My husband won't take time off for our first anniversary– am I overreacting?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2771 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

It’s not my first anniversary, but my 13th is the end of this month. Hubby had an opportunity to go somewhere with one of the owners of his company for our anniversary weekend. He will NEVER take time off either to do anything, so it does hurt a little. 

We don’t make a big deal out of milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother’s Day, fathers day etc. but I honestly downplay it so I don’t come across like a spoiled brat. 

Ill get over it eventually, but I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes. I mean, were there NO OTHER weekends he could go play golf? Im also on the train of thought that it doesn’t have to be celebrated ON THE day, but what’s the likelihood he can or will take another weekend off to go somewhere with you? 

Personally, I wouldn’t overreact, but my feelings would be hurt. I’m a big baby when it comes to stuff like that though, lol! 

Post # 32
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I think you should be upset, but that he likely just didn’t think about it. I would communicate to him your disappointment, and suggest that maybe you take the third day, the one right before your anniversary, and spend it together vs him with his golf buddies.

Post # 33
Member
7399 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’d be annoyed even if this didn’t take place over our anniversary! He just up and booked an out of town vacay that doesn’t include you without even discussing it with you first? And he’s got super limited vacation time on top of it? That would not fly with me. The fact that it’s on your anniversary is pouring salt in the wound.

Post # 34
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee

My Darling Husband literally just said to me this last weekend, “Andrew is asking around about dates for Mike’s bachelor party and they were looking at the weekend of our wedding anniversary and I just texted back that I would 100% be OUT if they chose that weekend.”

Our first wedding anniversary is still 3 months away and I realized I hadn’t even given any thought to what I wanted to do or IF I even wanted to do anything for it. But the fact that my HUSBAND cared, and thought *I* would care, and went out of his way to try to keep that weekend clear for us made all the difference to me. It’s little things like this that reassure me we will have a healthy  marriage.

It might not be mature, but I would 100% raise holy hell if he pulled something like your partner is pulling. I would feel so hurt and disregarded. Darling Husband and I come first in each other’s lives. I would not feel like I came first if he pulled something like this. 

Hell, I would even be ok if he approached me weeks/months ahead of time, explained the situation, asked if it was ok if he did this other thing, but already had plans for how he would “make it up to me” – as a way of showing me I still come first. I’m definitely not the person who thinks the anniversary has to be celebrated ON the exact day. I would be ok with moving the celebration to accomodate something Darling Husband really wanted to do.

But to not even ask me? To not even hesitate? And to not spare a thought for if it would make me feel loved or not? I would be extrememly disappointed and hurt.

Post # 35
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

He wants you to drive there? Is he insane? He could at least have a nice car take you, the cheap bastard. 

If they mess up the first anniversary, they will probably mess up the second. You’ve shown them they can get away with it. I was stupid and waited to leave until after the second. I say cut your losses now. 

Post # 36
Member
8926 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I wouldn’t give a crap about the anniversary thing, but dh and I aren’t the type to make a big thing about anniversaries. I would be upset that he’s using up 3 precious vacation days without even talking to you about it first.

Post # 37
Member
430 posts
Helper bee

henryetta :  it’s a little rash to divorce someone over how much effort they put into celebrating an anniversary don’t you think? He may have many redeeming qualities. OP should have a frank discussion with him and maybe they can do couples counseling before heading to divorce 

Post # 38
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

feedthebeags :  i hear ya, but something about the “you can drive down and pick me up” just rubbed me the wrong way! I think this falls into the category of, “when people tell you who they are, believe them.” Is this something a romantic movie hero would say? On a scale of 1 to 10…

Post # 39
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think it’s a basic communication issue. Although it seems obvious to us that one would plan and celebrate something for a one year anniversary since you have never celebrated anniversaries he may have thought a nice dinner was doing something.

If you would like something more rather than stewing and being upset tell him, “ I know we haven’t celebrated anniversaries and I wasn’t expecting to feel this way, but I really do want us to make a big deal of our wedding anniversary and I know you took of work for golf but I’d really like us to do something more than dinner.” Then suggest what you would like! If the actual day is important tell him, if you just want recognition and to celebration or go on a weekend getaway no matter the date tell him! 

He isn’t a mind reader. If he was hoping you would plan something you would want him to tell you and not stew and be upset and build up in his mind that you obviously don’t care. Extend the same curtesy to him and communicate! 

Post # 40
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I would be furious. I would tell I was furious and I would not drop it until he prioritized me. I would also stop doing the daily things I do for him (making breakfast/dinner/packing his lunch/ folding his clothes etc). If you care about special occasions (and you do bc otherwise this thread wouldn’t exist) then he needs to know that and make sure your needs are taken care of and than you feel special. You have to tell him though, he’s not a mind reader. No way would I be driving up there just to be treated as an afterthought because that’s what he’s doing, no two ways about it 

Side note my husband would not take time off work and make plans with his buddies without running it by me (and vice a versa). That kinda points to him not making you a priority too.

Post # 41
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

yellowbell :  I’m with you .Every time I’m told to calm down or chill I’m like NO you need to validate my feelings and acknowledge that I have a reason to be upset because I didn’t just randomly decide I’m going to upset today

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