Post # 61
I vote to get the maid, in the interest of your own well being and knowing that certain things are being cared for.
However, as many people have already posted, that doesn’t address the fact that your husband sits on his ass while you cook and clean- that would be unacceptable for me. I once had a roommate who was a slob and would put plates full of food into the sink (where we did not have a dishwasher or a garbage disposal) and then just ignore them, as though magic sink fairies would just come and carry them away. When I spoke to her about it, she had the nerve to tell me “I know I need to clean up after myself. I just don’t feel like it.” She wasn’t my roommate (or my friend) for much longer after that.
I firmly believe that part of the process of living indoors and sharing space with other people is that we all contribute to the upkeep of the household. Only babies and invalids are exempt and I’ll even give those two groups managable tasks to do. It’s not at all fair that both of you are working full time and only he is getting time to sit down and relax.
Another solution could be that he gets a set amount of time to relax after work (so he can decompress somewhat) and then he has to get up and do the washing or something. Otherwise, I’d be leaving him to fend for himself with his meals- just as he is currently leaving you to do with the preparation of them and the clean up afterward.
Post # 62
turath90 : getting a cleaner to clean once a week still won’t resolve the issues you have with your husband not pulling physical weight in regards to household chores. You still have odds and ends jobs that arise in a house even if the brunt of it gets done weekly. It sounds like that will still fall on you to do because your husband won’t do it. Your load will be less but it still sounds like your husbands load will be empty and you will feel resentful even with a weekly cleaner. He also sounds like he will feel the need to put in less effort in regards to house chores because now you have a ‘maid’.
Honestly the weekly cleaner will lessen your workload but it won’t take away from the fact that your husband won’t help you do the other smaller tasks required to keep a house cleaned, organised and maintained. Even if you end up with a maid and a dishwasher, someone still needs to load a dishwasher, turn it on and put the dishes away and my bet is it will still end up being you…
Get a cleaner but you still need to sit down and talk out your frustration with your husband. If he insists on being child-like in his approach to adult tasks like cleaning, maybe a chore chart with assigned tasks should be drawn up and utilized.
I also think its really wrong of him to expect you to work full time, cook dinner and not even help wash dishes and clean up. That’s crap and he is treating you like the maid service he had at home growing up except its not your job and nobody is paying you to do it… 😡
Post # 63
Thank you everyone who replied! I did not expect this many people to comment to be honest, but it was really wonderful to be able to hear such different perspectives on my situation. It helped me to see it from a lot of angles. It seems that by and large people think I should get a weekly maid. You have me convinced lol especially those of you that said you got a maid and it was the best money you ever spent. I guess I have nothing to lose by trying it out at least for a couple weeks. Some of you said that getting a maid won’t change anything…I disagree with that statement. I agree that it won’t change everything but it will change some things. It will at least remove all the super heavy chores (dusting, vacuuming and cleaning floors), which I hate doing yet get anxious if they aren’t done. I had a conversation with my husband about the dishes last night and how after we get a weekly maid there are still certain chores to be done. The conversation didn’t go so well but it wasn’t horrible either. I probably shouldn’t have brought it up right when he got home from work. He’s a lawyer and has a really high stress job and works longer hours than me (about 2 hours more per day), so he is really exhausted when he gets home. I know his job is much more stressful and time consuming than mine which is why I don’t mind taking on more chores than him at home, but I tried to make him understand that it’s not fair for me to take on all of them, and he needs to help with the dishes because I spend so much time cooking. The thing is, when I said that, he said that he never asked me to cook, and if it’s such a burden on me we can get a live in maid to do everything (in the country where we live it’s very common, almost all our friends have live in maids), but I absolutely refused. He said it’s unfair to expect him to do the dishes when I cook because he never asked me to cook, and on the days where I don’t feel like it we always go out to eat. Basically he said if we follow that same direction, I would have the upper hand because I choose the days that I cook whereas he wouldn’t get to choose the days where he washed the dishes since they would be dependent on the days I choose to cook. He said he’s not saying he won’t ever do the dishes but that he’ll do them “when he can,” just like he doesn’t expect me to cook when I don’t feel like it. I see the point, but it still doesn’t change the fact that the dishes need to get done and if you don’t feel like it and I don’t then who will do them? Why is the default that I do them if he doesn’t feel like it? We need to come up with a system, but I’m not sure how to do it honestly. He said he’s not opposed to cooking once in a while, but I know that those days we’ll only eat pasta and canned tomato sauce so I’m not too keen on the idea. Plus he finishes work later and so we’d have to wait longer to eat, it’s just not efficient. And on the weekends we usually eat out.
