trapped in it for years if you work less. I hope there’s some compromise there.

Post # 8
293 posts
Helper bee

A friend recently did this – but she only has 2 kids and both she and her husband were working outside home. First, they tried to live with her income only, using her husband’s income only to pay for childcare. They could afford it, so her husband took a few months of unpaid leave to see if he could manage childcare and homemaking. They’re quite happy with this arrangement and her husband is planning to leave his job for good.

It doesn’t have to be an overnight change. Maybe a more gradual approach like this one would help you decide?

I don’t understand how being the breadwinner would help you in your Master’s though.

Post # 9
9215 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
theresabow :  my husband and I both work, but we did stack our parental leave to save on daycare and so he was home for about 2 montha after I returned to work. It actually was really great for our relationship because he now understands how hard it is to be home. And I noq understand how hard it is to be working while someone else is home. We both respect SAH parents way more now – it’s freaking hard. 

Post # 10
3258 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You’re going to need to work out the details a bit. He will have to agree to cook and take care of housework, etc. 

My dad was basically a Stay-At-Home Dad, so I don’t really get what the big deal is. It seems normal for me. Just make sure that you both agree that it’s in the best interest of both of you.

Post # 12
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

of course you’re worried you will be stuck with everything, just a few years ago he was staying out all night, going drinking, leaving you home with the kids not knowing what was going on.

frankly, it’s great that you are bettering your circumstances with your masters, but it would be very unwise to think he was going to become a new person if left home alone to care for the kids.

I would tell him we can readdress that once you are done breastfeeding, provided he pick one day a week to be in charge of caring for the kids now and consistently does it.

glad to hear he has changed his ways! 

Post # 13
8067 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well, how is he now?  Does he help out and do things without you having to ask? Have you left them all alone with him before for a weekend or something?  How did it go?  Does he clean on his own and cook without you having to remind him?  If he doesn’t take initiative already I would be weary of him being a Stay-At-Home Dad.

Also, if you only work part time and are starting a masters program- do you make enough for him to quit his job? Or would this be in a few years once you are making more? 

If you’re already worried about working fulltime and then being stuck with all of the housework I’m not sure I’d consider it.  Granted, the children should be the primary focus during the day (and cleaning done only when possible) so the fulltime working parent would still be helping with kids and cleaning on evenings/weekends but you shouldn’t be doing all of it while he takes nights and weekends off…

Post # 14
8067 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
BalletParker :  I remember this too which makes me weary here.  Not sure what/if changes have been made.

I would probably readdress it in a few years once you have actually completed school and are no longer breastfeeding.

Post # 15
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
theresabow :  ok, so its not that you’d be the breadwinner WHILE in your masters program, but after.

Well, that gives you guys a lot of time to figure things out.  Agree with bees that suggest letting him take care of the kids while you go away for a long weekend, maybe a few times, so he can be sure this is really what he wants.

I get hating your job, but that doesn’t mean the alternatives are as rosey as he may think.  We all do it, grass is greener and all.. but sometimes it really isn’t.  

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