- 7 years ago
So I just talked to Darling Husband who is staying home with my son for the summer until he returns to teaching in September. He said that my Mother-In-Law came over today and is watching my son while my husband gets things done around the house. She dropped off our lawn mower and Darling Husband is working on getting the last bit of carpet up in our hallway.
I’m so mad that she is there with my son and I’m stuck at work.
We’ve always gotten along well while Darling Husband and I dated and planned our wedding. She is a very high strung person, always doing something. But she and my Father-In-Law are nice, good people and are so generous to us and love us so much. We stay at my in laws many weekends because Darling Husband works pt for his father. My Brother-In-Law and SIL are there often too. They just got married and don’t have their own place yet.
The issues started when I was pregnant. Little things got on my nerves, nothing really specific though. Then we had a debate over the pack n play she got for us to use with DS when we were at their house. It wasn’t a fight or anything. I mentioned moving the bed in our room to make room for the pack n play. She said it should stay in the living room. I calmly, in conversation, stated that it needed to be in my room. I needed to feed him often during the night and it was too loud during the day and evening for him to take naps or fall asleep while we were still awake. She made several comments to SIL about how I would lock DS and myself in the room and she’d never see us. SIL told me about it, but I dropped it and just moved it in the room.
Then I was induced. I went in at 7 am and she and Father-In-Law were there by noon. After I asked them time after time to not come until we called. She was in my room for a while, but they waited at the hospital in the waiting room all night while I was in labor, until I had DS at 6am the next morning. Nothing like being on the clock right? All I needed to hear (constantly) was how awful it was listening to me in labor and how they thought i was dying and how they were sure I’d be wheeled off for a C-Section any minute the entire time I was pushing. The nurses had to yell at Mother-In-Law to get away from my room because she kept trying to listen and peek in while I was pushing DS out. She didn’t say anything to me, but she was really upset that I had my step mom there with Darling Husband for extra support for me. Almost immediately after DS was born, she swiped him from Darling Husband and held him. Darling Husband and I had both held him already, but my step mom had been there for 24 hours, she held my leg while I was pushing, and was at my beck and call, and she hadn’t even held him yet. We wanted to bond with him for a few hours first.
Now that DS is here, she makes comments, talking to DS in a really high pitched baby talk. Like “is mommy torturing you” when I was changing his onesie, or “did mommy forget to put pants on you, you are sooo cold!” He was a couple weeks old when she came to visit at our house and DS was sleeping. I transfered him to her still asleep and SHE WOKE HIM UP! On purpose! She actively spent 20 minutes shifting him and talking to him to wake him up so she could “see his eyes”. I didn’t say anything because I knew I’d be too emotional to stay calm. I was angrily texting my SIL. (Although now I am very clear about what he needs and sticking with it! No solids yet, not being woken up, going to bed when I say rather than keeping him up late so MIL/FIL can see him more). She is so overstimulating to DS that he can only handle being with her for short periods of time before he fusses. She says that “it doesn’t matter if he cries” but damn it, stop making him cry by doing things he doesn’t like!
I know she loves him and us! I know she doesn’t mean to upset me and probably has no idea how the things she’s said have affected me. I feel like all of these little things have added up and while i don’t mind being around her, I find myself getting so angry when she even goes near my son. I still pass DS to her as often as I can make myself do it, but I don’t like it. I’m angry that she just showed up while I’m at work today. Even though I know she just wants to see her grandson, and help Darling Husband, she had to take time off work to do it and I feel like she’s sneaking in time with him while I’m at work. I don’t know how to stop getting so angry with her about DS. She is not someone I can talk to about this stuff. She’d get extremely upset and offended and Darling Husband would kill me if I said anything. Mainly because she doesn’t intend for anything she says or does to be upsetting to me, and she does so much for us. Darling Husband is on my side with somethings, like the pack n play being in our room, but he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do. He sees how I can happily pass DS over to my parents, but get protective of him around his mom, and doesn’t think I’m being fair.
I’m mostly just venting, but I guess I’d also like some advice on what I can do to change my perspective, or at least advice on how I can deal with my feelings, while not distancing myself from her or creating tension.
I can’t talk to her and Darling Husband won’t either. He is on my side for most things, but obviously doesn’t understand why I get so possessive and protective of DS around her.
This is something I have to deal with on my own. And maybe there isn’t anything I can do. But I would like it if when Darling Husband says that my Mother-In-Law stopped by, I could be happy about it instead of angry and jealous. I’m not that way with anyone else but her. Before DS, we really did get along well, and still do. I work hard to engage in conversation and to not let myself be passive aggressive, which I know I can be. Ultimately I don’t trust her with him. I would never leave him alone with her, and I don’t trust her to respect my role as his mother and the decision maker (with Darling Husband of course). I don’t know why, or how I can fix it.