My husband's brother thinks I'm rude and unfriendly. Should I confront him?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 61
Member
5464 posts
Bee Keeper

Your husband isn’t a POS. He’s just spineless, cowardly wretch,  just like his parents. They all need to wake the f up and realize that ignoring disgusting behavior only emboldens the offender. All their head in the sand behavior has created a monster.

Post # 62
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Omg… people are so harsh to your husband. 

The brother sounds like he’s a jerk most of the time. To you he makes jokes of one kind, but he’s probably made tacky and offensive jokes to most people most of his life. 

Now if he’s a sweetheart  to everybody but you, then I’d definitely stand up for yourself and get your husband to do the same. 

But if he’s the same kind of awkward offhumor buthead to everybody (picking at and making jokes over their perceived weakness), then I’d still say I’d ignore it. His jokes falling flat and getting no response good or bad seems like it might do more to make him stop than getting fired up. Sometimes those people like a reaction even a bad reaction. 

Regarding your husband, unless he’s laughing with the brother or telling you that you’re being crazy for getting offended, I wouldn’t put your anger on him. If his brother has been a jerk his whole life, he’s probably endured a lot of poor jokes and decided that was the best way to handle him. 

( I do not condone any offensive jokes or comments… just giving my thoughts on what is more likely to make them go away quicker long term.)

Post # 63
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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bibliophilacticbee :  No. Ignore it? Seriously? Sweeping it under the rug is the wrong answer. Her husband needs to stick up for her and let his brother know racist jokes will not be tolerated, period.

Post # 64
Member
5464 posts
Bee Keeper

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bibliophilacticbee :  Harsh to her husband? Do you mean the man she married, the man she’d hoped would stick up for when she’s the butt of a cruel racist joke? Because all I see is a man willing to laugh off or ignore his racist remarks. There’s nothing awkward about the brother’s “humor”. It’s not humor when it’s these kinds of comments. It’s racism disguised.

Post # 65
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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firesapphire89 :  

The whole family isn’t the issue

That’s where you’re wrong bee.  The whole family has been complicit in this unacceptable behavior.  Let me repeat… UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!  They’ve let him get away with this since childhood and its why he went from making normal douchebag statements to outright racists ones unapposed.  NO ONE checks him so he thinks its okay to bully and insult people.  Pretty soon he’s going to open his douchebag mouth to the wrong person and they will shut it for him.

So I have SOME sympathy for your husband as he was never protected as a child by his own parents but not a lot.  When Brother-In-Law came at you with those statements…..he was crossing a line in the sand. You don’t seem to comprehend that he was challenging your husband when he spoke like that to you and your husband failed miserably.  You shouldn’t need to remind your DH that racism is bad so you don’t put up with it.  Protecting you and your son should’ve been his #1 priority.  Instead making life easier for HIMSELF was the real priority.  That’s what you need to make him understand.

Not only was BIL being racist but it was some convoluted alpha male chest beating going on.  He behaves this way to display dominance but really he’s a supremely insecure, racist POS.  Please stop believing you need these people to like you.

Post # 66
Member
6179 posts
Bee Keeper

This is really quite awful bee. Have you talked to your husband? I think that is key. He really needs to be on your side here and needs to be a good ally. You shouldn’t be subjected to this racism from his family, nor should your son. It’s not fair what position you’ve been put in. It should be the brother who us worried about being liked because he’s quite awful. 

I definitely would skip Christmas with them. You your husband and son can start some nice traditions at home together. It was three of us when I was a kid and it was quite nice and relaxed. 

Post # 70
Member
6179 posts
Bee Keeper

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firesapphire89 :  Good point. How does the family react to Brother-In-Law comments? Do they kind of roll their eyes and ignore him? Laugh? No reaction? 

Can you guys visit his parents when the brother isn’t visiting? Is he always there? Maybe a you guys can have a couple random weekend visits when brother horrible isnt around? That way you get face time with the family without the brother. 

Post # 72
Member
6179 posts
Bee Keeper

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firesapphire89 :  Oh ugh. Dang it. I would be uncomfortable too. Are they far enough away to where you can say we can’t fly out again  this year? Send a card, maybe gift to his parents and that’s it? 

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