My inlaws are concerned that i dont help enough with our newborn

posted 2 weeks ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Maple_07 :  I think your husband needs to find another outlet to vent to, if this is how they react. I mean, we all need to vent when it comes to stressful situations. You’re venting here, your husband vents to his parents. 

But they seem a bit OTT, so I think he should recognise that and maybe step away a bit. They really don’t have any right to be butting in like this.

You can’t control their behaviour, but you can control how much they know.

Post # 3
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

Maple_07 :  Quite frankly, he should be doing more of the work (It should not be 50-50). Likely you are still healing and possibly also breastfeeding. Also, you should communicate to your husband that when he vents to his parents about you, it affects your relationship with them.

Post # 4
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I would step back from seeing them for a bit. This oversharing sh*t is not on, and god knows as the mother you are already likely to do far far far more than your fair share, a night or two here or there where the small ratio of caring is slightly more in your husband’s favour is not likely to make up for the lifetime of (likely) work you will be doing compared to your husband. Particularly if you’re breastfeeding. Would he like it if you were telling your friends every detail of your marriage? Particularly the things that would potentially look pretty bad? Of course not… I am very close with my parents but I would never tell them any of the bad stuff in my marriage, because that stuff always blows over but my parents would likely not forget any of it… The newborn stage is TOUGH, the last thing you need is your in laws chipping in with anything negative – look after yourself and your baby FIRST, they can back off until they’ve got something nice to say. Harumph! (says the mum of a 9 month old)

Post # 5
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Um….your husband should be letting you sleep as much as possible. You’re not even physically healed from giving birth yet! Of course it’s okay for him to vent about how hard the newborn stage is, but he should find someone else to vent to. A friend or sibling who also has kids, an online forum like weddingbee, or somewhere else safe. It’s completely inappropriate for your ILs to say anything about your parenting, especially so soon after birth. 

Post # 6
Member
5766 posts
Bee Keeper

Your husband is out of line. His oversharing is damaging your relationship with his parents. Tell him that. He needs to find a different outlet–an online forum, or a therapist–someone not involved in your relationship. 

Post # 7
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

anonymousbee001 :  wtf? Yes, it should be 50/50, because that is how this works as parents. Just because he wasn’t the one to birth the baby doesn’t put him on the hook to do it all. Sleeping until 4, and then pulling a 1 hour shift, and rolling out of bed around 8am (or later) to take a shower, does make it seem like her husband is doing more and having longer nights than she is. Judging by that alone I highly doubt she is nursing because a 4 week old would be eating every 2 to 3 hours or more. Taking a shower with a 4 week old, even when I didn’t have other kids yet, was not something that happened routinely when I woke up or when I wanted.

It sounds like you have a very hands on husband. Sit down and communicate with him, because otherwise resentment is going to plant it’s roots. 4 weeks out, its 50/50. He clearly feels like he is doing more and you’re sleeping right through it.

Post # 9
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

sf618b :  I wasn’t suggesting he should “do it all”, but at this stage he should have the perspective of doing more than 50%, because even if she isn’t breastfeeding, she is still healing. Plus, it will take longer for her to bounce back career-wise, both due to the physical trauma and the societal perspective. Also, I don’t think there is sufficient evidence to say definitively that she isn’t breastfeeding. She may have pumped or they may be partially formula feeding.

More generally, I don’t believe it’s healthy to think that relationships should always be 50-50, across all time. Sometimes it’s 40-60, and sometimes 80-20, because there will be periods of time when one partner needs more support. 

Post # 10
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I have two kids and I’m pregnant with our third. I can tell you- it gets harder, and easier. Your relationship will continue to be tested, and your in laws can think whatever they want-  it’s really about you and your husband and how you navigate raising your kiddos. There are nights where I’m like a zombie- and literally cannot get up with the kids. The there are times when my husband is in that boat, and I’m on kid duty. At the end of the day, it all comes out in the wash. Tell your husband to quit griping to his parents and understand that the art of parenting is navigating that fine line between utter insanity brought on by lack of sleep and the tiny terrorist in your house, and pure joy and unfiltered love from that same little person. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Maple_07 :  you have  a husband problem more than anything..I would not tolerate him venting about me/our life to his parents or other family.   Period.

Post # 12
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

That is very annoying that his parents are trying to make you feel bad and giving their unsolicited advice. You are both doing your best (from the way you describe) and I consider those first few months a nightmare. Its survival mode as they say. 

Your husband does need to quit complaining to both sides since now his parents think you are not doing your fair share and you are upset with them because he told you what they said. I always find if you need to vent about your spouse, do it to someone who is more impartial (which tends to not be parents). They take the hurt/anger and make it their own.

 

Post # 14
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee

Hopefully your husband learned his lesson but it’s a shame it was at your expense.  I’d be more annoyed with him than the ILs. He needs to stop complaining and suck it up. This is life with an infant. Deal.

Post # 15
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

Maple_07 :  Sorry – I didn’t mean to dwell on whether you breastfeed or not – the argument holds regardless. I was only suggesting that sf618b‘s logic was flawed.

 

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