(Closed) My husband’s brother did not attend wedding after RSVPing yes, how to handle?

posted 12 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh that’s rude on so many counts! I understand that she couldn’t come or whatever, but they really should have contacted you before the wedding – even if it was the morning of to let you know. And they certainly should have apologised. You’re so right – it’s not hard to text.

I guess on the plus side is that they’ve clearly offended other members of your husband’s family too by their behaviour so maybe you can let them fight this battle for you – or at least you’ll have someone who’ll understand how you’re feeling.

Post # 4
7 posts
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ya i would be so upset!!! i dont blame you for not wanting to have small talk at family gatherings i wouldnt either! it wouldnt have hurt them to call or text like you said! i dont know how i would handle a situation like that probably the same id be so offended and cut off all ties!! but you cant cause they are family!! im sorry!! 

Post # 5
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

To be fair, twin pregnancies are generally high risk, and I don’t really see anything wrong with their telling you that they hope to make it, but there is some possibility that they will not be able to due to medical issues.  And honestly, it is possible that they won’t know that until the morning of your wedding.  One of my bridesmaids was 7 months pregnant, and she didn’t know until the morning of the wedding what activities she could participate in (she walked down the aisle, but did not get her hair or makeup done or pose for pictures, and I was completely fine with that since I just wanted her to participate to whatever extent she felt capable).

If a not-very close friend was in this situation, they should RSVP no, but I do think brides need to just pay the extra cost to hold a place for a brother even if there is some possibility he will not be able to attend. If your husband actually called and was less than diplomatic about the situation, I can understand their being upset.  I can also understand their not contacting the bride or groom on their wedding day to tell them that they are unable to attend since you have a million other things to deal with then, but they should have contacted another family member to explain the situation and offered abject and sincere apologies to you and your husband afterwards.  I would be much more upset about the lack of an apology than anything else, and you should feel free to limit your generosity with them  in the future.  you will need to force yourself to make brief, polite small talk, but don’t feel the need to go out of your way to help them in the future.

Post # 6
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i wouldn’t know what to think.  professorbee has a good point that given the risks with twins she might not have known until the morning of whether or not they would make it.  but it seems odd that they couldn’t at least text someone to let them know they couldn’t make it.  y’all had told them how important the family pictures were, so that makes it seems especially rude not to have at least sent a text. 

have they ever said anything about why they don’t come to family events?  do they not really like large gatherings?  does one of them have a social phobia? 

Post # 7
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

WHat a tough spot.It really stinks that you have been so supportive of them. I do think it is extremely rude to not even acknoledge that you and your husband got married. Regardless of how she felt on that day, everything is ok now and they should atleast call, send a cards, anything. It does sound like the rest of your husband’s family is sticking up for you,so that’s good.

As far as moving forward I would be polite, but definately not go out of my way to speak to them.

Post # 8
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow that was very rude. Even if she couldn’t attend your Brother-In-Law could have came to the ceremony at least and left her home. And it’s been 2 weeks since your wedding and nothing? Not a sorry we couldn’t make it call or email? That is ridiculous. I am not as passive as others would be in this situation. If it bothers your husband than he should call his brother and see what the hell is up. Also I would mention their lack of an email, card, gift, and thank you for all of the baby gifts that you got them! They sound very selfish and I wouldn’t:

1. go out of your way to see the babies when they arrive, I would offer a simple congratulations text or email that’s it which is more than they gave you on your wedding day

2. buy them any more baby stuff

3. talk to them other than when it’s necessary at family functions to keep the peace there.

And I know many won’t agree with me and that’s fine to each her own, but I’m more confrontational and would need the answers as opposed to just wondering why. Also it would let the BIL/SIL know that NOT giving a thank you card after such generous gifts is just plain RUDE.

Post # 9
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

it’s not like the wedding was in another state – the couple lives in the SUBURBS.  That’s just super lame.  The father of the twins is the groom’s brother, so it stands to reason that the mother of the twins’ family wasn’t at this wedding. She could have had a sister/brother/cousin/girlfriend/neighbor/mom/dad ANYONE sit with her for 2 hours while the brother went to the wedding.  That doesn’t sound like a good excuse.  Unless the brother was physically having twins also, he could have at least driven 30 minutes into the city to see the ceremony. 

