(Closed) My little vent…waiting is killing me and our mutual best friends are engaged

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I totally know how you feel and was in your shoes just a few months ago. My only advice is to one last time, make sure that you guys are on the same page and have the same "timeline" in mind so that you know this is going where you want it to.  He might be waiting for the right time for him, possibly because he needs time to research for a ring and even save money for one. He might have clammed up because he has to plan the proposal, etc. It’s actually a lot of pressure for a guy! I think as long as he lets you know that he wants to propose to you soon, you just have to be patient–I know, easier said than done! I ended up being so busy with school and work so that kept me from constantly thinking about how everyone else was getting engaged while I wasn’t. Just keep yourself busy and maybe even do some light research ahead of time so that when he does propose, you’ll be ready to start planning!

Post # 4
Member
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh I feel for you! We’re both 30 this fall and our mutal bff’s {who we also met through} got hitched last fall {they had about 6 mths date time on us}. THEN another of FI’s bff’s got engaged… when everyone was expecting we would be next, and they would be much further down the road! We had previously talked about it, and I was pretty sure it would happen eventually, but I’m not proud to say I gave Fiance the cold shoulder the entire night after we found out about the engagement.

Anyway… chances are your guy is just freaked out by all the wedding hoopla {ie. cost} and stress that potentially goes into a wedding. And maybe he’s feeling pressured to pop the question… even if it’s not coming from you. I say try your best to let is happen naturally, because the last thing you want is a pressure-based proposal. And try to get out with your friends without any wedding talk!

He asked for a few months with no pressure, so give it to him… if you’re still freaked out say 6 months from now, so much so that it’s effecting your relationship, then maybe tactfully broach the subject again. Even if he isn’t ready to pop the Q, talking about your future together is never a bad thing!

Post # 5
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ve been with my fiance for 7 years and we have a 5 yr old together. We got together at 21 or so and we did go through some things but nothing major that would cause us to break up. I actually had magazine subscriptions for bridal mags sent to our house back in 2005 but he never said a word. Last year a couple that we are friends with announced their engagement. They had only been together maybe a year and he proposed so naturally that pissed me off. I went off on FH about it for some time. Well what I didn’t know is that FH had gone to D Geller and Son and put down a deposit on my ring and had been paying on it for awhile and had every intention on proposing but then his friend came out of left field and went and purchased one from the same store but on credit and then popped the question which also threw him for a loop b/c he had no idea that was going to happen and he knew I would be pissed. I was happy for them but wanted to be happy for myself also. I felt like I put in a lot of years and a kid for this proposal to take sooooo long. Well on the bright side I did get asked on V-day this year and it was beautiful and memorable. The other girl didn’t really get asked and ruined her proposal b/c she has to no where he is at every waking moment and she kept calling him asking where he was while he was purchasing the ring and when he lied about where he was she kept accusing him of cheating so he kinda just threw the ring at her. If you want to see my proposal story check the announcements section and search ROYAL PROPOSAL. Pics included.

Post # 6
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

hahahah he threw the ring at her aw, so funny, see at least you had a beautiful proposal

Post # 7
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I can relate in many ways!  I’ve been with my guy for 6 1/2 years – 4 years long distance during college – but we’re in our mid 20s.  We’ve talked about marriage and know we want to get engaged sometime soon.  My best friend and roommate has been with her guy for just over 2 years – 1 year long distance.  Everyone assumed that my guy and I would be the first to get engaged – we don’t talk about it or anything honestly, just it was assumed since we’ve been together so long.  I knew my roomamte would be getting engaged soon, probably this summer.

 Well, she came home Easter weekend….and…surprise!  Engaged. Just as you, I’m honestly thrilled for her, but was a bit blindsided, I guess.  I had feelings (and being honest, occasionally still do 1 month later) that my relationship is inadequate or not as serious, etc.  My boyfriend and I are best friends, never argue, and unfortunately her boyfriend is a bit of a jerk pretty often and her future mother in law is going a bit crazy already.  I don’t wish those things on her at all, and I do everything I can to help.  But honestly, it does remind me that the grass isn’t always greener on the "I’m engaged" side.  I’m not engaged, but I’m not dealing with ANY of the drama taht she has to right now surrounding her relationship.

 To help empathize with you more, I found out from my boyfriend (who cannot keep a secret from me even if I ask him to, haha) that he was actually going to propose the week following my friend’s engagement – how about that.  We had talked about it in the past, and I was honestly getting a bit impatient.  Well, my friend’s engagement brought up a lot of feelings for me that I recognized finally was not how I felt about my relationship, but my frustration that OTHER people would take an "engaged" relationship more seriously, and consider it better, than mine, even with all of the unknown issues that hide beneath the "Look, we’re engaged!" surface.   

 After I did that ramble, I do have a point – promise.  My boyfriend and I agreed to wait at LEAST 1 month before he has the green light to do anything – I want to give my friend her moment and time to be excited without stealing her thunder.  On the same note though, enjoy this time that you’re waiting, and remember that (hopefully) you’ll never feel this way again…it’s something to cherish, in a way.   I know waiting is hard, TRUST ME, waiting AGAIN after you know you could have been engaged 3 weeks ago is hard, too, but just like you said, enjoy your life each day, do your own thing, have fun being with your guy, and live YOUR life – things happen for a reason, there’s really no race, and once you get engaged you’ll never be able to go back to feeling this anticipation.

Best of luck! Hang in there!

Post # 9
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

A couple of  years ago, after dating for almost two-years, I knew that my then boyfriend would be my husband. Him–not so much!  He knew that someday he’d want to settle down and have a family, but he was in no rush to get there.  I was furious with him when for Christmas he had bought me a very expensive (but not engagement) ring. I was 26 years old and felt like maybe we were not just on different pages, but in different books completely. I’ll never forget one day I sat down with my mom and sister and I was seriously contemplating ending the relationship for no other reason than that he could not tell me when he would be ready to marry.  My sister gave me some really wonderful advice. She basically asked me if I would rather be with him and not engaged/married or not with him. Did I think I would find someone else that made me laugh/smile/love the same way as he did? Those questions really made me think. Now two years later, we are only four months away from our big day. 

My advice to you (and those in similar situations) is to ask yourself those same questions.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to get engaged and get married and we measure everything in our lives against this.  But at the end of the day, you love your boyfriend for more than just because he is "willing" to get married.  Good luck!!

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I understand completely!!

 I dated my high school sweetie for about 10 years and it took him nine of those before he asked me to marry him, both of us at the age of 26. It was heartbreaking for me watching all my best friends, sisters and cousins getting married all around me, after dating for 1, 2 maybe less than 3 years. And then starting their families. I understood that I was ready and he wasn’t but there has to be a point where it moves to the next step. Unfortunately, we didn’t get married in the end. Which now, two years later I realize is the best thing.

And now I’ve been dating a fabulous guy for about nine months. I’m 28 and he is just turning 27 this month. I want to move in together, get married, have babies. He wants to wait till his mid-thirties for any of that, at least that’s his opinion right now. And even at nine months doesn’t even want to discuss living together. Thinking on this, and the advice someone gave above – I think that it will eventually come down to me sitting down and deciding would I rather be unmarried and with him? Absolutely. But a girl also needs to know that there is a level of commitment there.

I am lucky enough to have found someone who is super cute to me and damn near perfect – except he has commitment issues. But aren’t commitment issues a major red flag??

Post # 11
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

FurtureMrsBLT that is fabulous advice to think about! I’d rather by with Boyfriend regarless of a ring! I think it gets tough when those of us waiting aren’t sure we’re on the same page as our Significant Others…

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