Post # 32
I don’t understand why you can’t be engaged while he’s still in school. You can still wait to have the wedding until he finishes and gets a job.. if he knows he wants to marry you, why not propose? I understand wanting to be “stable” before you get married.. but why does that have to affect when you get engaged?
Post # 33
my SO took 7 yrs to finish his bachelors. yes, he changed his major, three times. but 8 years without switching majors? confused? and i don’t understand the necessity of having to be out of school to be engaged either…i mean, he loves you, but i just think he’s either still not 100% sure or isn’t ready and is just giving you excuses because he is having a hard time being truthful about how he really feels. i am sorry you are going through this 🙁
Post # 34
Thank you for all the support/advice! We’ve talked so much over the past few days-plus I’ve been reflecting on the past 4 1/2 years and putting together the patterns in his behavior.
He is petrified of getting married. He lives with his parents, and they take care of EVERYTHING. They won’t let him have a checking account or credit card. They pay all his tuition and books and buy his cars. They’ve always made everything come out ok for him, and they’ve always made comments along the lines of “you can’t do anything without help,” etc. (I’ve heard these comments on numerous occasions.) He’s terrified of having to be an adult and be responsible for his own life.
Well, I hope this doesn’t come off as harsh, but that’s not my problem, and I’m not about to make it my problem. If he really wanted to be married to me, he’d push past that fear, and if he really can’t, then I need to cut my losses.
I told him that after our fifth anniversary all bets are off-meaning I have no idea how I’m going to feel, which is true. He understands that there are no guarantees, and even though he’s upset, he’s willing to take the risk. That hurts.
He’s begging for another year-he swears it’ll happen by our sixth. I’ve heard it all before. He keeps telling me he just needs a little extra time to work through all those issues. What have you been doing all this time?
I know he’s comfortable with the idea of spending his life with me-I know he would do it eventually. I’m just not sure eventually is good enough, anymore.
I know I’m young, but why should I waste my time and energy when the majority of men in my peer group are still available?
I guess I’m just looking for confirmation that cutting him loose is a perfectly acceptable choice.
Post # 35
I don’t think the issue is whether the timeline of 5 years or bust is the issue – the issue should really be do you feel committed to him and do you feel that he is committed to you? Why the pressure to get married? Is he the type of man you want to marry? It sounds like your analysis of him is pretty negative. Do you want a more mature guy?
My bf proposed shortly after our 6 year ann. in Feb of this year…but I didn’t tell him I was ready until Sept. of 2010. He waited for me because he knew I felt too young to marry (I’m 26 now and we’ll be getting married in Sept. of 2012, when I’ll be 28). I also had NO idea he was going to propose that soon, I thought he was going to propose at the end of 2011.
When was the last time you talked to him about the future and marriage? Guys seem to not care too much about anniversaries so maybe if you two haven’t discussed in a few years, he’s forgotten how you feel? I would have a heart-to-heart chat and see how you feel after that. Maybe he’s saving up right now to buy a nicer ring? Who knows what’s going on in his head until you ask him. Ultimately, if you feel like he is not the one based on his personality, his views on responsibility, and his views on marriage and when to get married, then you’ve already made your decision. Good luck, hon.
Post # 36
I’m not surprised he’s terrified! He doesn’t even have a checking account? And he’s been in college for eight years? And he still lives at home?
Did his parents wrap him in bubble wrap when he was a toddler? I’d be real scared of marrying that, to be honest…
Post # 37
Leaving him is ABSOLUTELY an acceptable option, and in my opinion, it’s the best option.
This guy is not an adult. He is not ready to be a husband. You want better than this, and I absolutely think you can find better than this. Best of luck to you! 🙂
Post # 38
It is a tough situation. On one hand, he is still in school, there probably aren’t a lot of extra funds…it does make things difficult. I know now that I wasn’t really ready to be married until after I had my bachelor’s degree and completed my first year of teaching. At that point in my life, I was in a similar situation to your SO. My parents paid all of my bills while in school (though I did work when I was on vacations).
On the other hand, you have been burned twice with deadlines, you realize that he has some commitment issues, and he seems content to let his parents take care of everything. I would have some major concerns with this.
If you are wanting to stay and give him an extra year, I would tell him that you’re expecting to see him making some progress towards these goals throughout this next year.
I do think that if you want to leave, I would completely understand. Five years is a long time, and you are still young. My Fiance and I had been together for nearly six years before he proposed. He was going through some school things, and it was a tough decision to make. I did decide to wait for him because he hadn’t let me down before and he was doing things to move towards a proposal.
***Hugs*** Good luck with your decision!!
Post # 39
I don’t blame you one bit if you decide to leave. He’s not an adult.. clearly. His issues seem like they will take more than a year to resolve, honestly… and he should have been working on them LONG ago. He’s not hubby material in my book. Cut your losses.