My inlaws are concerned that i dont help enough with our newborn

posted 5 months ago in Parenting
Post # 46
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2019

 oh god! I knew that inlaws in many cases are not very kind and welcoming for new family members, but I didn’t think it’s that bad… How can they blame you? They now just his point of view and of course they love their son and want to help him and to see him happy. But that doesn’t mean that you are a problem! Or that a problem is in you. 

Post # 47
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

To everyone who says the poster can sleep during the day while her husband is working…yeah, that happens in an ideal world. In the real world there is still laundry, cleaning, cooking, personal care etc that needs to be done. It is so draining caring for a baby all day. I remember my first day back to work after maternity leave and while I missed my baby like crazy, I kind of basked in only having my job to do. It felt like a vacation. Let the poor woman sleep if she needs to sleep. Parenting is a tag team effort…she tagged her husband in last night and he will tag her in when he needs her. 

Post # 48
Member
7457 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Maple_07 :  if your husband needs his family to vent to he needs to make it clear that those conversations are private. NEWBORNS ARE HARD. Vaginal, c-section, nursing, pumping, formula, working outside the home, not working outside the home WHATEVER your situation is the simple fact is that newborns are hard. You and your husband seem to have a workable system and sometimes you just get tired. It will not be 50/50 every day and it shouldn’t be. 

One of the best things for our marriage was stacked parental leave. It really gave us insight into what it’s like to be the SAH parent vs the working parent. When you’re at work all day it’s easy to think that the other person at home has it easy and can do housework and sleep. And some days you can! But other days you get to 5pm and don’t really know what happened but at least you kept the kid alive.  And then when you are home you think what a vacation being at the office must be – your partner out there using their brain, talking to adults, taking bathroom breaks alone, using two hands to eat a meal. They’ve got the life! And then you swap and realize that it’s just all hard.

Momma you’re doing great. Your husband is doing great. Some bees have given helpful advice on increasing your milk supply (because sleeping through the night won’t help, sorry), but honestly if breastfeeding isn’t important to you then screw it! Sleep and give the kid formula. You need to put on your oxygen mask first. And that includes a daily shower if that’s what you need to feel human! Your in-laws need to take a step back and give you the space you need or learn to be helpful without being judgmental. 

Post # 49
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I can’t believe all the flack you’re getting here. This was ONE NIGHT where you happened to sleep more and not be up at your normal time. ONE NIGHT! It’s not like this happens every day. Are you not allowed to have an off day? I know I sure as hell did in the newborn stage. That shit is tough!

Both you and your husband are still in survival mode. Newborns are hard work and when you’re sleep deprived everything seems even worse. I think, when you’re feeling less heated, it would be a good idea to talk to your husband about what you’ve said here. I think the main issue is that you feel like you don’t have much of a support system by you right now. I’m sure that’s difficult. Also, while it’s great that your husband stuck up for you, it was not something he needed to even mention to you in the first place. It just adds stress onto your already overloaded plate. 

Also, I’m only mentioning this because you said you liked breastfeeding, have you tried working with a lactation consultant? When my son was about 2 weeks old we had one come to the house and help me. I was super frustrated because it didn’t seem like he was getting enough milk and I didn’t know why/what I was doing wrong. His latch seemed off and nothing I did was working. Well, the lactation consultant came and totally turned things around! I was basically holding my boob and his head the wrong way so he was struggling to latch on properly. After her visit, my son nursed like a champ! Without her help I’m sure I would’ve stopped breastfeeding. But my son and I were able to go 10 1/2 months! So just something to consider. 

Best of luck to you! 

 

Post # 50
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Your husband needs to find another way to vent. Bringing in-laws into your home like that is such a detailed way will not turn out well for the both of you in the long run.

Post # 51
Member
7862 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Some of these comments are truly ridiculous. You just gave birth and you have to care for the baby all day while your husband is at work. He should be getting up in the night to care for the baby, FFS. Caring for a newborn is a 24/7 job and it is HARDER than going to a “regular” job every day. Doesn’t matter if you’re breastfeeding or not. 

Not to mention, your husband doesnt even seem to resent taking the late night shift…it sounds like he’s just tired and a bit frazzled as ALL new parents are, and he vented to his parents, who then blew it out of proportion and started meddling in your marriage. That’s the real issue. 

ETA: When our baby was a newborn, dh went back to work immediately cause he had no leave. He still took the first night shift (10pm-3am) every night for the first five or six weeks until our baby started sleeping longer stretches. He did that because he coudl tell I was about to lose the plot from sleep deprivation, hormones, and everything else that comes with being freshly postpartum, and because it’s his damn baby too.

Post # 52
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maple_07 :  As someone who recently came off maternity leave I can honestly say having a newborn is hard and balancing out who does more….the working spouse or the one on leave who is healing was a major challenge. If your husband is venting to his parents and telling you what he said and what they said…..it sounds to me like maybe your husband does have an issue with it . Other wise why tell you what his parents said? Maybe he thinks if he tells you what his parents said that is easier then him saying it himself to you? I dont know your husband …its just a thought.  Honestly it doenst matter what anyone else thinks ….you and your husband need to come to an agreement on who does what. If he is truly ok with it..  then he does need to speak up to his parents and let them know just because he had a rough night with the baby doesnt mean you arent pulling your weight!! Good luck and I get that your dh needs to vent but maybe he should tell a friend instead of his parents.  You guys dont need family drama.  You are both doing a great job! Things will get easier . Both of you should give yourselves a break! Newborns are hard for sure!

