cyntist: I have bought extra Vitamin D and Magnesium supplements, but I forget to take them each day! Thank you for the suggestion.
desertgirl: The pain of a due date is hard no matter what. My birthday is in 2 days and i’m not really ready for it. It’s just another day. My husband keeps saying that a due date is nothing… it means nothing.. Grady was born in June. September has no meaning anymore aside from my birthday. I keep telling myself that, but its really hard.
beachygirl1015: Thank you for sharing that dream, and its meaning. Sometimes i find myself wishing for a boy so that we can experience the life that we expected as the parents of a boy. But it feel like more of a replacement… i’m trying not to think that way though. We know that another baby will never replace Grady, he or she will just increase the love that we have. My heart needs to grow larger to make room. I hope that you are doing well!!
MrsAKSkier: I actually own that book, but I havent gotten to that part yet (spoiler alert!). It’s okay though, I don’t mind. I havent picked it up in over a year. I should find that section and read more about how she picks herself back up. My husband was re-explaning to my as he’s done several times how people lose children all the time. Especially in our grandparents time. You almost expected to lose some due to illnesses that were untreatable then. I feel like that generation is so strong. I want to be strong. I want to pick myself back up and keep going. I think i’ve been doing an okay job of it lately. I’ve been able to laugh, and see friends, and not cry everytime i see a baby. Small progres!
ann.reid.9277: Thank you for checking in on me. xo
Hi ladies. I haven’t written in a while. I guess I don’t have much of an excuse. I’ve wanted to write you all lately and let you know how things have been. I went back to work last week 8/24. I was so scared of how people might be acting, would there be a weirdness in the air? Some people gave condolences, some just said Welcome Back, some just flung themselves at me with hugs. It was really nice. I have a new boss, and a new desk, and I’m even in a different building than before. I am so glad for this. It’s sort of like a Fresh Start. I knew this boss before, she’s very sweet. Everyones been very sensitive to the situation. I have a small amount of work. nothing crazy. It’s the same things I was doing before… like riding a bike. It’s still weird to be unpacking my stuff when I should’ve been packing up to go on maternity leave soon. The routine has been okay though. Makes the days go by faster.
There have been a few pregnancy announcements lately, some from second time moms. It stings, but I’m trying to do like my Darling Husband says. Ignore… they dont mean anything. Nothing has changed for us since yesterday, or 2 minutes ago. I want what they have, the sadness and jealousy will eat me alive. I felt that jealousy while waiting to TTC, and while trying and failing… and now there is sadness attached. I am genuinely happy for them. I want to be that type of person. I’m eagerly awaiting when we get to bring our baby home. One day we will announce that we are pregnant, and someone will see it and maybe feel tha jealousy for some reason, and not know what our struggles are. We don’t know what others are facing. I’m trying to remember that too.
I have been exercising almost every other day. I have been eating well, and doing my yoga. Still no visible weight loss. I still look about 15 weeks pregnant which stinks. My Darling Husband and I went on a nice hike really early on saturday morning. We brought food and tea and coffee and ate it on the top of the mountain. We talked about maybe bringing a future child up there hiking with us. We talked to Grady. We asked him what he thought of that idea. We asked him if he liked the view as much we do. We asked him to talk to God and hold the rain off a bit longer so we could hike longer. The rain did hold off for the rest of the day. After we got back from hiking we visited Grady’s gravesite and planted some flowers. (picking out flowers from the garden center was emotional for me, my Darling Husband had to pick the flowers for me). We decided on Plumbago. Pretty green leaves and blue flowers (blue for boys, as my Darling Husband kept saying). In fall the flowers turn rusty orange and the leaves turn red. We have one in our front yard (a gift from my SIL), and we planted on in Grady’s butterfly garden in the backyard. Now he will have his own flowers (2 of them), and he’ll get to imagine our yard and be a part of that. My Darling Husband planted one, and I planted the other. Hopefully they survive. There has been drought-like conditions in NJ lately. We’ll visit them with some water soon. Planting the flowers helped us heal a little further. We like to do things for Grady. We try to treat him just like he’s still here. We buy him things, and make sure his space is all clean and neat, fun and colorful. We still need to design and order a headstone. But i think that will be a winter project, and have it installed in Spring.
We also ordered and planted a tree in our yard for Grady. The trees overlooking the cemetery are Black Locust trees. Since we added plumbagos from our yard, we wanted to take a bit of the cemetery home. After many days of research, we managed to find a nursery in Oregon that sells Frisia Black locust. They are the same type, frisia are just brighter green and don’t get as large (our property already has many large trees). After a few weeks, it finally arrived! It’s about 3 feet tall, it has the pretty lime green leaves. It will turn red in the fall too. I cannot wait to see this little tree grow. We are afraif of calling it a memorial tree, because if it dies thats going to hurt.. but we both know that it’s for Grady. I love seeing our tree, the garden, the butterlfies, and little things inside the house that remind of us him. I ordered a pewter cup that says Grady Thomas. It makes me smile to see it on the shelf in our bedroom.
Sorry if this is tmi, but AF came back for me a few days before i began work, it was super heavy, not too many cramps, but it’s still here… spotting. I’m hoping for it to completely clear so that I can officially reboot my body.It came at 7.5 weeks PP. I pumped for a week, so that delayed it. I have gone back to charting my cycles, just to be sure that I’m ovulating and such. I like to know that my body is working again. We haven’t decided when we might be trying again. December is the earliest we are allowed, but mentally…. i’m still not there. I get moments of panic where I think I’m pregnant and something is going to go wrong. Once I realize that I’m not, I calm down. I don’t have anything to worry about right now. I’m scared for the days when I won’t be able to calm myself down by not being pregant. But then there are other moments where I desperately want to pregnant. I want a baby in my arms. The thing I keep saying to myself is: “When the doctors told you that only bad things would happen if you continued on, how did you stay so positive? Now the doctors are telling you that good things will happen the second time around, how can you be so negative now?” The difference is that there is no life yet. There is no poor helpless child in my womb with a heartbeat that needs me. Getting to that point is going to the hardest. I know that once it happens, I will be forced to stay positive. I would want the next baby to be in a positive environment. I want to get there.
This has turned into a novel, i apologize for the length. My therapist appointments have been going well. I had my second on last week, and i have the third one tomorrow. I told her that i do not want to go the anti-depressant route, and she was perfectly fine with that. In our last session I just talked the whole time. She gave me a few good suggestions about letting the feelings wash over me like a wave. Embrace them and then watch them flatten out like an ocean wave does. I tried that. It was helping for a while. Some of the WB september mommas are having their babies already. (hi if you’re reading this!). The wave suggestions did not help with that. A good cry and some focusing on my own future helped a bit, and many warm hugs from my Darling Husband. I am genuinely happy for them. I have checked in here and there, hoping that their babies are delivered safe and sound. I know the bad that exists and I never want anyone to have to go through it. So far all are well and I am glad. It’s hard to see though. That was “supposed to be” me. My husband says that nothing was supposed to be anything. A due date means nothing. Grady was born in June. Thats the most important date. I will check back on the sept moms eventually… but for now I unfolllowed all the new moms and pregnant women on my FB and IG. I am trying to protect myself. I’m a glutton for punishment though. I need to stop checking up on the things that hurt me. I’m trying to be kinder to myself.
Thank you guys for still caring about me. It really really means a lot to me.