(Closed) My husband watches porn while I'm at home

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Beesatts:  I don’t think you’re being unreasonable by being upset. You made your wishes clear and he went against them. However, unless you’re sharing phones, he probably wasn’t trying to hurt you. Ignorant bliss, you know? It would bother me more that he lied about it than the act itself. Also, men can be kinda ignorant. I don’t know how many times I’ve told Fiance that I don’t like it when he pokes my stomache because it makes me insecure about my weight. His response is generally along the lines of, “but it’s so much fun! And you’re cute when you’re mad.” I really don’t think your husband meant anything by it. The mood probably struck so he felt the need to handle it in private. Definitely could’ve asked for your help first, though 😉

Post # 4
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Beesatts:  First off, most men induldge in porn here and there. IMO there is nothing wrong with that UNLESS, it starts to replace the intimacy in your relationship. men are visual creatures. I think you may be over reacting a bit.

 Sounds like you recently got married. have you lived together before getting married?  The old saying “you never really KNOW someone until you live with them” is soo true!  I would relax bit it if you can.  He probably is used to his privacy (premarital days).  

Post # 6
Member
9668 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I would be upset too, you were home why couldn’t he come to you?! And he had agreed to not watch porn when you’re home too. And like you said you have no problem with porn, and are fine with him watching it when you’re not home. 

Post # 7
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Beesatts:  Then that’s definitely a problem. Have you talked to him about coming to you first?

Post # 8
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

I can see that you are upset.

My Fiance looks at a lot of porn pictures. I get mad at first because I think he finds them attractive and would rather look at them. But then after a few moments, It’s just porn. These girls aren’t really in his life. They aren’t sitting in front of him. He isn’t cheating on me. It’s just porn. This is something I have to keep telling myself in order for me to get over it. I know he loves me. He’s with ME, he has sex with ME, he goes to bed with ME at the end of the night.  That’s all that matters.  

That’s all the advice I can give you. Men are men. This is in their nature. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but some men are just like this. They love looking at it.  Women can’t understand why, but they just do. This is something we just need to get over.  

All you can do is talk to him again and both of you need to come to some kind of understanding and agreement to limitations with the porn.  

Post # 9
Member
9668 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@jmaze:  @Birdi:  Sorry I know I should leave this to the OP, but in her original post she SAID she had no problems with porn, and they discussed it and she said she didn’t mind him watching it when he wasn’t home, and he agreed. So just clarifying, you seem to think OP has a problem with porn in general and hasn’t discussed it with her husband

Post # 10
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m probably not in the popular opinion here, but I actually do not think guys need to watch porn.  My SO stoped after we began dating, and that has been the case for several of my friends, too.

And for many men who do, it is just an occasional thing. If you guys are newly weds and he already is looking at porn so frequently that he needs to be in the bathroom getting a fix (and then quite possibly lying about it), that sounds a lot closer to addiction than the norm.  You are right there at home – why can’t he come to you? This sounds like he kind of would prefer to look at other women than enjoy the sex life available right in front of him. 

But the most problematic of what is going on here is perhaps that you already told him you don’t like it happening around you, and he’s still doing it. That means that either he doesn’t care that it bothers you, or he does care but is so addicted that he can’t resist.

I agree with what someone else said – since the watching porn in itself doesn’t bother you, you two should sit down and talk about what limitations you want on it and on which you can both agree.  If he breaks those after a discussion, you have some problems, and can address those further with counseling or whatever else you feel is best.

Post # 11
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

@Jacqui90  Thanks for your input, but I WAS giving advice because she asked for advice

As I stated: “All you can do is talk to him again and both of you need to come to some kind of understanding and agreement to limitations with the porn.”  

Post # 12
Member
9668 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@jmaze:  Yeah, I understand that, just trying to help, I thought you misread the OP, sorry 🙂

Post # 13
Member
5220 posts
Bee Keeper

First thing,  try to calm down before approaching him about it. Being highly emotional will just cause him to either get defensive or say whatever is necessary to get you to calm down. If you really want to get to the issue, talk rationally and address the problem,   which sounds more like a lack of intimacy as newlyweds and not necessarily his porn habits. The lying about it is an issue,  but so is snatching his phone for ” proof”   

It may be an uncomfortable topic or conversation for you, but I would address the overall intimacy issues and discuss building trust between the two of you in that department. 

 

Post # 14
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m probably in the minority here but I don’t really see why it matters.  I get where you’re coming from – and it’s not cool that he has gone against your wishes, especially if he agreed to it.  However, the whole argument, if you’re home why doesn’t he come to you first is kind of moot point to me – there’s  a big difference between a quick selfie sesh and sex.  If you are both happy with your sex life together, then the rest of it shouldn’t matter, if you’re not then that’s a different story and something that needs to be addressed by both of you.

Post # 15
Member
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsWBS: +1

 

@Beesatts:  Something that my Fiance told me once is that when he watches porn, he doesn’t really care who is in it, it’s just the act.  Your feelings of inadequacy really has more to do with you, your self esteem and your insecurities.  If you learn to love yourself more, these things won’t bother you as much.  Your husband married you, not these other women, so you have no reason to feel like there is any competition with them.

 

Post # 16
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I, personally, have no problem with porn unless it affects our intimacy. 

If I’m not home, asleep, or not in the mood, I don’t mind him going to porn.  However, I would have an issue if I never felt like he picked the porn over me. 

I’d recommend that you express your concerns.  Tell him to come to you first, so you feel like the priority.  Then, if you aren’t in the mood, he can head to the bathroom. 

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