(Closed) my list vs mom's list

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
23790 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@AndysCraftsNmore:  Aww, sorry you’re having to deal with this.  Guest list was the most stressful thing during wedding planning for us as well.  Sounds like it’s time to sit down with your mom and have a chat about what’s important to you/her and see if you two can come to an agreement, and maybe cut some of the headcount.  I do generally like the rule of not inviting people that you yourself don’t know, but only if it’s not going to cause a lot of strife with your mom.

Post # 4
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sorry, but if your mom is paying, she gets a say.  It sounds like a pain though.  You should definitely sit down and talk things out, maybe she could only invite a few of the coworkers.  But I think you should be flexible.

We’re paying for the wedding and reception ourselves so we asked our parents if there was anyone they’d like to invite.  They’re only asked to invite a couple of friends each so it wasn’t a problem.

Post # 5
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@AndysCraftsNmore:  This is a pain, but could you possibly give her 16 guests? I’m getting that number from the 100 you wanted minus the 84 you and FI have listed. I know it’s had but I would try to come to a balance between what she wants and you two want since she’s paying for it all. 

Post # 7
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@AndysCraftsNmore:  Ya, I figured you meant 16 plus guests. Are they all coworkers? Maybe if there’s some division (like 5 close friends, 11 coworkers) it will make it easier to negotiate with her. Even though it’s silly, it’s hard to invite just half an office to something. Maybe some people won’t come?

Post # 8
1689 posts
Bumble bee

A lot of people mix up the logistics of a wedding with the logistics of a stage-show. A stage-show is one big event involving venue, costumes, lobby refreshments, transportation, props, hired performers — all showing up on the same budget and all the responsibility of the one producer. Anyone who sponsors any one of these costs is “helping with the funds.”

A wedding is the ceremony joining two people into a married couple. The only costs involved are the marriage license and the clergyman’s fee, and those are the responsibility of the two people getting married. However several other separate events may accompany a wedding ceremony. For example, there’s the “getting dressed in the morning” event. That’s the responsibility of the person getting dressed, even if the thing she is getting dressed in is a super-expensive white ballgown — and the cost of the thing you’re dressing in does not count as a “cost of the wedding”. There’s the special vacation the couple take to get to know each other as husband-and-wife — you guessed it: that’s a separate cost, also not part of the wedding budget. And usually some hostess gives a celebratory party to which she invites people who come to observe the ceremony, and of course the costs of the party — that would be the venue rental and the catering fees — come under the budget of that separate event.

All of which is to say that a lady who is “paying for the reception location and dinner” is not just “helping with the funds”; she is the sole funder of the only wedding-day costs that involve inviting anyone. She has a pretty good claim to be the hostess of the wedding if she chooses in which case the entire guest list would be at her discretion and you would be petitioning her for the privilege of inviting your chosen eighty-four guests. And yet she has yielded to you the authority that a hostess normally wields, and is merely asking you to accomodate her guests as well. Why would you want to deny her this reasonable request when she is already doing so much for you?


Post # 9
8156 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@AndysCraftsNmore:  since your mom is paying for the food and venue, let her invite the guests who she wants.

by you paying for everything else, music, flowers, etc that cost is not going to change based on the number of guests.  yes, you might need one more centerpiece but in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal.

iif your mom pays for them and wants them there, let her invite them.



Post # 10
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I agree with the above posts – If your mom is covering the costs, she gets to invite people. We had some trouble with the guest list starting out because we wanted a not-huge (as in, fewer than 100 guests) wedding and I felt like my moms list was large. I then thought about it, and rad a great article that appeared over the summer in Slate about inviting your parents friends. This is an event for all the generations involved, and being (reasonably) generous with the invites is not a bad thing. If they want to come and celeabrate with you (and your mom), then you should welcome them warmly.

Post # 11
1312 posts
Bumble bee

I hear ya.  I want a small wedding of 50 people but my mom wants me to have a huge wedding so that she can invite everyone she knows and their dog.  However, my mother’s not contributing financially so I’m putting my foot down.  Since your mom’s making such a significant contribution…good luck with your negotiations!

Post # 12
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

@AndysCraftsNmore:  I am in a similar possition as you. My mother is paying for the venue and food. but FI and I are paying for everything else.
I have just been bargining with my mom.
We made a guest list with everyone we would like to invite (that would include mom’s co-workers who I don’t know) Then we decided What are cap was. (120) and we made our guest list accordingly. Obviously your family and friends take prority. Let your mom know you are giving her 15 extra people to invite, but 100 is the limit. Favors cost per person, centerpieces cost (unless that’s included in what she is paying for… ext.) Adding just a few more people can raise cost. Let her know that.

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