Post # 17
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
Guys just have to be in that right place. My SO knows that I’ve been wanting to get engaged/married for years, but we met young (19 and 20) and are just now getting settled. For a guy, it often comes down to the old fashioned notion of being able to support a wife and family.
Post # 18
Can you see yourself marrying any other man?If you can’t see that possibility then you know he’s your man and he’ll be worth the wait.
It is a tough situation because your tired of waiting already, but he might not be ready. i know that sucks, I’ve been there. But you can’t make him ready.
You can try to make him see what he’s missing if you leave. That is a huge risk because you may loose him altogether, but if you do loose him, you were never meant to be together. What is most important to you?
Post # 19
OP; my fiance and I started dating 03′ and he JUST proposed last sept. The math indicates almost seven years! I had a deadline in my head, and he pretty much didn’t stick to it. Later I found out why…
When he proposed, I actually asked him what took so long.. he replied, “as soon as you stopped thinking about us as a ‘deadline’, I began seeing an opportunity to prove to you that our ‘deadline’ meant forever to me, and i wanted you to see that too..” He meant that once i stop thinking of the proposal as an “end” of something, he started seeing it as the wonderful ‘forever’ he’d always imagined. He just wasn’t ready, and me pushing him clouded the dream of ‘forever; he had invisioned for us.
I say let HIM breathe a bit, i’m sure he senses your frustration. Tell him you love him REGARDLESS of the waiting and just remember when you get nutty, cause ya will, that he wants to know it’s more about forever, then just a specific moment.
Just my two cents doll. 🙂 GL!
Post # 20
Wow! Thank you so much for all your replies!
I never actually said, “propose by five years or I’m dumping your azz.” It was more generic, like, “I don’t think I could date anyone more than five years without a proposal.” It was a discussion about my wants vs. his wants. It certainly didn’t feel like an ultimatum at the time, because he agreed with me. From the very beginning, he wanted to get married around 27, and he’d be turning 25 shortly after our fifth anniversary. I thought there was a plan that we had both agreed to follow.
It wouldn’t be as big of a deal to me if he hadn’t broken his own timeline-twice. He tells me he’s seriously considering proposing next year, and yes, I do believe him when he tells me he’s thinking about it. He’s always THOUGHT about proposing-it’s the follow through that seems to be difficult for him. There is no doubt in my mind that he will propose to me at some point, but I guess, it’s about the principle. It’s about the fact that he has put me through such an emotional roller-coaster. I never gave any serious thought to us getting married until he put the idea in my head, and it has been a nightmare ever since.
Post # 21
Hm. I sense that there may be a miscommunication in here somewhere. You thought he was in agreement with you about a timeline, but he may have just been speaking happily about something that still felt far away (5 years in the future) but not taken it as a decision.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but it’s how I try to deal with things in my own relationship. I would try to talk with him about it very honestly and without any anger or frustration. Like .. “I’m not sure if you know, but I’ve been feeling really upset lately. I had in my mind for years, since we talked, that we were in agreement about getting engaged within 5 years. And now that we’re not.. I’m afraid that it may be something that’s going to get put off again and again. Did you know that I was kind of thinking of it like an actual timeline and I’m wondering what happened now?” And go from there.. see how he reacts. If he sees that you are upset and really understands that it’s not about forcing him when he isn’t ready (he shouldn’t be forced!) but making sure that you really are on the same page, hopefully he should react by wanting to give you more solid assurances! If he doesn’t… maybe it’s a bad sign.
Post # 22
I know this thread is old, but I’ve been talking to him quite a bit lately, and I guess for my own sanity, I need to put it out there.
Basically, I just want to ramble.
He can’t propose within the next six months because he’s not where he wants to be financially. He’d like to graduate and start working before proposing. This never came up in conversation before because he didn’t realize it would take him 8 years to finish his bachelors-he never expected it to be an issue.
I am not a full-time student. I work two jobs and take an occasional class here and there. Waiting for me to finish school isn’t very practical, and he’s not really worried about that too much, anyway.
