(Closed) My in-laws hate me.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

KatesTheWord:  i don’t have any experience with dealing with hateful in-laws. But what does your husband have to say about all this? Can he speak with them and maybe find out what the deal is? <br /><br />I do know that if this were happening to me, i know for a fact that Darling Husband would put an end to the nasty attitude. 

Your husband is an adult, he can return phone calls, he maybe just have simply forgotten!!! People work, have lives. They don’t sound like a peachy bunch. But I hope that this comes to an end. 

I think its important that you let your Darling Husband know exactly how you are feeling about all this and that you this upset. You shouldn’t have to live like this

Post # 3
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

KatesTheWord:  My in laws hate me too. And what it comes down to is that my Fiance has shifted his perspective from them being his family, to him and I being a family. And he’s no longer at their beck and call to do everything they want him to. It’s a natural progression and some people have more trouble with it that others. And I became the scapegoat. 

They call me a B, manipulative, unfair, and everything else you can think of. We decided to move to a different city for career prospects – my fault. He went back to school – my fault. He doesn’t drive an hour just to see them – my fault. Like really? He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions.

My response? To distance myself. They are his family, not mine. I have stayed away as much as I can. When I do have to see them (holidays, wedding events), I keep our conversations polite and short.  I have chosen to rise above and to not play their game. Which, btw, has infuriated them even more. 

When the children come, they are in for a rude awakening. I will not bring my children around that negative energy. What they fail to realize is that the Mom is the keeper of the grandchildren. If they want access, they have to play nice. 

Post # 6
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sounds like your husband is very understanding about this– and actually, sees your “side” more than their side.

 

My advice?  Cut them off.  If you allow people to continually berate you and make you feel badly, they’ll continue to do that.  It’s sad that it will have to come to this– but maybe it will make them finally see that you are not to be the family punching bag.

 

If they finally see the light and try to be kind, start returning calls and attending family affairs.  If not, you have your life to live.

 

LIfe is too short to spend it with jerks.  Even family.

Post # 7
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

Just a warning, this just happened to my friend (TRUE STORY):

My friend has a “hateful” in law too.  She would tell us stories about how they would always THINK so horrible of her all throughout the years until she became his wife.  Then this weekend, she was hanging out with the youngest SIL and she kind of broke down and cried.  The SIL, she’s like 16 but when they started dating she was like 10 or so.  She followed my friend outside when my friend pretended she was going to the car to get something but is actually going there to cry.

She told my friend that even though my friend is a Queen B*tch, her mascara was too pretty to waste.  Then my friend has had enough and asked what she ever did that earned her the title.  And she said, “well all the stories my brother told prety much conveyed that image you know”.  Then they talked for 2 hours and she realized–HER Darling Husband HAS BEEN INADVERTENTLY MAKING HER LOOK BAD!

Apparently when her Darling Husband is too lazy to go to his family party, he would call his mom and used my friend as an excuse he couldn’t go.  Or when her Mother-In-Law offered the downstairs to them as a rental, her Darling Husband didn’t want that because they’ll curtail his partying ways so he told his mom that it was my friend’s idea not to move in with them.  When the Darling Husband would come over, apparently he would like tell them “yeah she’s a total b*tch” but didn’t realize that his jokes are taken seriously because his parents are old school Asians! 

It was quite a bit of revelation to my friend to be honest.  She CONFRONTED her Fiance in front of his family and asked him if all of that was true–so that left his Darling Husband either to be dishonest to his wife or to his family.  He admitted fault in front of them and said that he often used her as an excuse because he’s so tired from work he didn’t want to go to dinner at his parents house.  But because he was brought up in a scary Asian family (you’ll know what I’m talking about if you’re in one), he couldn’t say no unless she did. 

Anyway, just to give a different perspective on this InLaws thing. 

Post # 8
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

from someone who has been there, the only solution is to stop caring. it’s a terrible, sad suggestion, but the only one that has brought me peace.

you cannot control other people, but you can control your reaction. 🙁

xo.

Post # 10
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

KatesTheWord:  my friend is in a similar situation on its her family that hates her husband. She stopped giving her parents moneys and dropping everything for them. They stresses her out to the max. When they got married her husband put his foot down. they were not happy money was not rollin in. She basically told them to get over it and stopped going over  as much. Her husband doesn’t even bother with her family unless they go over to their house. She realized that in ordee for her new family to be happy she had to minimize contact.  They both have kids from previous marriages who are young so they worry about their family first.  The husbands parents are super supportive and love my friend. They would do anything for her. In your case sounds like it’s probably reversed. It may not be the best way but it worked for them.

Post # 11
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

Mine hate me, so I do my best to avoid them. Mother-In-Law and her sisters are like bullies. They are so insulting I cannot imagine why they would think I would want to be around them. They do not have to care about me but alienating me estranges my husband from them. And now our kids, they aren’t exactly going to visit on their own but treating their mother like shit is not good for kids to witness anyway 

Post # 12
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

KatesTheWord:  no, him ignoring them is not your problem! He obviously ignores them for a reason. 

Hopefully the therapy helps your Darling Husband. Ive been to therapy myself for family related issues as well, and it does take time. And my issus have caused issues btwn myself and Darling Husband, we still have a few bumps but we get through it. 

I hope one day he does come to a resolution. But you must know that they are the ones with the issues not you. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I understand how you feel. Women can be so nasty towards each other. Instead of helping each other ,we get jealous and bring each other down. I too am afraid that one day when my bf and I get married my sils and his family will feel the same way as your in laws as my family is more welcoming. We see them once a week or so, sometimes twice a month (we aren’t even married) but his sils would sometimes make comments about me and my bf, saying that they don’t see us enough and that they may one day forget us. Who says that kind of stuff?? 

It is rude and it wasn’t cute or funny. I’m much closer to my family because even if we cannot make it to something they won’t get mad at us. But when we say no to his family, his family would make small comments. Sorry, I’m in similar boat and I just hate to see someone else like that too!!!

Post # 14
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Sadly, my mother is like this with regards to my SIL.  She automatically ‘blames’ SIL when my brother and her do something that my mother doesn’t like.  I’ve pointed out to her ad nauseaum that by doing so, she’s basically saying that she raised my brother to be weak willed and a doormat, and that reflects poorly on her.  

My SIL actually turned down a very good job in my mother’s home city…this is the price my mother is paying for her inability to ‘let go’.

I feel like that’s not my problem  – keep repeating this every time you feel upset about the situation, because you are right.  It’s not your problem.  Stop trying, stop caring…you don’t need to have a relationship with these people.   It’s a bonus if you do, but it’s not essential.  Stop letting their actions spoil your happiness.

As other posters have pointed out, they will soon realise the consequences of their actions when you have a baby.  Your husband needs to point out to them that if they don’t act nice to the mother, they don’t get to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

 

Post # 15
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

Things like Mother-In-Law giving the silent treatment and SIL leaving nasty voicemails… I’m assuming you know about these things because Darling Husband tells you? If this isn’t going to get sorted out, maybe he should avoid letting you know when they’re being like that if all it serves to do is make you feel bad? Obviously you’ll need to know if there’s a family event or something on and you’ll have to see them, but the rest of the time maybe ignorance is bliss?

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