(Closed) My mamaw has a "favorite" grandkid [VENT, LONG]

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 18
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee

@BakerBee16:  Yes we call that situation 

“The ILs”

Fi’s mother and father definitely favorite their daughter over Fiance. When he saved up to buy a new car, his mother still had to cosign b/c his credit wasn’t amazing. He had just graduated college, of COURSE it wasn’t great!

Anyway, he pays his own car payments and has been for 3 years now.

Fi’s sister got upset that “he gets everything” so they bought her a car too. Did she get a job out of college? No she failed out, got pregnant at 19, got a job 2 years later and was fired after a month for smoking pot in the bathroom.

A real gem. 

ETA: the sad part is, the only reason she got the job is through FMIL’s connections. There goes some of her credibility 🙁

Post # 19
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@BakerBee16:  I know everyone says, I love my kids exactly the same, but I feel that is unrealistic. When they are babies, sure, but when we get older we develop our personalities, make our own choices, and start to become individuals (no longer just a diaper to change, or a baby to snuggle).

How is it possible to love “exactly the same!” when everyone is a different person and you obviously connect to some more than others? People can say it all they want, but I don’t buy it. For example, I have many, many nieces and nephews. Do I love them all? Yup. Do I love all exactly the same? Nope.

One of my nieces is incredibly spoiled and obnoxious (and yes, I know, her parents did that) and I can’t stand spending time with her because all she does is cry and whine. Another niece has a lot in common with me (she likes animals, hiking, and is a low key kind of girl) and I connect with her.

To me, it makes sense to help out someone you raised and feel an obvious connection to. Is it fair? No. But it’s life, and it’s her choice.

Post # 22
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I wouldn’t distance myself from her.  Just tell her you can’t listen to her complain anymore.  Surely there are other things to talk about.  I mean if she is getting old you sound like it’s something that will bother you if you do distance yourself. 

 

I’m speaking from experience.  My oldest drug addict brother inherited over a million dollars, from our great aunt.  She scraped and saved her whole life. She only  ever gave money to her “favorite”… the drug addict.  Eventually he, his wife and their “lovely” child moved in with her.   She wa s 88 had leukemia, and declined rapidly in his care. My other brother and I snuck into their house and basically kidnapped her, and moved her into my house.

When she passed away the drug addict blew thru over $50k in less than 24hours.   She had expected her funeral to be paid from part of the money she left him.  He threw … what can only be described as a hissy fit at me about how cheap I was for not covering her funeral bills.  Mind you this brother is over 25years older than me.  My guess, since he tried to sue me a year later, is that the money is all gone. 

If I had cut her off or distanced myself from her, she would have died alone in a back bedroom and god only knows if my brother would have told anyone.  Did it suck growing up watching them cater to his every whim, sure, but he’s a miserable wretch and I actually made her happy.  you have to put the money stuff aside and remember she’s a person with faults and she may feel guilty for the way Ryan is, since she helped raise him.   

Post # 23
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@BakerBee16:  That’s true – I don’t tell my favourite niece that she is my favourite (though I don’t think it’s the best kept secret either – we spend a lot of time together). I totally get where you’re coming from – I hate to see people taken advantage of too, but remember – they are the engineers of their own misery.

You can’t save them from themselves, and they have to make their own decisions (whether you agree with them or not). It is annoying and frustrating, but don’t stress the things you can’t control. We have enough stress in our daily lives without adding more!!

My Fiance used to let everyone take advantage of him until I started to slowly point it out. Now he speaks up and it doesn’t happen anymore – he got sick of being used, once he actually realized he was being used.

Post # 25
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Every single one of my grandparents had an obvious favorite grandkid. Luckily they each had a different favorite so love got spread around to some degree. I was my paternal grandpa’s favorite. When he died my paternal grandma was wicked mean to mean for like a whole year. I’ve forgiven her but our relationship will never be the same.

Post # 26
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My FI’s family is similar – his mother gives and gives until she has nothing and I don’t expect that she’ll be treated well once she retires and has no more money coming in.  It is beyond frustrating and I want to scream sometimes about how she is being taken advantage of…but she allows it.  I have to treat it like its a disease or an addiction, something that I can’t change no matter how much I talk about it.  

Post # 27
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yeah it’s natural to relate more to one person over another, or one of your kids/grandkids makes you laugh til your sides hurt etc… but I think it’s wrong to overtly ‘show’ that in front of the other kids/grandkids. Because it really hurts. 

 

My Dad definitely relates a lot more to my younger sister and I’d go as far as to say she’s his ‘favourite’, he’s gotten better in the past few years and I do at least feel loved by him BUT it still sucks for those of us who didn’t make the ‘favourite’ list, asking ourselves what we have or haven’t done, why they don’t see our good qualities etc. 

Post # 29
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@BakerBee16:  Vent away.  But honestly, save your sanity and stop discussing it with her.  When she brings it up remind her that it’s her money and she can do whatever she wants with it but you don’t want to discuss the fact that she is disappointed in herself for giving it all away.  I would make her money and financial situation a non-discussion.

Sadly she will have learn the hard way that those mooching family members are going to disappear the minute she is truly in financial distress and needs their help the most.  Telling her she’s wrong and being swindled only makes her feel bad about herself and damages your relationship with her.  Focus on enjoying your time together and refuse to discuss the unpleasant financial situation she has put herself in.

Post # 30
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ok, there are a lot of issues here and I know that you see that, so I’ll only address you not being the favorite.

I was my grandma’s favorite, because she had such a big hand in raising me.  Its kind of like how you love your nieces and nephews, but you’ll never feel about them the way you do your own kids.  It isn’t personal against you, it’s just the relationship that she has with him.

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