Post # 1
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
Right about now I am basically shaking with anger and starting to cry.
With the exception of my husbands father and brother, my in laws hate me. They always have and its getting worse the more I try. They have ruined literally every happy occasion in our life thus far other than our wedding day. I don’t know what to do anymore.
They are jealous that I am close with my family and I spend a lot of time with them. They are resentful that my husband doesn’t take care of them anymore the way he did when he was single (He did everything, played every role, was never a kid). They talk shit about me when I post pictures of my nieces and nephews. They get mad every holiday that we have to split time between our families. When they speak to my husband, they only refer to me as “your wife”, before that it was “your girlfriend”. They think I am a monster that dictates everything my husband does, and that I keep him away from them.
It cannot be further than the truth and I have tried so hard over and over again to prove that and to prove myself to them but they just hate me! my husband makes his own decisions and has his own mind. But if he doesn’t go to visit them, it’s my fault. If he doesn’t return their call, it’s my fault. If he gets mad at them, it my fault. I don’t know if I can handle the stress anymore. It’s all blowing up once again and we are getting the silent treatment from Mother-In-Law for reasons we aren’t sure of yet and SIL keeps leaving nasty messages on my husbands phone.
please if anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice for me I would really appreciate it.
Post # 2
Member
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
KatesTheWord: i don’t have any experience with dealing with hateful in-laws. But what does your husband have to say about all this? Can he speak with them and maybe find out what the deal is? <br /><br />I do know that if this were happening to me, i know for a fact that DH would put an end to the nasty attitude.
Your husband is an adult, he can return phone calls, he maybe just have simply forgotten!!! People work, have lives. They don’t sound like a peachy bunch. But I hope that this comes to an end.
I think its important that you let your DH know exactly how you are feeling about all this and that you this upset. You shouldn’t have to live like this
Post # 3
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
KatesTheWord: My in laws hate me too. And what it comes down to is that my Fiance has shifted his perspective from them being his family, to him and I being a family. And he’s no longer at their beck and call to do everything they want him to. It’s a natural progression and some people have more trouble with it that others. And I became the scapegoat.
They call me a B, manipulative, unfair, and everything else you can think of. We decided to move to a different city for career prospects – my fault. He went back to school – my fault. He doesn’t drive an hour just to see them – my fault. Like really? He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions.
My response? To distance myself. They are his family, not mine. I have stayed away as much as I can. When I do have to see them (holidays, wedding events), I keep our conversations polite and short. I have chosen to rise above and to not play their game. Which, btw, has infuriated them even more.
When the children come, they are in for a rude awakening. I will not bring my children around that negative energy. What they fail to realize is that the Mom is the keeper of the grandchildren. If they want access, they have to play nice.
Post # 4
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
Daizy914: Thank you. It’s been about 6 years of this so DH is aware of it and we talk about it all of the time. He has been seeing a therapist for about a year now to help with his issues with communicating and handling his family. He’s getting a lot better at standing up for me and setting them straight, but he mostly just ignores it because he doesn’t want to deal with them and it continues.
We have tried so many ways to work through these problems and become close to them and nothing works for longer than a couple months. It just sucks.
As for returning their phone calls, yes he is SO busy all the time, but he probably ignores them a lot because he can’t stand them. I feel like thats not my problem though.
Post # 5
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
soontobemrsKB92615: YES exactly! We are TTC right now and I wanted SO badly for everyone to be happy but I will not ever put my kids in an unhealthy environment where everyone is angry and fighting constantly. It’s so sad that at this point our kids probably won’t have any relationship with them.
I have tried to distance myself and limit my presence to holidays, but with them it seems to make it worse, and so uncomfortable.
Thanks for your advice it sounds like we have very similar in laws unfortunately.
Post # 6
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
Sounds like your husband is very understanding about this– and actually, sees your “side” more than their side.
My advice? Cut them off. If you allow people to continually berate you and make you feel badly, they’ll continue to do that. It’s sad that it will have to come to this– but maybe it will make them finally see that you are not to be the family punching bag.
If they finally see the light and try to be kind, start returning calls and attending family affairs. If not, you have your life to live.
LIfe is too short to spend it with jerks. Even family.
Post # 7
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
Just a warning, this just happened to my friend (TRUE STORY):
My friend has a “hateful” in law too. She would tell us stories about how they would always THINK so horrible of her all throughout the years until she became his wife. Then this weekend, she was hanging out with the youngest SIL and she kind of broke down and cried. The SIL, she’s like 16 but when they started dating she was like 10 or so. She followed my friend outside when my friend pretended she was going to the car to get something but is actually going there to cry.
