My inlaws are concerned that i dont help enough with our newborn

posted 2 months ago in Parenting
Post # 91
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Maple_07 :  If your ILs have all this free time to call your house and drop by unannounced to “check up” on you, then they have time to help you with the baby.  If they’re so concerned that you’re making their poor son take care of both of your newborn, then they can lend a helping hand instead of being all judgy and making these useless “check in” calls.  That way, both you and your husband can relax.  Sheesh. 

I would talk to your husband about this.  Is he okay with his parents coming over, unannounced, and not helping and passing judgment onto you?  You’re his wife.   He needs to think about you, the mother of his child.  I don’t think it’s your place to tell your ILs to butt out of your lives, but your husband definitely can.  He also needs to stop venting to his parents.  That’s what friends and coworkers are for.   

Post # 92
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

echomomm :  I dunno i definitely think what her in laws said about her is her business considering it eas literally said about her. I would be pissed if my fiance purposely withheld info that his parents said about me in order to “protect” them from me getting mad at them. Not to mention her in laws are only getting one side of the story. I feel like they should realize there are 2 sides to every story. I would be missed at my husband for venting and painting me in a negative light to his parents but also at my in laws for jumping to conclusions. I hate when parents automatically think the light shines out of their childs ass and they can do no wrong. Especially their grown child. My parents will definitely tell me if I’m in the wrong about something…

Post # 93
Member
1862 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Hunnibee88 :  your advice is rich coming from someone who thinks all her husband is good for is mowing the lawn…. I cant imagine that view working for the majority of marriages..

 

Post # 94
Member
591 posts
Busy bee

OP, could you talk to your husband about setting boundaries with your in laws? It is not acceptable or appropriate for them to micromanage you and check up on you to ensure you are doing enough. That is SO damaging to your self esteem as a new mom. You need support, not criticism.

Tell your husband how you feel and hopefully you can set some boundaries with them such as no more surprise visits- they must call ahead and get your approval first. No exceptions. And if they don’t, then don’t let them in lol.

And honestly, like PP mentioned if they have the time to stop by, then THEY can watch the baby for a few hours while you shower, nap, get out of the house for a bit, etc. Put them to work!

Post # 95
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Hunnibee88 :   except it isn’t her Mils business to get involved with her grown ads son’s married affairs. It isn’t for her to have an opinion on keep it to herself. Her son is a grown married man too old for mommy to be fighting his battles or playing mediator. Time for mommy to cut the cord. Who the he’ll are you to throw judgment at this new mom.

Post # 96
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

missviolet92 :  but it isn’t mils place to get involved with their marriage. That is the point people are missing. Whether he always gets up with the baby and she sleeps everyday until noon isn’t the point mommy shouldn’t be butting into her grown married sons relationship. I feel like we are back in 2nd grade where a mother’s child got into a fight with another child and mommy has to mediate

Post # 97
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

zzar45 :  because it isn’t the mother’s business to get involved or get in other people’s married business

Post # 98
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Maple_07 :  do you have any friends you could vent to?

Post # 99
Member
4504 posts
Honey bee

Any updates? Did he say he would limit venting? And can you not answer the door when they “stop by” because it’s actually realistic that you don’t hear the doorbell when you’re oh I don’t know vacuuming? 

Post # 100
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

carolinabelle :  Shes implying that she can nap when the baby naps. She has the opportunity to. Her husband cannot nap at work if he is tired. If this is the situation…and I didn’t go through the last 7 pages to check. If he is working 9 to 5, yeah he can get up once.

I was one of the first females who said it sounded like he was doing more. I agree with those who say his parents need to butt out and he needs to keep his marriage between himself and his wife. 

If they are both on family leave, its 50/50 24/7. Thats for them to work out. If they both work full time, its 50/50, especially if the kid is in daycare all day. Her having a vagina and birthing the kid doesn’t mean the kid is only her responsibility if she is working just as much as him in a career every day.