Waiting has gotten tough because…
a) He’s been a full-time student for six years, and he still hasn’t finished his undergrad-he thinks he has another two years. No, he did not change his major, and yes, he passes all his classes. I met him when he was a sophomore, so obviously, five years seemed reasonable. I understand wanting to finish first, but I think he’s expecting a bit much for me to keep waiting while his undergrad drags on and on.
b) I am surrounded by student couples who got engaged within a year or two of dating. They may be engaged for a few years, and then they get married after graduation. It’s hard to be understanding of his desire to be settled before proposing when so many other young men I know don’t seem to have those issues.
Honestly, unless something really unexpected happens, I don’t think I’m going to stay with him.
Post # 23
Why is it taking him 8 years to finish a 4 year degree? If he is passing all his classes I just dont understand how thats possible. What kinf od program is it?
But anyways, thats besides the point. You guys are still young. I know people hate hearing that, but its true. And he has a right to feel the way he does. If hes still in school, how will he earn a living to support you? What if something happens and you cant work, how will he pay the bills? Where will guys live? How will you pay for a wedding?
Post # 24
Ok, taking 8 years to finish a bachelor’s degree is ridiculous. He must be taking a ton of classes that don’t pertain to his degree. Which to me, indicates that he’s stalling or just horribly immature. I honestly wouldn’t tolerate that.
Post # 25
Talk to him honestly, but don’t make it sound like you’re pressuring him to ask – that won’t help. In my experience if he wants you to be his wife – he’ll make it happen. period.
Also if he can’t get an undergraduate degree in 8 years then what can he do? Would you be comfortable with him proposing with no ring? What about something cheap – say gemstone ring for $200? If you love him then the financial ring issue shouldn’t be an obstacle. My parents got engaged with no e ring or diamonds at all!
Post # 26
When you said he’s in school I assumed you meant graduate, medical, or law school and I was going to say to cut him some slack. But he’s been a full-time student for 6 years and he’s still not done his BACHELORS?? Wow. I don’t know how that’s remotely possible but there is something wrong with that situation. RUN!! I’m sure you love him, but I’m not sure why you would even want to be engaged to him right now. He is so far from being ready for marriage it’s not even funny. I know you’ve invested a lot of time in the relationship but you are still so young. Cut your losses and move on to better prospects.
Post # 27
I’d recommend that you do what feels right to you ! If 5 yrs is your time line, than 5 yrs it is, walk away, if he’s serious, maybe the jolt of you walking will awaken him to get real and finish up this school saga, get engaged and start moving forward. I completely respect the 5 yr time line regardless of age, you know what you want, go after it and good luck 🙂
Post # 28
I get what you’re feeling. After about year 4 1/2 I too was ready to be like WTF? What’s going on? I had to take a step back and realize why I was feeling this way.
I’m not saying that you aren’t justified in your feelings because I don’t think anyone has the right to tell you that – but what I will tell you is to stop focusing so much on an engagement. What is that ring or guesture really going to change about your relationship? You’ll still wake up at the same time, work the same jobs, do the same things together, but with better jewelry and a different nickname for each other.
If you two have a wonderful relationship, please don’t throw it away for the sake of a proposal. I’m on 5 1/2 years and still waiting, and while I admit that it is tough, I just remind myself what we have, and everything I would stand to lose if I walked away. It makes the waiting decision much easier 🙂
Post # 29
Wow…so much to think about/feel. It can be so distressing. You are youngish. You are not married or committed, and he isn’t committing so step back and evaluate your life, your dreams, and goals. If you have a faith, pray about this big decision. You are just beginning your life and it can go anywhere. Spread your wings and fly if you want. But, being a bride in her early 30’s, it’s good to fly for a short time…:) Best of luck to your and your life.
Post # 30
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks that’s fucking ridiculous!
Post # 31
Yes, you guys are young and still in school, and I think that many guys do like to do things one at a time, and the standard seems to be graduate and get financially stable first, and then get engaged. But your not that young, and you have been together 5 years, and you’ve talked about when you want to get engaged and then he doesn’t honor it. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and explain how your feeling. If it’s taking him that long to complete his bachelors, that could be a trend he follows the rest of his life..:/ If he is absolutely who you want, then stay with him, but either way sounds like you guys need a heart to heart. Good luck!