Post # 1
Sigh … married not quite a month ago and going back to the grind is rough. We had problems during our engagement, most of which I think stemmed from him being overworked and cranky from lack of sleep, and money issues related to the wedding. Since the wedding, everything has gone back to GREAT! Except, I’m already starting to see him slip back into the overworked cranky mode. On top of that, I hardly ever get to see him. We have opposing schedules (him days me nights or me days and him nights), on top a lot of over-night or international trip assignments for him. Neither of us know our schedules until the week before, so we can’t plan anything.
To make it even worse he only gets two holidays a year off … This year it was labor day, and I’m sure it will be another stupid one to finish out the year. Forget Xmas or Thanksgiving, there is too much competition for those holidays at his job and the veterans take the prize. I can’t even get him to TRY to request them off. I find myself so sad at times … I just wish we worked normal schedules, a couple of 9-5ers with holidays off (or at least ONE of us for petes sake). I wish he wasn’t so tired all the time, though I don’t blame him for it and try to be as patient as possible. I worry about the effect the severe lack of sleep will have on his health long term. I guess I’m just venting, but I see other couples picking out halloween costumes and planning thanksgiving dinners and I feel so alone. I hate his job, but mine is crappy and his is mainly supporting both of us :*( He works himself ragged and all I feel is ungrateful. Anyone else?
Post # 3
anyone want to chime in? 🙁
Post # 4
I’m in a LDR right now, we’ve been doing this for almost 2 years now and I relate entirely. When we were together this summer, I worked days he worked nights. I got up at 8, saw him for maybe a half hour over lunch and then didn’t seem him again until 11 at night when I was half asleep. Holidays are crazy with Christmas being the only one we get together and that’s for maybe a few days. Honestly, there’s not a lot to do but to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyway that one of you could switch shifts? Or maybe work to ensure that you both have one day a week off to spend together? Or what about making a day that you have off and making that night with him a date night?
Post # 5
🙁 oh EtP 🙁
Do you have ANY overlap time off? One day a week or something? Date days/nights would be great time to spend together! Also, you can totally celebrate holidays on days that aren’t the holiday itself… my mom is a nurse (worked ER while I was a kid), so we NEVER celebrated on the actual day of like any holiday! A thanksgiving potluck can be fun on a Tuesday in October 🙂
Is there any chance your job will change sometime? Or could one of you switch your schedule so you’re at least working the same nights and the same days?
Post # 6
Is there ANY way you can change your work situation? Any way at all? That sounds horrible!
If not, perhaps for now you can make a ‘plan’ to find little ways to connect with each other. Even if it’s a 5 minute phone conversation each day when you can manage it, or a note that you leave each other every morning/night on your way out. Sometimes the little things can pull you through!
Post # 7
Hey everyone, thanks for the sympathy :/ He has no control over his schedule AT ALL. He can take leave, but he has to give a month and a half notice. I work in a restaurant so I could ask for days off, if only I knew which ones he had off farther in advance! It’s not like we NEVER have the same days off. It’s just like a total craps shoot if I end up landing with one of the two per week he has off.
He doesn’t seem to really notice how little we see eachother until it gets really bad, like last week. It’s like he has to be the one home alone without me for him to notice, when 75 percent of the time I’m the one home alone without him (when we are home of course). What worries me most is that currently I’m not even working quite full time at the restaurant (don’t have to because I get some from unemployment still when I don’t work five days). But eventually that will run out and I’m so freaking scared of what happens when I HAVE to pick up more shifts. I’m so desperate for a new job.
Post # 8
ETP- I can related to this, only I’m your husband… I work just about every weekend (3/4 per month) and I’m working Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Mr. DG and I see each other less than when we were engaged, and I’m more tired than I’ve ever been.
I know that right now, we’re having to make huge sacrifices to get ahead, but we’ve made a 5 year plan that we both feel very committed to. Mr. DG has picked up so much of the slack at the house. And for that I am FOREVER grateful. Trust me when I say, I never take a single cooked dinner or cleaned kitchen for granted!
In our plan we’ve tried to make some provisions to have changes that positively affect my schedule starting next year. I can’t guarantee that it’s going to work, but I’m interviewing for more advanced positions that would change my schedule so that I only work 10 overnight shifts a year and am guaranteed some weekends and some holidays off.