Good luck OP!

Post # 10
3674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

i think it sucks that they did that, it isn’t hard to give you a phone call if she wasn’t feeling well. i understand that you aren’t happy with them, but i would try to be the bigger person here. you have new babies coming into the family, and i know it would make me sad if i had a niece and/or nephew that i didn’t get to know just because my bil was being stupid.

Post # 12
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmm. Tough one. I mean, they really should have let someone know they weren’t coming and sent at least a card. Clearly they are self-absorbed people, and I’m sure you and your hubby are not the only ones that think so. I’d honestly be the bigger person here and not stir up additional family drama. It will only hurt you in the long run. I wouldn’t go out of my way to do anything for them either, though.

Post # 13
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I would feel extremely insulted too! Unfortunately, I can relate.

My husband’s sister and three kids told us she was coming to our wedding. She would leave us FB messages about how excited she was, tell her mom (the hubs’ mom) she was excited about buying a dress for the wedding and to see everyone. It was a big deal she was coming because she lives kind of far from her family, and my in-laws hadn’t seen her or the kids in oh, probably at least five years. I had never met her.

Well, RSVP date comes and goes, and we still assume she’s coming. Two weeks from the RSVP date, we get a FB message from her because we couldn’t get ahold of her any other way to get meal perferences, and she tells us she doesn’t feel like making the trip (three hours from wedding site – even though she had about a year and a half to make arrangements).

We pretty much have stopped being friendly with her. Thankfully, we don’t even see her at Christmas because she never comes home, so we haven’t yet had to deal with the awkward small talk.

It’s just really hurtful because this was a sibling. Not a cousin or distant relative. Our plan is to be cordial if we ever meet her, but not go out of our way to do so. If things change/we get an apology, we’ll change that, obviously.

I’m really sorry. That just sucks 🙁

Post # 14
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think that totally sucks. But I also think that in order to have a nice realtionship with your future neices/nephews you need to just let it go. They’ll be the ones hurt the most in the end if you end up not talking to your husbands family membeers.

Post # 15
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

They had a 45min talk saying their plans were, so even though they are having twins and the risk, etc. etc., that’s not what they put out there so they are wrong for that.  Also, that they were able to tell someone after being hunted down on FB instead of having the proper social graces to call or text to say, sorry can’t make it, makes them even more rude.

And that they haven’t sent out any thank yous for gifts received for their babies suggest these folks are both very selfish and I wouldn’t want to engage in any small talk with them.  Kudos at least for your new family for acknowledging this issue; many wouldn’t and would tell you to just suck it up.

See the babies when they are born, because it’s the right thing to do, but keep the visit short, talk with other family members and keep any and all conversations with them very brief.  Let them take the steps to make amends, otherwise, just see them at the few family events they opt to show up to, since it doesn’t sound like they really do (and hence really don’t want to be a part of the extended family). 

Post # 16
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We had similar drama with my husband’s cousins who were like brothers to him growing up.  And honestly, I’m still mad about it.  A lot of people say talk about letting it go for the sake of keeping the peace, being the bigger person, etc.  But I think that just validates that kind of behavior and frankly, IT’S NOT OK!  Your Brother-In-Law should absolutely have been at that wedding, if just for the ceremony.  I think it’s safe to assume he is not at his wife’s side 24 hours a day, he probably goes to work, runs errands, etc.  It is not unrealistic for them to be apart for 2 hours if she was not feeling up to attending so that he could be there.  And while I can understand not wanting to contact you on your wedding day to say they wouldn’t be coming they could certainly have contacted a family member so you wouldn’t be left wondering.  The fact that they didn’t bother to contact you after either shows that they are really just ill-mannered as evidenced by the lack of thank you for the baby gifts.  If it were me, I would be done with them.  For your husband’s sake I would plan on being cordial if you happen to be at a family event together but I would try to keep contact with them at a minimum.  I wouldn’t say anything about the wedding and their lack of attendance, I would just be done with them.  Maybe having a family will change their attitudes and self-serving behavior and if so, great.  If they change into people that you want to be around then you can make an effort to do so.  Otherwise I think they have shown you what you can expect from them and I would just file it away and respond accordingly in the future.

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