She told my friend that even though my friend is a Queen B*tch, her mascara was too pretty to waste. Then my friend has had enough and asked what she ever did that earned her the title. And she said, “well all the stories my brother told prety much conveyed that image you know”. Then they talked for 2 hours and she realized–HER DH HAS BEEN INADVERTENTLY MAKING HER LOOK BAD!
Apparently when her DH is too lazy to go to his family party, he would call his mom and used my friend as an excuse he couldn’t go. Or when her Mother-In-Law offered the downstairs to them as a rental, her DH didn’t want that because they’ll curtail his partying ways so he told his mom that it was my friend’s idea not to move in with them. When the DH would come over, apparently he would like tell them “yeah she’s a total b*tch” but didn’t realize that his jokes are taken seriously because his parents are old school Asians!
It was quite a bit of revelation to my friend to be honest. She CONFRONTED her Fiance in front of his family and asked him if all of that was true–so that left his DH either to be dishonest to his wife or to his family. He admitted fault in front of them and said that he often used her as an excuse because he’s so tired from work he didn’t want to go to dinner at his parents house. But because he was brought up in a scary Asian family (you’ll know what I’m talking about if you’re in one), he couldn’t say no unless she did.
Anyway, just to give a different perspective on this InLaws thing.
Post # 8
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
from someone who has been there, the only solution is to stop caring. it’s a terrible, sad suggestion, but the only one that has brought me peace.
you cannot control other people, but you can control your reaction. 🙁
xo.
Post # 9
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
KatesTheWord: stay away, distance yourself as much as you can. Good luck!
Post # 10
Member
3584 posts
Sugar bee
KatesTheWord: my friend is in a similar situation on its her family that hates her husband. She stopped giving her parents moneys and dropping everything for them. They stresses her out to the max. When they got married her husband put his foot down. they were not happy money was not rollin in. She basically told them to get over it and stopped going over as much. Her husband doesn’t even bother with her family unless they go over to their house. She realized that in ordee for her new family to be happy she had to minimize contact. They both have kids from previous marriages who are young so they worry about their family first. The husbands parents are super supportive and love my friend. They would do anything for her. In your case sounds like it’s probably reversed. It may not be the best way but it worked for them.
Post # 11
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
Mine hate me, so I do my best to avoid them. Mother-In-Law and her sisters are like bullies. They are so insulting I cannot imagine why they would think I would want to be around them. They do not have to care about me but alienating me estranges my husband from them. And now our kids, they aren’t exactly going to visit on their own but treating their mother like shit is not good for kids to witness anyway
Post # 12
Member
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
KatesTheWord: no, him ignoring them is not your problem! He obviously ignores them for a reason.
Hopefully the therapy helps your DH. Ive been to therapy myself for family related issues as well, and it does take time. And my issus have caused issues btwn myself and DH, we still have a few bumps but we get through it.
I hope one day he does come to a resolution. But you must know that they are the ones with the issues not you. 🙂
Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
I understand how you feel. Women can be so nasty towards each other. Instead of helping each other ,we get jealous and bring each other down. I too am afraid that one day when my bf and I get married my sils and his family will feel the same way as your in laws as my family is more welcoming. We see them once a week or so, sometimes twice a month (we aren’t even married) but his sils would sometimes make comments about me and my bf, saying that they don’t see us enough and that they may one day forget us. Who says that kind of stuff??
It is rude and it wasn’t cute or funny. I’m much closer to my family because even if we cannot make it to something they won’t get mad at us. But when we say no to his family, his family would make small comments. Sorry, I’m in similar boat and I just hate to see someone else like that too!!!
Post # 14
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
Sadly, my mother is like this with regards to my SIL. She automatically ‘blames’ SIL when my brother and her do something that my mother doesn’t like. I’ve pointed out to her ad nauseaum that by doing so, she’s basically saying that she raised my brother to be weak willed and a doormat, and that reflects poorly on her.
My SIL actually turned down a very good job in my mother’s home city…this is the price my mother is paying for her inability to ‘let go’.
I feel like that’s not my problem – keep repeating this every time you feel upset about the situation, because you are right. It’s not your problem. Stop trying, stop caring…you don’t need to have a relationship with these people. It’s a bonus if you do, but it’s not essential. Stop letting their actions spoil your happiness.
As other posters have pointed out, they will soon realise the consequences of their actions when you have a baby. Your husband needs to point out to them that if they don’t act nice to the mother, they don’t get to have a relationship with their grandchildren.
Post # 15
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
Things like Mother-In-Law giving the silent treatment and SIL leaving nasty voicemails… I’m assuming you know about these things because DH tells you? If this isn’t going to get sorted out, maybe he should avoid letting you know when they’re being like that if all it serves to do is make you feel bad? Obviously you’ll need to know if there’s a family event or something on and you’ll have to see them, but the rest of the time maybe ignorance is bliss?