For those of you that are saying that my husband sounds like a real jerk/slob/whatever, just know that this is really his only major flaw that I can think of and he is otherwise an incredible man that I wouldn’t give up for anything. He gives me a back/head massage almost every morning and sometimes before bed too (without me asking), he tells me constantly how much he loves and appreciates me and tells me I’m beautiful more times than I can count throughout the day. He literally never criticizes me about anything although I’m sure I have faults as well. He never raises his voice when we have disagreements and is always ready to say he’s sorry if I’m upset even though he never starts arguments with me (I usually will start them about nagging about chores or something else). He is basically a sensitve romantic, let’s not argue and make peace kind of person. He often goes grocery shopping without me as he has the car for work, so he will pick up anything we need after work. He is so good to his parents and siblings. Anyway, the list could go on… Nobody is perfect and like I said this is his only major flaw. That doesn’t excuse it, but it also doesn’t make him a horrible person because of it. We just need to find a way to work out the daily chores, which hopefully we will do 🙂
Post # 64
turath90 : Sorry but his reasoning is off about dishes and workloads is completely off.
I’d start by going on strike in regards to his side of things. Only make your half of the bed, cook only a meal for yourself, wash only your clothes. I’d also lock away toilet rolls only for my use and keep the toilet roll holder empty. He can work out how to wipe his dirty shitty ass ‘when he can or feels like it’!!!! When he asks why you didn’t cook dinner for him or provide toilet paper. I’d tell him you will when you want to and feel like it and that you were sure he wouldn’t mind because it seemed perfectly OK for him to do things when he wants to and feels like it….
‘His logic is f*cked TBH and lazy. My husband does everything your husband does in regards to all the nice things you listed and he does dishes and cleans up after himself. You can get a live in full time maid but it won’t solve this poor behaviour on his part. My question is will his answer be to outsource child rearing when you realise he’s exactly the same about hands on parenting and won’t help you look after the day to day physical stuff that you need to raise a child??
Seriously his answer and manipulation is diabolical in regards to your valid frustration!!! I’m angry for you! Put your foot down and don’t let this go because it won’t get better no matter how much help he tells you to outsource! He is essentially saying his needs and desires are more important than yours and the health of your relationship!!
Post # 65
turath90 : OK, so I see both sides here. I do actually think that if someone is working longer hours, they should do proportionately less housework than the person working less hours. So, if he is working 10 hours more than you per week, you do 10 hours of housework (inc cooking), and then anything beyond that is split equally. At peak times in my job I work 7am-6/7pm without a break, and my husband works 8am-4.30pm with a break; there is no way that I would be prepared to split household chores evenly when I’m working considerably longer hours, that is unreasonable IMO.
On the other hand, his logic re dinner is rdiciulous. The fact is that he still happily eats what you prepare, plus honestly, how practical is it to dine out every night (not just financially but also in terms of time (sorry, but I like to be bale to relax at home in my PJs in front of the TV, not sit in a restaurant for an hour plus), and health (don’t know about anyone else but I eat a LOT healthier at home than I do dining in restaurants).
I had a major battle with my OH about this not so long ago; I was doing all the cooking and clearing up after, plus 90% of the laundry (when he generates probably 70% of it), plus making/changing the bed (I’m not even bothered about a made bed, he is, yet whenever he’s last up he NEVER makes it; but woe betide me if I don’t…). So, I actually sat down and worked out just how many hours I was spending on household tasks, on top of working longer hours. I then told him he had to do EVERYTHING for 6 weeks, to get a taste of it. I barely lifted a finger during that time, and just put on a couple of loads of laundry which was what he might do in the same time frame.
He soon realised how much I was doing and we now split things fairly equally, though I’m still doing the lion’s share and so it is still far from perfect and will need addressing again. I would suggest you either do something similar with your husband, or else you just do your own dinner/laundry and leave it at that. When he wonders why he has no clean socks, ask him if he’s washed any recently.
Good luck. I feel your pain.
Post # 66
I’m dreaming of the day when my husband suggests getting a maid!!
