(Closed) My husband's bad hygiene is driving me away – Divorce, Seperate, or Endure?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Would you stay or Divorce?

    Stay- work on it, try to endure and hope for change

    Divorce- Got to get out!

  • Post # 2
    Member
    289 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Have you tried couples therapy? This is a tough one as no one wants to hear “you are too gross to have sex with”. But at the same time who wants to have sex with a stinky dirty person! 

    It’s odd and totally unfair that he is crabby about cleaning up after himself though. That should be easy for him to understand.

    Was he unhygenic like this before the wedding? Has something changed recently? More stressful job or depressed perhaps?

    Post # 3
    Member
    1754 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    soleil200:  I had my mind made up after reading the fact that he continually leaves POOP all over the bathroom and refuses to stop, or clean it.

    I did read the rest, though. 

    Leave this dude. He seems so unwilling to even follow basic hygiene to the point of being unwell (like with fungus on his hands?!). He also clearly doesn’t respect you at all. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    It sounds like he’s made up his mind that ‘you have nothing to offer him’ so I don’t see how this is something that you can work through – he’s too unwilling based on what you’ve said.

    Post # 6
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    ok the poop is just beyond disgusting. sorry you’re going through this. Maybe do a trial separation? do you have someone you can stay with for a few weeks?

    Post # 7
    Member
    4091 posts
    Honey bee

    You absolutly deserve better than you are getting. If he isn’t motivated to address these issues now then he never will be. The basic lack of consideration for you is unacceptable.  Move on now. If that motivates him to lift his act then well and good, but if not then you haven’t lost much at all.

    Post # 8
    Member
    588 posts
    Busy bee

    I agree that therapy is needed—can you also maybe just make the doctors appointment to address the health concerns and say that its an important thing for both of you to take care of if he would like an intimate relationship with you. It might not be a bad thing to refuse sex with him until you both see the doctor about it. Let him know you know about the porn addiction and if its a line in the sand, that you both need counseling about it.

    Assuming you’re still attracted to him…..could you talk him into taking showers with you? Like invite him for intimate time in the shower (you don’t have to do the deed all the way, but like soaping him up and letting him soap you up could be some good “clean” fun). Its kind of tricky but hey—if its motivation its motivation!

    You’re a much stronger person than I am though—poop ON the toilet??? Like not even IN the toilet?? How is he managing that one??

    Edit: If he is truly depressed, you need to set a doctors appointment and get him there. With the dirty clothes, is there a way you could do laundry more frequently so the temptation is not there? Or even take the dirty clothes and put them down the hall “to be washed” so thats not as convient for him. If you know about what size he is, maybe buy him a new dress shirt? (if he doesn’t like it or it doesn’t fit just keep the tags and return for another size or something). 

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Profile Photo kitkatkels.
    Post # 9
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 1993

    Wow! Leave!

    Post # 10
    Member
    47439 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would insist he do two things:

    -see his GP

    -see a therapist- psychologist, psychiatrist

    He may have a mental health issue that needs to be addressed. In the meantime, I would separate.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I don’t see what gaining weight has to do with it. 

    My Fiance has put on close to 40lbs since we’ve been together and even though he is miserable about it, he still showers, does his laundry and manages to use the toilet properly. 

    He seems completely unconcerned with his own health and wellbeing. 

    I agree with julies1949 ^

    Post # 11
    Member
    3107 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

    Are you saying he’s pooping on the floor and stuff? I mean the other things I guess I could kind of understand how he could let himself go and not realize but he would have to go out of his way to poop outside the toilet. ???

    Post # 13
    Member
    1739 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    Does he know that you’re at the point of leaving him if he doesn’t change?  If not, I would have a “come to Jesus” talk and explain that to him.  Perhaps that will convince him that you’re really serious when you tell him that these things are issues.  

    If he does know your status, or if you tell him and he still doesn’t address the issues, then I would leave.  I don’t say that lightly, but you should not have to live like that — sex is an important part of marriage, and taking care yourself shows that you value yourself and your partner.  If he can’t hold up his end of these things, then you need to find someone who can.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2170 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If he is unable to accept responsibility for his actions, nothing can be done. This is really sad, op, I’m sorry. Sound like you have really tried everything but when he won’t admit he has issues, continues to disrespect you, and will go to counseling only to not to anything differently, he DOESN”T respect you or himself it sounds like. 

    I say go to counseling for yourself to help sort through all of this and separate. Its only hurting you at this point and you deserve so much better!!! If he is depressed, he has to realize it, accept it, and do what is right for him to get better. You can’t fix it for him. Maybe if you moved out for awhile, it would wake him up a little bit. 

    Good luck, op. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    834 posts
    Busy bee

    I would not tolerate any of that, in any form. It sounds like he has a very bad form of depression and takes it out on himself, his body, and you. Firstly, his obesity will present major health problems, including costly healthcare, possible weight loss surgeries, and or future heart attack/strokes. Are you prepared for that emotionally and financially? 

    His hygiene, which really is the smallest of his problems, is probably the most glaringly obvious. What is your quality of life like when you have to go to the doctor for vaginitis after having sex with your husband?  

    He has shown no concern for you, your happiness, your home, your mental health, none of it. All that matters to him is him. Leave, as fast as you can and never look back. You deserve so much more, and you know it. Even if you were the world’s worst wife (which you most definitely are not) you STILL would deserve better than what he gives you. 

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