(Closed) My husband's bad hygiene is driving me away – Divorce, Seperate, or Endure?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Would you stay or Divorce?

    Stay- work on it, try to endure and hope for change

    Divorce- Got to get out!

  • Post # 136
    Member
    5217 posts
    Bee Keeper

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    soleil200:  OP, I am so sorry this is happening! The worst part of this whole story to me is that it’s a modifiable issue, and he refuses to change! Like, if he would just clean up his act and put down the porn, you could be happy.

    Honestly, as another Christian, I understand your struggle with the thought of ending your marriage. The porn issue would be a definite deal breaker for me, as I would consider that a type of infidelity(no offense to other bees. I know many couples enjoy porn or don’t care about porn use. No judgement here, I’m speaking one Christian to another). He sounds like he has a porn addiction. That would be enough to justify separating, if not out right divorce IMO. I would not live with that. 

    I don’t even know what to tell you about his hygiene :/ That has to be something he wants to change or care about. Would he let you take him to a dermatologist? I find it ridiculous you even have to deal with that. Yeah, it’s only an issue for you. No one else has to live with it! Girl, you are better than me. I would not have moved forward with marriage after seeing those feet.

    Post # 137
    Member
    715 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

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    anonladygrace:  choose to be stressed? No I do not. A lot of the time depression and anxiety (which cause stress) is genetic and due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now how do I choose to turn that off?

    You sound extremely ignorant and ave a huge lack of understanding of mental health. Her support is not en you’ve needs to want help.

    I could handle some of this for a short while, so long as he was seeking help, this man is CHOOSING to put his wife and himself through this. This is him letting her down. She has. been supportive but there’s only so much she can do if he won’t help himself. She’s just supposed to sacrifice her mental and physical health for a man who doesn’t even seem to care? Hell no!

    Can you honestly spend 50+ years (if he doesn’t inadvertently kill himself sooner) with a man you cannot be physically attracted to? If you could you have some serious issues or are lying to yourself.

    Post # 138
    Member
    189 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    Ewww, I would be running to the divorce lawyer,  sorry to say. Sounds like you’ve tried and failed to make things better.

    Post # 139
    Member
    1260 posts
    Bumble bee

    OP, there are so many people giving basically the same advice. What are you thinking your next steps will be?

    Post # 140
    Member
    1357 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

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    soleil200:  what is this?????

    Post # 141
    Member
    1357 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I think there is mental illness involved here. And I say this with the most sympathetic and empathetic heart. He needs help. Like in a mental health facility. Clearly his actions are causing harm to himself and others. Also while there they would be able to rule out other non mental disease like diabetes. Op I’m so sorry your going through this,this must incredibly devastating. Maybe contact some mental facilities in your area? Talk with a doctor to see if that would be the right thing for him?  Prayers coming your way. 

    Post # 142
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    You have communicated to him and you are truly going above and beyond with sticking this out. Time to put you first.  

    Post # 143
    Member
    444 posts
    Helper bee

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    tarabunny:  Agree. Pretty much all of his physical symptoms (and those feet, ugh) are signs of uncontrolled diabetes. So, I guess if he refuses to see a doctor, he may end up dead before you have to decide whether to leave him or not…

    Post # 144
    Member
    9130 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    anonladygrace:  

    the diseases could be prevented by condoms.” — So you think it’s more reasonable for her to have to wear hazmat gear than for him to wash the mushrooms off his dick?

    yes he needs to address these issues but no divorce is not the right answer.” — He won’t address them, that’s the problem. So if someone refuses to address issues that per your own words they need to address, what then?

    You’re hilarious, I hope your husband turns into this and you can tell us all about what an honor it is to accept a disease-infested and porn pre-pounded penis into your ladybits. Vaginosis for Jesus, y’all!!

    Post # 145
    Member
    900 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m a nurse here, and I’m not seeing any evidence of diabetes here. True, people with diabetes has feet problems and keeping clean is harder if they are not managing their symptoms. BUT, it’s not sounding like this guy is trying to clean himself up at all, and I have seen patients just like this who has poor hygiene and had stuff growing on them when they had no diabetes at all. They just had poor personal hygiene, had depression, or was homeless (or a mixture of the 3). Diagnosising someone with either a mental or physical illness is near impossible just from reading a few paragraphs o ln the internet. He may ir may not have diabetes/depression/etc, but what we do know he has is a complete disregard for himself, the OP, and their marriage” AND that he has no intention of fixing this.

    Post # 146
    Member
    2865 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

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    pumilionis:  Ditto. I knew someone exactly like this. His wife insisted on separate beds. He had diabetes (which he usually ignored), was very overweight, depressed and had heart problems. (he died of a heart attack)

    Post # 147
    Member
    742 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Sweet mother of gosh… His hygeine sounds atrocious, but I, too, do not advocate divorce over habits like this that can be fixed. Open communication and listening should help. 

    It sounds like he needs to see a doctor regarding these fungi, etc issues, which I understand he doesn’t want to do, but in all honesty, it may be how you’re approaching the problem. Many people are VERY self conscious about their hygeine, particularly when they’re bigger so it becomes a very sensitive topic.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems you are both tired and frustrated with your current situation, so your marriage is what is suffering the most. Couples counseling may be your best bet. Often times, having someone to mediate the two sides makes both sides realize what they need to be doing differently to effectively communicate with their partner, be a true partner, as well as the instances where you are saying the same thing, just in two different ways. If nothing else, it can help you both better determine which course of action is most apporpriate for your relationship.

    He may not even be considering his habits, caused by depression or not, are having such an effect on you that you would even bring up the big D word- divorce.

    Post # 148
    Member
    3302 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    buzzedoffbee15:  fungus, kidney problems, obese, drinking a lot of fluids.(see first post).

    Diabetes likely but without an A1C we obviously don’t know for sure. 

    Post # 149
    Member
    900 posts
    Busy bee

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    doberman:  I’m just saying there is no way to know unless he’s seen by a professional. 

    Post # 150
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee

    It sounds like uncontrolled diabetes to me, too. It also sounds like he knows his health is bad and is avoiding doing anything about it out of fear. And I wonder if he has a fetish about poop.

    I’m one of those people who believes that divorce should only be for the most extreme problems in marriage. If I were you, I would tell him that either he solves his health problems or you walk. And then follow through. From your posts, I just don’t see this marriage working out. Do you want to have kids in this environment? Do you see yourself at 60 still cleaning poop off the bathroom walls? 

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