If we could afford it, I would love to have someone to just help take care of the deep cleaning. The way I see it is that it’s something that always hangs over my head, and Darling Husband and I spend one day each weekend cleaning our house when we could be spending quality time together. It’s a no brainier to me.
Post # 67
- Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College
I can’t wait until my fiance moves in, and we can afford to have someone come in every other week to do the cleaning I HATE to do. Right now, my house is mid-construction, and there’s not much point with everything stacked everywhere, but you can bet that I don’t want to be the one always doing the cleaning since I know my fiance will not be into it. I’m heading this giant fight off at the pass!
Post # 68
turath90 : I think getting a maid is a good compromise, and even if you do end up doing more day to day chores, you won’t feel the pressure of doing any exta stuff or deep clean. And I think the bee is generally is way to harsh of not “tolerating” any flaws in relationships and the general advice is leave or it is soo horrible, your SO is so horrible over the smallest things. WHile it is def a flaw of your Darling Husband, I don’t think it is that huge of a deal, and from what you wrote, he makes up for it in other areas and is a good guy overall who loves and cares about you. So def get a maid and enjoy more quality time together. Also, for busy couples, there is nothing wrong with uber eats vs cooking dinner if that is what you want to do. You make the money, you choose how to spend it. I read an article in NY times that said study found people are most happy when they outsoure all the household help and at least 3 items (so for example cleaning lady, take out vs. cooking, lawn service). Nothing wrong with that. You are not a better “adult” just because you clean, cook or mow the lawn – if you have the finances to outsource it, go for it.
Post # 69
turath90 : Lol, you should make your way over to the emotional labor thread. We are having a debate about this very issue, discussed in this article http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/. I totally get where you’re coming from and agree that your husband is being unreasonable, while also agreeing that this is not in itself a reason to “run for the hills.”
We have a similar dynamic in that my husband works more hours than I do, has a much more stressful job etc., and so I’m happy to take on more of the household management stuff than he does. That said I don’t feel it’s fair to take on 100% of it, which is pretty much how it works now. It’s not like I’m a stay at home wife – I also have a job. I just wish we could be more equal partners when it came to the day to day job of running the household.
Post # 70
It’s funny you said your husband is a lawyer. I was going to ask you if you are a lawyer, because you are very thoughtful and write very well.
Post # 71
I get his point actually. I’d be a little upset if I came home from work and my husband said “Hey I felt like gardening, now you have to mop the floors cause I got them all dirty when I came inside”. I mean, yes, you are cooking for him, but you’re also creating more work for him too.
I do think there has to be a compromise somewhere in the middle, but it sounds like both of you have valid concerns which makes it harder!
Post # 72
My Darling Husband is also tasked with doing dishes. I only cook a few times per week and he still doesn’t get them done the same night. Sometimes we have dirty dishes and pots in the sink for like 2-3 days. It bothers me but I’ve learned to live with it. Might be the same way for you guys.
Do you know about Instant Pot? You can basically cook everything in one container, like saute vegetables, high pressure cook the meat, etc. Which means only one thing to wash, lol. Besides trying to save time on cooking simpler, larger meals to save for later, I got the Instant Pot because I knew my Darling Husband would be into the one pot to wash thing.
Post # 73
I’m in a similar situation. My husband owns a business and works 60 hour weeks year round, I have a solid 40 hour work week and make less than half as much as he does. As a result I do all of the house work, bill paying, yard work etc. His job is significantly more stressful than mine and I like making his life easier. We just got a weekly cleaner and it is life changing. It means that we can spend more time together on the weekend and or house is always ready to entertain. I don’t mind doing the daily maintenance bc he is usually working while I do it. I would never expect him to work a 10 hour day and then come home and clean. He doesn’t expect that of me either, I just like having less clutter and clean dishes. This works for us but ymmv.
Post # 74
Can you come up with set days that you agree you will dine in vs. eat out? That way you’re not “deciding” that you’re going to cook and making him clean it up. Rather, you’ve both agreed that Mondays-Thursdays you cook and he does dishes, and Friday-Sunday you eat out (or whatever works for you guys).
Post # 75
Hmm, it sounds like he just doesn’t think that doing chores should be part of his house duties and that a live-in maid should do them. And that if you don’t want a live-in maid, then it’s your problem and you should do all the chores. That seems very different from your worldview. I think this will be the crux of your problem.