Post # 1
So, I am a little hurt right now. I got married in March of last year and asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. She got engaged on Christmas and I was soooo happy for her as she has been with her Fiance for over 6 years now. She has been asking me for a lot of help since I did all of my wedding stuff less than a year ago. I spent hours researching and calling venues for her like she asked me to do. Last week she told me she isn’t planning on having me be in her wedding party at all. However, she still wants me to be involved in the planning and throw her a shower and bachelorette party. Is it wrong of me to be a hurt and a little insulted? I would have NEVER asked a friend to help me do so much planning, as well as throw me parties, if I didn’t intend them to be in my wedding party. She plans to have her best friend from childhood who lives 2 states away, her sister (who won’t be much help at all) and her soon to be step daughter who is 12 and also won’t be helping much. So, I get why she needs me to help. But, I feel like why should it be my responcibility to do all this for her when I will get none of the recognition. Honestly, if I had known she wasn’t going to have me in her wedding a little over a year from mine I would have never made her my Maid of Honor. I would have had her in my wedding party, but I chose her as my Maid of Honor because my childhood best friend lived 2 states away and I knew she wouldn’t be able to help much. I wouldn’t dream of telling her I won’t help out, but I’m just really hurt. Am I being silly?
Post # 3
Not at all, that is ridiculous. Why doesn’t she want you in her wedding party? She can’t even be bothered to have you in the bridal party, not even Maid/Matron of Honor, but stll ecpects you to spend time and effort helping? You’d also be incurring expenses from hosting a party for her. Is she for real?
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Alexis22: Normally I think that just because someone stands up with you they don’t have to reciprocate when their time comes, but she’s not only not doing that…. she’s making you do all her footwork! I would tell her that you think it’d be best if someone in the party hosted those things and that you’re NOT going to be a free wedding planner for her just because you recently got married.
I’d sit back and wait for my invitation and not do anything else honestly, but you sound nicer than me 🙂
Post # 5
@Alexis22: This is a toughie. If it wasnt for her childhood friend being the Maid/Matron of Honor, I’d say that it’s just going to be her family, so let it go. I’m not a mind reader, so I cant shed light on to why the childhood friend was asked, and you were not.
I won’t lie, I’d be a little annoyed (ok, more than a little) if someone asked me to host showers and parties, help with planning, and generally put in the work that the MOH/family is typically expected to do. It sounds like she’s got her heart in the right place, and her reasoning is likely “well, I cant ask Alexis22 to be in the bridal party, but I want her to be included. She’s great with planning, so I bet she’d love to do tasks x, y, and z.”
So, no, you’re not being silly. I understand why you’d feel upset, especially if she was your Maid/Matron of Honor. If you’re not able to provide the effort and time she’s asking of you, then do what you can, and gracefully decline if you have other obligations. I would never ask someone to take on the role (essentially) of Maid/Matron of Honor if she wasn’t. I have some friends who love planning, doing DIY stuff, etc., and if they OFFER to help, I wouldn’t turn them down.
Post # 6
I’d be hurt but just because she was your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t obligate to make her part of her wedding party. Maybe she wanted to include you as a 4th, but her fiance only wanted 3 people? This happened with us. I wanted 6, fiance wanted 3, so we settled on 5 and I had to cut one of my closest friends out. I’m sure she was disappointed but she never said anything about it and totally understood when I finally explained the why to her. She has always been super happy and excited and helpful and there for everything along the way. It’s not that big of a deal. But given that you aren’t int he wedding party, you aren’t obligated to help her or throw her any parties – you can address that directly with her. If you want to help her out, great if not, don’t.
Post # 7
Not at all I would be hurt too. It’s rude to expect so much when you aren’t even a bm. I would understand if there was no bridal party at all. Not cool IMO.
Post # 8
ouch, I would be hurt too. I would tell her that you would love to be a guest but you’ll be unable to host wedding parties for her.
Post # 9
I equate her saying, “Your not in my wedding, but I still want you to do all this stuff for me.” to someone inviting you over to dinner, letting you help cook and then throwing you out the front door as soon as it’s time to eat. Boundary time, if your girlfriend wants these ladies to stand up with her, let them take care of her bridal whims and woes…you go get a massage and pick out a rocking pair of shoes to go to the wedding in….you are off the hook!
Post # 10
It’s one thing to not ask you to be in her wedding party, that would be a disappointment but to ask you to do all the work but not be in the party?? That’s just rude!! It’s absolutely NOT your responsibility to do legwork for her and it is DEFINITELY not on you to do a shower and bachelorette. That’s absolutely ridiculous of her to ask. I’m sorry you are dealing with this! Unfortunately I don’t have much advice on how to proceed from here…
Post # 11
I’d be insulted. If you want to be a little passive about it you can tell her you’d hate to step on anyone’s toes in the bridal party since those events are their responsibility, and thus you will not be planning those events.
I would not be that nice though.
Post # 12
@mchitt329: I agree.
Normally, it’s ok to not have someone be in your wedding party even though you were in her’s. But, you don’t then ask the non-BM to do your leg work. I would definitely be offended and hurt.
I would probably help her with little projects now and then, but say that I don’t have time to do big things, such as research vendors. I would also take PP’s advice and say that you don’t want to host a shower or bachelorette party because you don’t want to step on the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs’ toes.
Post # 13
I would feel hurt…I think its tacky that she expects you to throw all these parties for her. That isn’t fair. However did you guys have a problem after your wedding? Because you said that you only made her Maid/Matron of Honor because your childhood bestie was 2 states away. Doesn’t sound like she is really your best friend if you only chose her because someone else couldn’t help you out as much. That isn’t how you chose your bridal party. Or shouldn’t be. On the other hand though I would still feel hurt. I wouldn’t put much effort into helping her if she just sort of snubbed me from the wedding party.
Post # 14
I’d be a bit hurt also by this. If you aren’t in her wedding party, let her have her Maid/Matron of Honor do her dirty work for her.
Post # 15
“I totally understand why you want to choose those ladies to be in your wedding party. And throwing bachelorette parties and wedding showers is an honor that comes with that ‘position.’ I certainly wouldn’t want to take that away from them, since they’re obviously very special to you. Email me if you want to know the name of my florist.”
Post # 16
Sorry, no. That shit is all VERY expensive to do. She couldnt even ask you to be in the Wedding Party….just tell her look Id love to HELP, but I am not throwing those for you. Sorry.