(Closed) My "Maid of Dishonor" (Rant/Vent)

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ms.Pie:  I’m so sorry this is happening right before your wedding but she seems like a self centered and really flakey friend to begin with that is going through some sort of rebellious phase.

Your big day is coming up so I would try to focus on that and then letting the cards fall where they may after the wedding.

Theres nothing you can do to change her. The only thing you can control at this point is your behavior and how you react towards her. Don’t let her and her problems ruin this for you and further than she already has.

Post # 32
606 posts
Busy bee

Ms.Pie:  LOL She sounds bat…shish kabob… crazy!!! 

You don’t sound demanding at all. Seems like everyone is forgetting that nothing was going wrong until she just decided not to plan or invite anyone to your bridal shower… and she didn’t really take care in what she wore to your wedding. I’d flip if someone dyed their hair like that as well, after ASKING my opinion as the bride of the wedding they’re about to be in after pulling those things.

Your maid of honour is supposed to respect you and your wishes on your big day, I mean whatever, hair is hair, she can do her thing, but she asked if it was ok for your wedding first. Your maid of honour should be planning your shower and bachelorette with your other bridesmaids, she should be calming you down and keeping you from getting cold feet. She’s supposed to take the tasks given and delegate with the other bridesmaids.

I think this is what drives me nuts with people just picking their BFFs and not thinking about who their closest, supportive, comes through for them 100% AND ORGANISED friends are.  

Post # 33
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery

I think you’re being a little harsh. 

She is clearly starting to take her life in a different direction than you are, distancing from the LDS church, which isn’t uncommon in young adults of strict faiths, and finding her own life outside of all that she has known. That said, it can certainly strain a friendship, especially since your lives were so aligned before.

But you have basically two options: 

Distance yourself from her and burn that bridge. DEcided wheter you want her in/at your wedding and go from there. 


Be her friend. Try to help her by listening to her and supporting her. Clearly money is tight, if it’s important that she is there and wearing something else, or take better care of herself, offer to help. 

Yes, the time before your wedding is stressful, expensive, and an exciting and important time for you, and it kind of sucks you are dealing with friendship issues right now, but this is the time to prioritize people and if you value her and want her in your life, it may take a little more extra work.

Post # 34
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I happen to disagree with certain PP’s regarding the hair color thing.  I do not think that someone should dye her hair a hideous color before she is in someone’s wedding.  Does she have to?  Of course not.  And the way she went about it was ignorant and disrespectful. 

Post # 35
1811 posts
Buzzing bee

Simplify things–

What’s done is done. Here’s what IS:

You guys are not on the same page about your wedding. She is stressing you out. She is having a difficult time with follow-through. Gently let her off the hook. Tell her you would love for her to be a guest at your wedding but in the interest of things not being made more stressful and inconvenient for HER (see what I did there?), it seems to be within both your and her best interests to have her concentrate on her life and her engagement rather than your wedding.

Post # 36
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

jess9090:  Wash she supposed to pick up a signed permission slip from OP before buying a box of Clairol? Obviously this girl didn’t think the hair color was “hideous”. Ignorant and disrespectful?

Post # 37
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Speck_:  bwahahahahahaha. 

Oh man, it kills me how much some women expect their BMs to organize their lives around someone else’s wedding. If one of mine shows up with “hideous” green hair then that’s fine. I didn’t choose them based on how pretty they’d look in pictures.

Post # 39
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ms.Pie:  Oh no, that’s terrible. She is with a controlling abuser, and a particularly vicious one at that, who closely monitors what she does and says.

I think all you can do is say you will always be there for her, whatever happens. At some stage you might want to hint that she leaves him, or visits without him, but that could be dangerous for her because it sounds like that psycho guy monitors her calls.

Hopefully some bees with more experience can give some more practical advice.

p.s. I suggest you start a new thread, or most people will just look at the title or first post, and miss the major update.

Post # 40
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Ms.Pie:  Oh no, that is so sad. I can’t imagine how sick I’d feel to see a friend with a black eye. I’m glad she was able to be there on your wedding day, at least. I hope she can find a way to get out of this relationship.

Post # 41
8589 posts
Bumble Beekeeper


Oh dear , very awful. I second the pp above who suggested you start a new thread. I’d   close this one off if I were you and move your update to be the first post of the new.   

I do hope she can get out of what sounds like a very toxic relatinship. Your helping her to do so will inevitabilty  be difficult  and she proabbly will give you a bad time ,  even blame you for stuff , but ….

And be careful of yourself and your new husband/marriage  too!  I know my h. get all worried if  I;m helping  in other people’s problems , he’s convinced I might have  another heart attack.   I won’t , but that’s what he thinks. And yours might  get anxious/cross  too if he thinks  you are spending the first part of your marriage distracted.

Post # 42
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Ms.Pie:  Yikes.  I don’t think there is anything you can do to get her out of this relationship…but maybe let her know you’ll always be there for her?


Post # 43
516 posts
Busy bee

What I don’t get is why you asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor in the first place.

Surely you know her well enough to predict her level of deference to/interest in prioritizing your wedding.

Post # 44
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Wow, I am so sorry about your friend.  I hope that she is able to eventually leave what sounds like an abusive realationship.  What is most interesting to me about this post is the fact that we really never know what is going on in a person’s life.  It might seem to us like the other person is being mean or contradictory, but the truth is that maybe the other person is suffering in a way we cannot understand or know.  I have been angry with Maid/Matron of Honor because she has not been supportive of me or my wedding.  She won’t ask me how things are going and when we talk she delibertly ignores the topic. 

I recently realized that she is hurting in her marriage and this has helped me be more compassionate towards her, but sometimes it is still hard because you want people to be happy and supportive of you always

I am glad your friend was able to make it to the wedding and now that you know her seemingly irritional behavior was not so irritional, you can continue to repair the relationship.  Best of luck to the both of you.

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