My less than ideal pregnancy

posted 2 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Hostess
8492 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

I am so sorry bee. The whole thing sounds so upsetting, finding out about the twin, being a special for people to gawp at and get “excited” about and then hurtful comments from your family. It’s disgraceful. 

Post # 18
Member
6238 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Once you know it’s there and that it could have been a baby, of course you’re going to be upset. You now have to consider that had something happened differently,  you would have been a twin parent and what that would have looked like.  You also are continuing on through your pregnancy knowing it’s there and having doctors treat it as an interesting learning experience like they found a cool rock or something. That’s really difficult and I know it can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you since as mothers, we assume everything is our fault.

 

I didn’t have an archaic twin, but I did have a medically complicated twin pregnancy. Both of my kids had brain cysts and heart spots that were markers for genetic diseases, and then my daughter was born with an “oddity” congenital defect too, and one that affected her face at that. None of the doctors I took her to in NYC would have done her surgery before. They said it’s one in the millions and there were fewer than 50 reported cases in the world in the last 100 years. Everywhere I went with her the doctors would call others into the room so they could have a chance to see it in person. It’s really rough to be treated as a test subject and it can really pull back the curtain on something that’s supposed to be really magical. 

Post # 19
Member
6285 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

boredtodeath182 :  Omg, darling.  I am so so sorry…. Just reading about the description, my heart dropped.  I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I cannot believe those comments you’re getting.  I don’t know you, but I can only imagine the conflicting feelings you have.  I really hope you can take care of yourself during this time.  Thinking of you <3

Post # 21
Member
9422 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow I have no advice but I’m sorry people have been so rude to you. What a bunch of assholes.

I’d take a huge step back from your Mother-In-Law. Take care of yourself.

Post # 22
Member
6238 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

boredtodeath182 :  wow how dismissive! And it really makes it so much worse that your SIL keeps preaching about them 

Post # 23
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Oh bee I’m so sorry 🙁 This isn’t some genetic abnormality that you can just cut ties with – this is your baby, and it’s a loss. No mother should ever have to go through what you are going through. You will also look at your healthy baby and remember this twin often for the rest of your life. That’s not something people should even be able to remotely shrug off.

I just can’t imagine. 

Post # 25
Member
2503 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry. You must be feeling such a complicated mix of things right now. Dealing with the loss of one baby while still carrying another, plus having to give birth to both and deal with all the extra medical procedures and be treated like an oddity… it sounds like a lot for anyone to deal with. It makes it even worse that you’re not getting support from those around you. No advice really, but sending hugs and wanting you to know whatever you’re feeling and experiencing is valid. 

Post # 26
Member
7879 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

boredtodeath182 :  I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and that your family is being so heartless. One thing I would make sure to plan ahead with your doctor is who (and how many people) will be allowed in the delivery room. Just because you’re a “medical oddity” doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings! I googled your condition and that’s going to be tough. I think you should talk with your doctor and therapist about whether you want to see the twin or not, if you do whether you want a million people around or have a private moment to grieve, etc. So many hugs to you I can’t even imagine. 

Post # 27
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s still your baby, no matter what issues baby may have. I sympathize and understand how you must feel, I can’t imagine having to wrap my head around something like that and then the emotion of giving birth to your healthy baby but losing what is/could have been your second baby.

No advice but I’m sorry you’re going through this. Myself, personally, I would name the second twin and I would try to cherish this time I had with them. Even knowing I would eventually lose him/her I think it would help me to give my baby it’s own personhood – it’s not a medical oddity, or something to be studied, it’s my baby and it has a name and I would insist on that name being used. 

That may not be helpful to you but in your shoes I think that is how I would feel .

Post # 28
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

boredtodeath182 :  I’m sorry you’re going through this! 

I’ve found some links that could be relevant here: https://fetus.ucsf.edu/trap-sequence#a5 (under Support Groups & Other Resources). Some of them are more broad but some link descriptions specifically mention TRAP. 

I hope everything goes as well as it can from here on out! 

Post # 29
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

boredtodeath182 :  she definitely doesn’t seem to have a lot of awareness about this situation. I was hoping to see that she texted you to see how you were doing, that maybe she was concerned that she was being a bit insensitive and wanted you to know that she’s supportive of you.

But then I read that she messaged you to ask about the wait and to bitch about how long she’s been waiting

Those kinds of people can be the absolute worst, they can make you feel so completely alone

I hope you can find support outside of the family

Post # 30
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry Bee. 😢 

I found this list of possible support services in the US, presuming that’s where you are? One in particular, the TTTS foundation could be a good starting point? Hugs Bee.

 

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