Post # 1
So….anyone following anything I post on the wedding bit will know I have a loony Future Sister-In-Law who will not be attending my wedding for religious reasons, but wants to be ‘involved’ which is to say “dressed up, made up, hair done, and in the pictures”
Anyway, some of these religious reasons also prevent any of her friends from throwing her a shower. She would like me to do it (or her Mother, who won’t be here, or her Sister who is a college student and doesn’t really have the means to do so) so uh…is there a polite way to not throw someone a shower who asked you to?
Or do you just do it?
Post # 3
When does she want it? I would tell her due to your schedule you will be too busy, or something like that
Post # 4
That’s a very hard position to be in! I think it depends on whether you WANT to throw her a shower or not. If you don’t, maybe you could just arrange for a group of her friends to get together for lunch. Everyone could buy their own meal, and have gifts for your SIL? It would need to be worded very carefully when you invite everyone, as a “shower” typically means that the hostess will be providing food of some sort.
At the end of the day, her mother could always give her other daughter (the sister) some money to throw it…
Post # 5
Can you be the ‘hostess’ but have her friends help you out? I would be hard pressed to deny my Future Sister-In-Law a baby shower, esp if she asked me to throw it..
Post # 6
Wait wait, so because of ehr religion she can’t attend your wedding and she is okay with that…but when her religion means she can’t have a baby shower (which that must be the case since her regligious friends won’t do it), that is somehow ok? Or am I assuming wrong?
Post # 7
The baby isn’t due until winter so I can’t really say “I’m really busy that week” unfortunately.
I really wouldn’t mind doing it I just can’t reconcile her wedding behavior with the expected baby behavior. Is that just holding a grudge? I also wonder to what extent I’m enabling her “gimme” mentality by doing this? Any more thoughts?
Her religion does not explicity say she can’t come to the wedding. It is how her religious leader is interpreting it. Her religion also does not explicitly say she cannot have a shower, but it is not the ‘done thing’ in her religious community so none of her friends will host a shower for her.
Post # 8
It depends I think. If she asks you to throw her a shower and you say no, if she’s the grudge holding type, do you really want to deal with that? It might just be easier to suck it up and throw her the shower.
That being said, I do not think it should be a free for all where you wind up paying hundreds of dollars. Ask her how many people she wants to invite, and if it’s a large amount (like over 25, or to the point where it couldn’t be at someone’s home) then I think you can say you would need someone else to co-host. But if it’s a small enough gathering, make some cookies, set out some veggie trays and a few bowls of chips, hang up some balloons and call it good.
For the record, I do not think it’s appropriate to ask someone to throw you a shower. I think that’s putting someone on the spot. But since she did ask, and presumably is going to be in your life a long time, you could maybe throw her a bone and host a modest shower. If she starts coming at you with extravagant requests then I think you need to put your foot down because at that point she’s just taking advantage.
Post # 9
“For the record, I do not think it’s appropriate to ask someone to throw you a shower. I think that’s putting someone on the spot. But since she did ask, and presumably is going to be in your life a long time, you could maybe throw her a bone and host a modest shower. If she starts coming at you with extravagant requests then I think you need to put your foot down because at that point she’s just taking advantage.”
I threw a baby shower in part because I was sort of asked. When our friends announced their pregnancy, the mom to be told me that her nearest and dearest friends weren’t in a financial position to throw her a shower. I immediately volunteered to because I thought it was crappy that these girls couldn’t throw her shower. So I stepped up after hearing that her closest friends didn’t. My point is that sometimes the line is blurred on issues like that.
Post # 10
@Beansy: I’d be super pissed. So her religion’s beliefs can be interpreted so that weddings and baby showers are not allowed, and she has decided that even though she’s not coming to your wedding because of that, you should go to the trouble of throwing her a baby shower anyways?? So she just gets to pick and choose when she listens to her religious leader based on whether or not it benefits her. I would tell her that you know her religion means a lot to her since she isn’t attending the wedding due to it, and that I don’t feel comfortable throwing her a shower knowing that is also frowned upon within her religious views.
Post # 11
“I immediately volunteered to because I thought it was crappy that these girls couldn’t throw her shower. So I stepped up after hearing that her closest friends didn’t”
See, that is not the same thing to me as your friend walking right up to you and asking you to throw her a shower. She mentioned no one was throwing her one, and you volunteered. Sure, she may have brought it up hoping you would offer, but that is not the same as directly asking. And I’m glad you were willing to throw her one, because I’m sure she was very grateful.
Post # 12
Oh…thats the other thing
This girl *needs* a shower. Her parents are helping out, but her Dh is underemployed. I think what is rubbing me the wrong way is that instead of saying “Beansy, I’m really nervous about the money situation, I’m looking at all the things we will need and it’s really adding up” I was TOLD that I could/should throw a shower. Does that affect anyone’s position?
Carrieknitscake, I think you offering was great, because you OFFERED even though there was a hint.
Post # 13
Hint or not, I would bend over backwards for this couple and their family. They’re extremely close to us, so to hear that her oldest friends couldn’t get it together for her, I was sad. At the time, we just moved into our condo perfect for entertaining and went with it. Our dining room table arrived two days before the shower which helped alot. The mommy was extremely grateful for everything. I’m happiest when I give and it’s appreciated. She was so grateful in fact that she’s determined to throw us a baby shower when our time comes and make a baby diaper cake like I did for them. I kept on telling her that I made it because I wanted to do something crafty for them. She’s still so warmed by the party and our continued friendship, so it really made a difference volunteering my time and energy for them. Basically for me, a thank you whether on FB/email/card goes a long way with me.
Post # 14
If her friends religious reasons prevent them from throwing a shower, are they ‘allowed’ to attend one??
Post # 15
I would just do it since she is your SIL and you kinda want to maintain the peace