It’s a small thing, but it allows us to have a light at the end of the tunnel. Is there some way that you two can sit down and hash out a plan so that this doesn’t seem never-ending and insurmountable?
I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one going through this, and I know just how tough it is! Hang in there!
Post # 9
This sounds funny, but maybe when this happens you could plan something FOR him for when he gets off work (maybe have a supper in the fridge if he worked during the day, so he can pop it in the oven and have his wife’s home cooked meal), or leave the new book/movie he’s been wanting on his pillow (even if you rent it or get it from the library it’d be a nice surprise). I think he’d realize that you are still trying to connect with him even though you aren’t physically there. I leave cards for Mr. Luna randomly – in his truck on the seat for when he gets in, in the morning, on his computer chair, etc. He likes them 🙂 Just a thought.
Post # 10
Aw, I feel you EtP. With school and work and school-related activities it gets hard. I’m never home during the week and on the weekends he’s on conference calls or remoted-in to his office or he’s got his hands into some project (just bought a house, needs work)… It’s rough. I get resentful alot because I just want his attention. I even tell him “I want your attention now please!!” And he laughs and gives me a hug and a kiss.
In our relationship it seems like if he’s overworked and stuff, I pick up the slack by doing the laundry, dishes, and cooking so that he can just chill out, which makes for a happier Mr. K. And when I’m stressed and overbusy, he picks up the slack. That could help curb the overworked crankiness.
When you do get an hour or two together, maybe do something like a massage with some candles. It’s something that Mr. K and I get really into because it relieves a little stress and it makes us feel closer even though we spend so much time apart. And it can take 10 minutes or two hours, depending on how into you get and where it leads. 😉
Another idea 🙂 Take a mental health day together, if you both have sick time, after one of his most hectic weeks. (I mean, if your employers would both allow it. Some bosses are more understanding than others.)
Post # 11
I know how you feel. My husband works for the government so they can decide he is going on trips a week in advance. In fact, they can’t plan a trip more than a week out because it usually ends up changing! Last month he was gone pretty much every week day leaving me alone. The worst part is that we just moved to a new town this summer and I barely know anyone so I don’t even have anything to do except go to school. I really know how you feel, I feel so resentful for being brought to a new place and left alone with nothing to do but we need the money and it’s for his career.
Is there any way either of you could change your job situation? Going back to school to get a degree and a 9-5 job? Wish I had more amazing ideas for you but I am the same way.
Post # 12
@MissAsB — I have a degree (graduated summa cum laude from a baby ivy league school in NY). I have five years of experience, three of which I was managing editor for a major magazine in New York. I’m waitressing in NEPA, why? Because there aren’t any magazines in the Poconos and I already freelance for the only newspaper. None of this helps how I feel of course.
Post # 13
Sending some hugs your way.
Is it possible for your husband to look for a new position? I know DH used to work like that–overnight on bases, plus his deployment and some other stuff, “mandatory” bbqs on friday nights, and he just hit a wall and was like, “I effin hate the military…i want out” and he’s much more peaceful about all the crap he has to put up with now that he KNOWS when it’s ending. After 5 years (this Christmas), he’s like “wow i actually get to live in the same city as you!” I can’t imagine having to do this for LONGER than we already have. You hit a breaking point where you get sick of where you are. So you have to either come to grips with it or actively try to change it. Or at least get a plan for how you’ll make it work.
It’s one thing to have a game plan with this–it sucks that you don’t have the same schedules as everyone else, but the grass is always greener on the other side, so try to enjoy what you do have together instead of focusing on all the bad. I like a pp’s idea of doing things for him so he knows you’re still thinking about him. But yeah, when you don’t have a game plan, it can just feel tiresome and wear on you.
Post # 14
I feel your pain. My Fiance works in the resturant biz, so he works 4pm to 2am Wed thru Sun. I’m a teacher so I work 7am – 4pm Mon thru Fri.
We don’t see much of each other, but we try to make it work. We schedule time to spend together – make date nights – and even just spend 10 minutues in the morning eating breakfast together.. (he wakes up to eat with me, then goes back to bed, or I wake up on Fri/Sat nights when he gets home).
One day, our schedules will coinside, but right now, we just make the best of the time we have together.
If you think there are more problems between the two of you, I suggest going to counseling. Don’t wait until this blows up into something worse.