(Closed) My last post….(warning: not a happy post)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@likelimeade:  I read the book, the movie was okay but eh, I also saw the episode in Sex and the City it was in, it was funny.  

Good luck to OP sounds like she went on her gut instinct and thats what you have to do sometimes.

Post # 33
Member
2949 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@endofmyrope:  I’m really sorry it turned out this way for you but I do sincerely wish you all the best for the future. Like some of the other PPs have said, it sounds like you did what you believed was best for you and good on you for following through you with your gut instinct. You know your relationship and your boyfriend better than we do.

Post # 34
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I don’t think he was very kind in how he said it, but he has the right to chose his future and he does not want to get married right now, just like he can’t force you to not want to get married and stick around. There is nothing to “figure out” or decode when it comes to guys, just listen and he’ll tell you– and from what I hear he is not ready. I have been in your shoes and remember how angry I was, I don’t think I have been as angry in my life as I was with him when he wouldn’t want to discuss marriage.  

My advice:  don’t stand around sounding like a broken record.  He got it, you want to married, and now you should get it that he doesn’t want to get married.  So now what?  Stick around and get over that fact that you cannot control what someone choses for their life, or leave because you want something different for yours. 

 

Post # 35
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@endofmyrope:  not to be a B$%(^ but guys work differently than us. Demanding things before their ready will always make them defensive. It would make anyone defensive, But ikt’s your life, best wishes for your life

Post # 36
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you. We weren’t there for the fight so we cant judge. But if you feel he isnt going to propose ever and is dragging his feet for no good reason – leave!

You need to make yourself happy and move forward with your life.

I do hope that he comes to his senses about how selfish he was being – 9 years is such a long time!

Post # 37
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

You are doing the right thing by moving out and getting your own apartment. If after 9 years he still isn’t ready, then when the hell will he be? He wants to be in control of when it happens and it be his thing? Fine! You are in control too and can take it or leave it! I dated a guy for seven years and over and over again he kept telling me we would get married in a year or six months, etc etc. Finally, I had had enough and broke up with him.  And a couple of months later, there he was with a ring, begging me to take him back and telling me that he should have done it years ago…. Only I was done. And I had met someone else and was much happier! 9 years is PLENTY of time to figure out whether or not you want to marry someone. At LEAST move out and get a place of your own. Screw him!

 

Post # 38
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@CupcakeLove:  I do hope that he comes to his senses about how selfish he was being – 9 years is such a long time!

I agree.  He gets to “do things his way” in a reasonable time frame.  To me, nine years is NOT a reasonable time frame, and more importantly, it sounds like it’s not to the OP either.  She has already compromised her standards for him, moving in with the expectation to be engaged within a year, a deadline that seems to have come and gone, then compromising again that she’d stay if he would at least set a time line…the OP needs to start standing up for herself.

Post # 39
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t understand this!

Ok, you’ve been together for 9 years?  you love him?  i’m sure, if he’s been with you 9 years, he loves you too? 

At this point, what does it matter if you get married or not? or when?  i mean, don’t you love him enough to just be with him anyway? 

I love my Fiance, and he’s the one for me, he proposed after 2 and a half years, which was unexpected to me, but even if he hadn’t of, or we went another 4, 5, 9 years without being engaged, i would never leave him.   I love him and want to be with him anyway.  

i guess most girls consider it a deal breaker, i just don’t get why. 

Post # 40
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Nine years is too long to wait for anything. You are right to move out.

Post # 41
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

@RockStar33:  i guess most girls consider it a deal breaker, i just don’t get why.

  • Some people want kids and feel that being married is the “right” thing to do
  • Some people think that getting married will validate the relationship
  • some people think enough is enough (of waiting) 9 years was too long for her
  • When someone starts saying “it’s my way or the highway” it’s time to re-think the couple thing because one person isn’t in the couple mood anymore!

Post # 42
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry but 9 YEARS! I’ve been with my JUST RECENTLY Fiance for 5 years. And my shit went crazy at 4 years. But 9! If he doesn’t know by now and is holding CONTROL and a reason for not being enegaged, then you will run into a lot of issues once you are married. He will hold control over you with either money, kids, or some other serious issue. Don’t waist your life with people who don’t want to be your partner, you’re better than that.

Post # 43
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Noone is right or wrong in this situation and noone should ever be forced into doing something they don’t want to (forcing someone into proposing when they are not ready could see the demise of the relationship with bottled up feelings of being pressured whether it be 2 months away of 3 years after you marry).

If the actual institution of being married is more important to you than having the man you love in your life then yes you should leave. But please do not blame your FI- it is your decision to leave or wait.  Same as it is his decision as to get married or not. people reach life milestones at different rates- there is no right or wrong.

I also don;t get the attitude of he is a selfish bastard for not wanting to get married yet! Couldn’t the flipside of that also be that someone who wants to get married when their partner doesn’t want to and is pressing for that even though the partner has made it clear they aren’t ready a bastard? There are two people in a relationship and both their needs have to be met!

I say you need to have an open, calm and honest talk with your partner and see if your plans for the future align. If not then yes for the sake of both of you the relationship should end.

Post # 44
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m having mixed feelings about this.  I do agree the 9 years is a long time but if you’re not ready, you are just not ready.   A coworker and I had a conversations about this the other day and he said if certain aspects of his life weren’t in order, he would not propose to anyone.  Some people want to be financial capable of taking care of their family before they get married, be able to afford a certain lifesytle before they get married.  A lot of things come into play.   How does he treat you?  You could meet a man and he proposes to you in less than 2 years and he treats you like crap.   I don’t think marriage is the sort of thing you give someone a timeline/ultimatum on.

I think you guys need to have a heart to heart and see if you guys want the same things in life.  Good luck and Hope everything works out for the Best.

Post # 45
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, I waited nearly 10 years for my Fiance to propose. I did have a drunken snotty cry at one point asking him if the reason he hadn’t asked was because he didn’t want to marry me, but I’d never have set an ultimatum for him, and I certainly wouldn’t have left him if he genuinely felt marriage wasn’t for him (but I still was, if you see what I mean!).  The very fact that you’re leaving such a long-term relationship because of this suggests to me the relationship isn’t right, so I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 46
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i hope after you’re leaving him, he begin to FULLY UNDERSTAND that he’s really losing you… and missing you so much… and asking you to be back to him by asking you to marry him… Cry i’m so sorry for you… everything’s gonna be okay, honey… i know you put your hope on him, and you love him so much, i think he loves you too, eventhough i don’t know how deep his love is… i really hope everything turns out right for you… and wish you the best…

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