I am a stay at home mom and have been for the duration of my marriage. My oldest is 10. I am about to have #4. That said, if I wake up my husband for night feeds when he is working 90 to 100 hours a week after his paternity leave is over, because “work is not an excuse not to help”, then I’m a fucking bitch, my words and my opinion not his. So my husband works from 430am to 930pm 7 days a week…I should still get him up? No, I shouldn’t. That’s ridiculous. And he TELLS ME to wake him up to help, but that is CRUEL, because I can nap when my toddler and baby nap and he is barely getting any sleep and has to do a pretty demanding job outside of this house to support our family! My job IS the family. I can be a sloppy exhausted mess and no one is going to fire me or reprimand me. 

OP, tell your in laws to butt out or help, and tell your husband to cut the verbal diarrhea to his parents. Obviously their perspective is going to be skewed coming from him so he needs to cut the shit and they need to either stfu or come help themselves. Only you know if your situation is 50/50 and that’s how it should be. What I see as an issue is that HE SEEMS TO FEEL it is not. He should be communicating that to you, not to his damn parents.

Post # 101
Member
7690 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sf618b :  jeez, that is extreme…I guess your husband is a doctor in his residency or something?

OP has clarified that her husband is on a sort of paternity leave at the moment and is only working 3-4 hrs per day.

Post # 102
Member
1928 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Um yeah my husband works a normal job and neither of us think im a “fucking bitch” when he gets on baby monitor duty at 5 am. He helped make the baby, he wanted the baby, he helps take care of the baby. Even when it’s inconvenient.

And seriously, let’s be real, the “sleep when the baby sleeps” stuff is such bullshit! First off, I envy those who can take a 20-30 minute nap immediately on demand. Second, that advice is great as long as you don’t have to eat, wash bottles, feed pets, do laundry, etc etc. 

OP, I would ask your husband to assure his parents that you two are jointly and willingly sharing baby duties, and that they should refrain from further commentary. And to STFU about it to them in the future. If he’s not willing to do that, then you have a husband problem, not an IL problem.

Post # 103
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

sf618b : Lots of female executives work 80-100 hours a week and still come home and care for their children – without their husbands referring themselves as assholes. If the roles were reversed, OPs situation would have little to no controversy at all. I did work on large project when DS was little, 80+ hours a week and still managed to help out with the feeds so Darling Husband could have some relief – after all he did spend all day being a single parent – just because he can go without a shower for 4-days and not get fired from being dad doesn’t mean I think it’s mentally healthy for him to do so. To help, I would wake up early to get work done and if DS woke up, I’d feed him and put him back to sleep without waking up Darling Husband. Obviously there are exceptions, like those who have partners that are doctors, nurses, pilots, drivers etc. and need to be alert for their jobs for safety reasons but even with that, using a 12-hour sleep frame, a person could get 8-hours of sleep and still take 1-feed either before they sleep or when they wake up to help out if their partner needs it. It’s good that you and your partner found your 50/50 and are striving to work towards it. Darling Husband and I use the getting to 50/50 principles in our household. 

tiffanybruiser : “this whole idea that a man gets a free pass on caring for the baby cause he works out of the house is so archaic and frankly belittling toward men” This right here, +10000! After taking pat leave Darling Husband has started being very open about how we need to expect dads to do more and that dads need to do and be better. He thinks it’s disgraceful how little society demands of dads when it comes to raising children. Hearing OPs full story and then hearing her MIL’s attitude just re-enforces how so many people out there still believe dads are incapable of caring for their own children to the same extent as a mom.

Post # 104
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - City, State

I think you need to set some boundaries with your husband. Your in-laws may be labelling you as lazy (which is ridiculous, you’ve just had a baby) but it was your husband who put that idea into their head. No offence intended, but I’d find it weird if my OH decided to share every little detail with his parents. If he has an issue, he should be discussing it with you, not them.

Post # 105
Member
4645 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

soexcited123 : because it isn’t the mother’s business to get involved or get in other people’s married business

The mother isn’t getting involved in their marriage and frankly OP’s husband in general IS the mothers business because he is her son.  You have really bizarre and rigid views of how you think spouse and family relationships should go so I don’t expect anything different from you. 

Coming to the house several times a day is overstepping but I don’t think what he confided in them was a problem at all, it doesn’t sound like anything was directed AT op. 

I stick to my original point that I don’t think people would be so extreme in their views if this was the new mom complaining to her mom about being tired and the newborn being difficult. 

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