(Closed) My little cousin's mom passed away. Need advice?!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is a tough one. She’s just a kid, and she’s been through a lot, but that doesn’t excuse her behavior. Have you tried talking to your uncle about this? Even though he wants to be the “good dad,” he’s allowing his child to disrespect you and your mom right in front of him. It sounds like she needs a little more discipline.

I wouldn’t be buying her anything else either. In fact, after her outburst, I would have taken those gifts back and returned them. Also, 12 year olds wear makeup and use eyeshadow palettes? This is news to me.

Post # 4
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sounds like not only did your niece lose her mom but she also lost her source of stability and discipline.  To echo what UberClaire said, I think maybe your best bet is to try to help the dad.  Does he seem like he is open to assistance? If he is used to sharing custody, he is probably really overwhelmed so his poor habits as a dad are probably even worse than they were before.  I think that your cousin needs counseling and the dad could probably either use counseling or some parenting classes. 

Also, I think it would help to just really try not to take it personally, this girl just does not know any better, no one is setting a good example for her.  So it was probably best that you and your mom didn’t get angry with her, but just modeled being normal human beings.  I think you need to continue to try to be there for her, but expect for it to take time for her to accept your love and guidance. 

Post # 6
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I honestly think the best way to handle this situation is to have your mom talk to your uncle. Your cousin both verbally and physically disrespected your mom (and you), and your uncle shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. Nothing’s going to change if he doesn’t realize that there’s a problem, so I think it’s up to your mom to have brother/sister chat with your uncle. She needs to tell him how hurt she was to have been treated like that and how it’s unacceptable that your uncle did nothing about it.

Post # 8
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

ohhh…

she is just reacting to having her world turned upside down.

“I love me, too!” c’mon….this is a thinly veiled scream of terror.

She probably thinks nobody is going to take care of her now… she’s acting useless and extra spoiled because she wants the world to “prove it” that she’s not all on her own…

I would really have a thick skin here, and be as kind as possible… I don’t believe that the little girl actually has bad character deeply engrained. It will just take a while for her to feel ready to show her more vulnerable side.

Post # 9
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@BakerBee16:  This girl and her dad need to be in therapy. It seems like something she has needed since her parents seperation, and now the bad behavior is being reinforced by her lack of discipline and stability from her dad.

 

What’s more, she is hititng puberty. This needs to happen before her crazy hormones enter the mix. She’s at a really fragile stage right now where her family (ie, dad) has the ability to change the narrative of her life from “she was a real hellion when she was younger, but I’m glad we worked it out” to “she’s always been like that”

 

Maybe suggesting a professional to talk to to her dad in terms of allt he changes in her life might not be too “in your face”?

Post # 11
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@BakerBee16:  oh, I am not AT ALL justifying her behavior! What she is doing right now is driving away the few people who want to help her and love her. Of COURSE that would make you feel awful!

 

I knwo this is not the norm in most families, but in mine, regardless of circumstances, if a child behaved the way your niece is, any single one of my aunts or uncles, or anyone over 18 would be well within thier rights (and encouraged) to set that kid straight. It’s a sort of “takes a village” mentality. My nephew is the best behaved kid I have ever seen. And he is incredibly loving and sweet. It’s because he knows that he’s got an entire city of aunts, uncles, and cousins who will not only love him unconditionally and protect him, but who will also tell him honestly when he is doing something wrong.

 

Theres a powerful feeling of love and acceptance that comes fromt hat kind of environment.

Post # 12
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@BakerBee16:  It might be a good idea for your mother and anyone else your uncle can havea  frank confrontation with to sit down and talk. For everyone’s sake (particularly your cousin’s) you guys need to all get on the same page. Everyone’s miserable, including your cousin. If you and your mom are being tapped to tag team the older female role model figure for this girl, he’s going to have to give her the discipline she needs to turn her attitude around abot you two.

 

I am so sorry about this situation, which was already well developed before the loss of your cousin’s mother.

Post # 13
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Asia:  i like this response, I think that any one of her elder relatives should feel able to speak frankly with her and tell her when she is out of line.

 

There is nothing loving or respectful about allowing a child to mouth off to you and act inappropriately. I think she is truly asking to be reprimanded here. The more people who are upfront with her and do not allow her to get away with disrespecting her elders, the more people who obviously care about her. Not that she will see that in the moment, but keeping a child happy every second is not how to raise a happy child. I understand how heartbroken and lost she must feel, having just lost her mother, and now is an especially important time to be sensitive and loving with this girl. But taking her abuse is not being sensitive and loving, it is disrespectful to yourselves and to her, and it is not helping her in the long run. You and your mom should just be open and honest with her and explain that you want to be there for her but her attitude and actions are really hurtful and inappropriate. Honestly what is your uncle going to say to contradict that? “No, she’s being perfectly polite!” I don’t think so. She needs somebody to set boundaries for her, espeically if her dad is bad at doing so. 

 

Post # 16
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@araneidae:  Thanks. I felt very loved as a child from being raised in this sort of way.

 

@BakerBee16:  Best of luck with bringing this up with your family! I’m sure everyone can agree that a change needs to be made. I hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible for you and yours.

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