Post # 1
It has been such a long time since I have been here. I used to come long after my wedding was said and done just to see what everyone else was up to. But life takes over and time becomes limited. I finally thought I had it figured out and things were all moving in the right direction. It has been a major struggle. To sum things up, I married my person. He has been my person for 9 years. We have been married for 4.5 years. After having had a bad accident and being stuck at home for 2 of those years, I was finally able to get out and landed my dream job. We have an appointment with the bank next week to discuss a home loan.
But yesterday, he told me that he wants a divorce. He said he is no longer in love with me and no longer attracted to me. He wants to be friends, but he wants to be alone. I am angry and hurt. I feel alone. Absolutely alone. And I don’t know what to do with myself. I am not a person who shares personal things and who cries to others. But I have found myself doing this and it makes the heartbreak even worse because my pride is taking punches as well. I am so vulnerable and life is still happening around me. I had yesterday and today off of work, but tomorrow I have to go back. And how will I be when I am crying in front of all of my colleagues and can’t speak to my clients?
What do you do when your person is the one who is causing you such pain and all you want to do is throw yourself into their arms? And you can’t? I know I am loving and worthy of love. I know that I can and will move on at some point. But for now…right now…all I feel are these overwhelming emotions which I can’t turn off. I can’t get outside of myself and I can’t deal with not being able to stand being around him while also wanting nothing but to be close to him. It’s too much.
My family are all in another country. My oldest friends are there as well. My new friends which are only mine are all in other cities. I have only him and his family, his friends…and while I love them and I have gone to them, I cannot stop this feeling. This is my home, but I am so out of place.
Post # 2
Wow, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through something like this alone. Could you possibly take a break and go visit your friends or family in your country? I think you really need that support at this time. How about video-chatting at least? I think if possible, a short break from everything could really help. Hope you feel well. :\
Post # 3
soontobebe : I am so sorry. I second taking some personal time and visiting your family and your friends. They are your people, too! You have people that love you and you need to be around them and take care of yourself right now.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
soontobebe : I know you feel alone, but you are not. There are people who care about you no matter where in the world they are. If you are able to I think PPs both make a great point by saying maybe you should take a trip to see your family and oldest friends. Their comfort and support will be a wonderful thing to have. If it is not feasible to go there, try skype! I think maybe a therapist would be good to talk to as well. *hugs*
Post # 5
I’m so sorry bee.
I also think getting in touch with your friends from home and talking to them will be very beneficial. Contact the person who makes you feel most comfortable.
Maybe work right now isn’t the worst thing, perhaps it will let you think about other things cause had I stayed at home I’d be thinking about it nonstop – like a loop – making myself feel worse and worse.
Post # 6
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, I can only imagine how painful it must be. I think focusing on work and being with friends and some therapy will go a long way towards helping weather the worst of the pain.
Post # 7
Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I am reaching out to friends and trying to keep an open mind about what the future may hold.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
FUCK THAT GUY.
I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but eventually you’ll get to the stage where you too say the same thing. When you get there, know i’m with you throwing the middle finger at him in spirit.
Post # 9
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have expressed your situation and your hurts so eloquently and my heart is breaking for you. As another person said above, please know that you are not alone. Ever. And you are strong.
Is there any chance your husband would consider counseling? What he said seems pretty concrete, but have you asked? Regardless, counseling might help for you without him. Also, some areas have support groups for people going through divorce/separation and I know people who have been helped by visiting one of those.
Your job can be a great distraction and outlet for you apart from emotions, so it’s good you have that. Get a journal and write what you can’t tell to just everybody. You’ll allow yourself to feel what you feel, formulate and convey your thoughts, and do so in a safe way. You need to keep getting this stuff out some way so that it doesn’t come out at inappropriate times and in the wrong places.
Reach out to your family and closest friends, even if you can’t see them. Those who care about you will be there for you and you need their support.
Be nice to yourself. Remember you are loved. No matter what happens, you will be ok. You will get through this.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry bee. *hugs*
I’m so upset he doesn’t even want to try: that he blindsided you straight with divorce, rather than letting you know when he realized he wasn’t in love anymore, so you could work on it.
This reminds me of an interview I heard/red a while back (can’t remember how I heard of it). There was this little old married couple that had been together for a very long time. When asked the secret to the longevity of their marriage, the little old man said: “We never fell out of love at the same time.” Implicitly, his real advice hidden in there, was to understand that people do fall in and out of love with each other–the secret is to be willing to work through it together.
Post # 11
soontobebe : Wow, that’s heavy. Unfortunately you really are stuck. He’s said he isn’t in love with you anymore and there really isn’t anything you can do to change that. There’s no compromise to be made here. It sounds like this came out of the blue — can you talk to him rationally and see where this has come from? If you have a level headed conversation with him to see how he got to this point that may help with closure and figuring out the best next step. Divorce is huge; maybe start with a trial separation and see where you are both at after 6 months.
That being said I wouldn’t count on him changing his mind. It sounds like he has it pretty much made up. As hard as it is, walking away may be the best option. I would see if your friends and family could either visit you or you go visit them. Lean on them. You will need it.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
slomotion : +1
btw I love the raw honesty in all of your posts!
Post # 13
Just want to say sorry and validate that nothing you are feeling right now is wrong. Absolutely grieve, and realize that your married years were not wasted or a failure. You lived, you loved, you learned, you took a risk. That’s what life is all about. Simply a new chapter opening up for you.
Post # 14
So sorry, Bee. I’m really annoyed for you – I hate that he said he wants to be friends but be alone. Bullshit. He wants to not be married so he can see other women and only wants to be friends so he doens’t feel like the bad guy. Please take time for yourself and rely on friends and family. Definitely take a trip to see them. And remember to get your own divorce lawyer.
Post # 15
Saying he wants a divorce but stlll wants to be be friends is in the same bs territory as him telling you he has met someone else – and he thinks you’d love her if you met her. Don’t be caught by that stuff , as a pp said, he wants to break up but not be the bad guy – and not be given too much of a hard time by you. He’ll probably tell you he can’t bear to see you cry soon, and in any attempted discussion will say piteously ” what do you want me to saaaay “?
In such a situation I would tend ( have done it and it helped no end) to not show him how much I was hurt and not ever beg, plead, or anything remotely resembling that . Fake not caring till you really do not care ( much) . Calm, even cold conversations about how to split up goods and chattels will stiffen your spine -and , bonus, take the wind right out of his self righteous sails .
I wish you the very best of luck – so painful OP, so painful !