My long, never ending personal hell of a miscarriage–a vent

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
15529 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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BeepBopB00p :  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.   Miscarriage is so hard to deal with as it is, but I know its even more of a mind fuck to give you that shimmer of hope after trying so long, and then to have it snatched away.  My first positive test was after 3.5 years and 4 rounds of IVF, with slow growth from 6 to 9 weeks until there was no heartbeat.   The wait is just agonizing.  I hope this ordeal ends soon and you can move on from this. 

Post # 3
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

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BeepBopB00p :  I’ve known this pain. Of wanting a baby so badly, of doing all the treatments exactly as prescribed, of finally seeing a positive pregnancy test, and of waiting in limbo for weeks while I lost a non-viable pregnancy. 

It felt like I’d lost my one chance of carrying a baby. I feared I’d never feel whole again. I worried I’d feel broken forever, and would painfully mourn this loss forever. 

And then somehow I stumbled forward, feeling broken still. I learned I was much tougher than I thought and that the human spirit is incredibly resilient. “I am a beast of burden” echoed (and still does, sometimes) in my mind and heart. 

And 7 rounds of fertility medications later I conceived ahain, and have a beautiful 28 month old. And a 7 month old.

I don’t feel broken. I feel whole. 

Ive stood in that pain. And it made me tough. Way tougher than I imagined I could be. And I’m a better mother for it. I’m grateful for every moment with my kids. Even when they’re both shrill screaming at 3am, because I remember how fleeting and fragile life can be.

I wish you the best, sending you love and light. And a freaking huge hug. 

Post # 4
Member
795 posts
Busy bee

Ugh, Im so sorry. If you know its over and youre ready to be done – say that to your doctor. 

When I had my miscarriage my doctor offered a wait and see option. But I knew at 8 weeks (and I was sure of dates), that no heartbeat on 2 ultrasounds meant it was gone. I told her that and she scheduled my D&E 2 days later. 

If you emotionally need this to be done, dont be afraid to say that. I think sometimes doctor dont want to push things too fast because of the emotional impact. But, for some people, drawing things out is worse. 

Post # 6
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I am so sorry you are going thru this, i am currently going thru a miscarriage myself. Baby died at 9 weeks and i went with the medication more conservative route, unfortunately it did nothing to me no bleeding just waiting and waiting with the pain of being reminded every single waking minute that im pregnant with a dead baby, i still have all the pregnancy symptoms and it’s absolutely Awful. Been waiting for almost 4 weeks now for the actual miscarriage to happen…

Tomorrow im having a D&C done and i have been crying all day on and off, I’m absolutely terrified but i just can’t keep going like this any longer.

 

good luck to you OP, and know that you are not alone and we women are fu***** badass.

 

Post # 7
Member
1899 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

I am so sorry. I have never had an ectopic but I have had 2 miscarriages in the past year. I remember being surprised by how long and drawn out the process was — miscarriage is so shrouded in mystery and misinformation that I had assumed it would just happen one day. I am so sorry you are going through this and totally understand just wanting it to be over. I hope it’s over for you very soon. 

Post # 8
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Bee, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve heard your situation called “beta hell” and that is probably understating it.

 

I am going through something similar. IUI, initially good betas, then on US at 6w2d there was an intrauterine pregnancy but about a week behind (no fetal pole).  At follow up US a week later, there was a growing embryo still measuring almost a week behind but cardiac activity at a heartbeat that is 100% NOT compatible with an ongoing pregnancy (77 bpm). Went back in today to see if heart had stopped.  Nope, embryo has grown another day or two in the last 4 days. Still cardiac activity at 76 beats per minute. Now there is no way I can get a D&C before next week. I’m super sick, gagging if not actually puking at least once a day. 

Post # 9
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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BeepBopB00p :  As I mentioned in another one of your posts I had a suspected ectopic after my 3rd iui. I got the methotrexate. I know being in limbo is the worst!! I can completely understand your pain and wanting it to be over. But if you can somehow avoid the methotrexate it would be better as taking it causes you to have to delay ttc for a bit. If you need it you need it but I can understand your doc waiting until fri even if it’s awful waiting. I hated having to wait a few extra months to try again. I am so truly sorry for what you are going through . When I went through this nothing anyone said really made me feel any better. After I took the methotrexate my doctor advised me to stay close until my numbers dropped to 0 but after that my husband and I planned a little trip during our wait in between trying again and that did help me some what. Maybe you guys could take a small trip even if it’s just a weekend getaway? Or do soemthing you enjoy? That helped me but eveyrone is different and you have to do what is best for you. Please be good to yourself. Again I am so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 10
Member
4259 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

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BeepBopB00p :  Sending hugs your way. I am so, so sorry that you’re stuck in limbo right now. There’s so much waiting involved in trying and then seeking out treatment… While I have not experienced a pregnancy yet, I can only imagine how difficult this all must be when the goal for so long is to just get that BFP. 

Post # 11
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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curlybeans :  Yes this! So true and so beautifully written!!!

Post # 12
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so so sorry to read this. I don’t have any personal experience, but I can imagine it would feel just unbearalbe. Sending you so much love and hoping it is all over soon so you can move forward.

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