Post # 53
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

Maple_07 : Let your Darling Husband know how you feel about it, and that venting to them is fine, but to an extent. Let him know that they should know its not cool to pop up and have these judgements on you. 

Talk to him about it, like soon. Being that im also a person that is terrible with lying or showing a fake smile, I would have to have a talk with my SO so that there is no obvious problems or resentment later. 

 

 

Post # 54
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

Hunnibee88 :  she’s caring for a baby all day. She may not be getting a paycheque, but she’s working. It’s hard as hell to navigate being a new parent while healing and taking care of the bulk of the home-life. I’m far more exhausted now as a Stay-At-Home Mom than I ever was in any of the fields I worked in (no, this may not be the case for everyone but it’s not for you or anyone to dictate to her how she feels).

The idea that she should shoulder more of the parenting because he’s working outside of the home is ridiculous. This attitude is why so many mothers burn out and crash. She deserves sleep, her husband willingly helps with the night-shifts (as he should), and her in-laws are being nosey, judgmental, unsupportive a-holes. 

OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this crap. Your in-laws have every right to worry about their son, sure, but it’s completely ignorant and inappropriate to chastise you to him or anyone else. They can be worried about him being burnt out without putting blame on you. He’s tired because he’s a new dad, it’s not because his wife isn’t doing all of the child-rearing 100% by herself. I’m glad he defended you, but they seriously need to back off. This is just a shit way to treat anyone, especially a new parent. You’re doing a great job, mama. 

Post # 55
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I can’t believe some of these comments. It is not the mom’s job or the stay at home parent’s job to care for the baby all night. Everyone deserves to sleep at night and the OP discussed ONE night and specifically said it’s not the same every night. I stay at home and hell no was I doing everything at night when my son was a newborn. I didn’t get to just nap during the day because he had to be held to nap, I had to clean, shower, cook, etc. – plus a nap is not the same as night time sleep. If I stay at home and get up all night, my job is literally 24/7. The husband gets to sleep undisturbed and then go escape from newborn hell for 8-9 hours a day where he gets to talk to adults, take a lunch break, and pee without a baby attached to him? Ahahah, I don’t think so. 

Post # 56
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve napped when my now four month old napped in the day. Two of those times I was sick, and we’re talking about a 30 minute power nap. I’m amazed at the people suggesting this is something you can easily achieve when you’re the only parent home, particularly in the early weeks. I’m sure some can, but I can tell you no one in my mothers group are getting naps on a regular basis.

Post # 57
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Ugh, I’m sorry you’re getting told you’re not doing enough. That is some BS. 

Somewhat of a tangent, but I just wanted to say that I hate the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” crap. It works in theory, but it means that you never get any time for yourself, which is totally necessary for mental health. 

Post # 58
Member
7862 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

tastastic :  I also have a four month old, and I also never have napped, not even when she was a newborn. Not even cause I’m so busy or anything…it’s just stressful trying to take a nap when you’re on edge waiting for your baby to wake up at any moment. Anytime I try I lay down and immediately and am thinking, “OK FALL ASLEEP FAST, HURRY UP, SHE’S GONNA WAKE UP SOON, FALL ASLEEP DAMNIT!!!” and it just fails.

Also anyone who’s ever told me to “sleep when baby sleeps” has followed that up by saying they never could. sooo …yeah.

Post # 59
Member
672 posts
Busy bee

Holy mom shaming – good grief, I’m pretty sure some of these comments just set the women’s movement back 40 years. OP – I feel you, I get some of the same comments from my mom sometimes – ok, a lot. Darling Husband puts our now 15 month old to bed every night and I sit back and relax or do what I feel I need to do. If our son doesn’t go down easy and cries, my mom will insist that i go and takeover. When i would tell my mom about rough nights she’d respond with I can’t believe you let Darling Husband wake up with the baby – he has to work don’t you know. When I went back to work and Darling Husband was off, she insisted that I still did night wakes because the baby missed me. I love my mom dearly but my partner and I chose to have this baby together and he is 50% responsible for helping out. If I continually stepped in, his relationship with our son would be no where near where it is today. Your husband needs to vent (as do you) so if you’re unable to let his parents comments roll off your back then I would talk to him about venting to someone else. Just know though, their comments are from a different time with different norms, it is in no way of indicating who you are as a parent – so even if your husband stops venting their views will likely not change. If anything you should be proud that you and your hubby are breaking such norms and setting out a positive example for your litttle one.

Post # 60
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

“The idea that she should shoulder more of the parenting because he’s working outside of the home is ridiculous””

The idea that he should have to work all day and come home and get up to a baby all night is just ridiculous.  She can sleep till any time during the day to make up for lost sleep overnight.  He cannot.

“It’s not for you or anyone to dictate to her how she feels).”

If you read my response,  I told her that I wouldn’t do that (and I didn’t do that) and that if her husband were my son,  I would not be happy about his situation. That’s not dictating how she should feel. 

carowl :  

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