(Closed) My marriage is failing and I'm terrified of losing him

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – Mrs.SplatterPaint:  you said,

Yes, this has been an issue for him for at least 3 years. I’ve seen my family dr. about it, switched my anxiety med, saw a counselor, talked to my obgyn about it…I know it’s an issue and I want to fix it but I just feel like I’m constantly being torn down because nothing is good enough.

Interestingly your list is all about the things YOU’VE DONE.  Marital Sex is a two-way street… it really needs 2 people.

And I find your last statement… “I just feel like I’m constantly being torn down because nothing is good enough” speaks volumes

Stop blaming yourself.  For sure go get some counselling… but come to terms with the fact that a marriage is 2 PEOPLE and he is just as responsible for the success of your marriage as you are (in and out of the bedroom)

Good sex can sometimes carry a couple thru bad times… but the oppposite isn’t always true.  And sex is a key element in any marriage / intimate relationship.  He is responsible for this situation as well (and YES most men don’t have a clue that women need a LOT of foreplay, not only in the bedroom but all day long… as some therapists say, “taking out the garbage, or doing the dishes” can work wonders for us gals.  This is also discussed quite well in John Gray’s Book *Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus*… when it comes to women, our sexually simmers just below the surface)

More of a worry to me is you say he is telling EVERYONE that your marriage is having problems… is a BIG RED FLAG for me.  Ya gotta ask yourself WHY is doing that ?  Choosing to humiliate you ?  Throwing in the towel early ?

Sadly, your relationship with each other seems to have a lot more going on than just this one issue IMO

 

Post # 19
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Have you given him ideas for what he could do to help you get in the mood more often? Grumping around the house and being disagreeable don’t make for great foreplay. Maybe if he made more of an effort to make you feel loved and make you feel wanted, you’d be more likely to want what he wants, too.

You can’t pout your way into getting sex. What if he got in the habit of giving you a foot rub or cooking you something delicious when he was feeling amorous?

Post # 21
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

I’ve read the Five Love Languages and found it really helpful.

It sounds to me like you’re having issues with feeling insecure and inadequate, with good reason based on what you’ve written. You’re not alone in that regard, and your feelings need to be addressed. Being intimate is a hugely emotional thing for most women and guys don’t get that because, well, they’re guys.

I’m so glad that you’re both going to see a counsellor.  Be kind to yourself, and remember that you are worthy and lovable just the way you are.

Post # 23
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – Mrs.SplatterPaint:  Thanks for the UPDATE where you said…

Another thing I forgot to mention, my dad has been living with us for the past almost 5 months since he is recently going through a divorce and it is also having an effect on our relationship. It’s hard to get in the mood with him sitting in the living room or worrying if he is going to come home at any moment. I’ve told my dad he needs to start looking for a place to live but he isn’t actively looking. It’s frustrating for both Darling Husband and myself.

THAT WAS HUGE… makes a big difference !!

As women we need to feel “comfortable” to have sex, and let our inhabitions go.  A woman’s nightmare is having someone walk in on her… we are just so vunerable in our sexuality.

No wonder things are chilly in the bedroom… having a Parent around is a HUGE turn-off to having sex.

Your Hubby and you need to talk about this issue in Counselling, and explore other things that may be “blocking” the sexy tiger kitten you could be from coming out to play more often.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 24
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

Oh no, your dad has got to go! It’s now time to tell him that his presence is having a hugely negative impact on your marriage and it has become an emergency.

 

Post # 26
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

@Mrs.SplatterPaint:  Perhaps you can help him find a place with roommates if he can’t afford his own place? Other family members?

Post # 28
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds like both Darling Husband and your dad are depressed, and both of them need to see a doctor and/or a therapist for help.  And then you’re caught in between them…no wonder you don’t want to have sex.  The fact that both of them have mentioned, (your Darling Husband on more than one occasion, by the sound of things) killing themselves is scary.  I lost a brother to suicide, and in HS, there was a rash of suicides.  Depression is serious business, and you need to do everything in your power to get both of them the help they need.

Post # 29
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@KatieBklyn:  Hrm, I totally get where you’re coming from.  My sex drive is completely mismatched with my FI’s (he wants more) and it was with my ex (I wanted more).  I totally get the rejected/depressed/unattracted feeling, but I still think that sex 1x a week supplemented with other sexual favors is really reasonable when taking into account other factors (her recent surgery, etc).  Plus, it seems like OP’s Darling Husband isn’t really doing much in terms of getting OP into the mood.  When Fiance turns around and says, “Want to make love?” I’m like, uhm, no. Boring.  When he compliments me and tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me, I’m all of a sudden perked up.  The point I was trying to make in my posts is that he needs to change his expectations and help OP get into the mood and that she needs to try some, too.  The expectation of his that I was referring to as unrealistic the most was that sex was always spontaneous.  It gets to a point in the relationship where it just isn’t spontaneous and 8x a week for most couples out there.  So yes, OP should understand that Darling Husband is probably feeling dejected and rejected, but Darling Husband needs to adjust his expectations as well (and put some more work/effort, too). 

@Mrs.SplatterPaint:  Fiance and I live with my parents, too.  It really is a struggle and when we’re home alone, we take the opportunity to get busy.  I’ve had to “train” Fiance a bit.  Whenever he does something right, I put out.  It’s taught him that when he says/does certain things to make me feel amazing and beautiful, he’ll get rewarded.  And when he doesn’t or I’m too tired, I put my foot down and say no.  He needs to learn there’s times he’s just not getting any.  And he has.  And we had struggles, but we’ve both decided we love each other and want to be together even if our sex life isn’t always the best, because it has its ups and downs.  I think your Darling Husband is being pouty and immature and has unrealistic expectations on how hard it is to keep a fire lit and going and to keep a relationship passionate.  It’s really not easy.  You have to liven it up somehow – foreplay, romantic dates, role playing, toys, costumes, whatever does it for the two of you.  I’m sure you know all this, but he definitely needs to learn it.  Also, read Fifty Shades of Grey – made for a lot of good sex while I was reading it.  🙂  And, keep us posted on your progress in counseling!  I really think this is something that the two of you can resolve with some good communication and I am wishing you the best!  *hug*

Post # 30
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@futuremrsk18:  Also, read Fifty Shades of Grey – made for a lot of good sex while I was reading it. 

Agree with everything you said except this part, but only because I disagree with everything that book stands for.  LOL

Post # 31
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Mrs.SplatterPaint:  

Yikes. Ok, so since you are asking for feedback on this forum I’m going to give it to you….

Your man, is not happy because you are not giving him “pleasure.” If you don’t like sex and don’t like giving it, that is going to be a problem because generally men expect sex when they marry someone….lol

I totally get that you were injured, etc…but honestly…this guy needs lovin’…and he seems to be expressing that to you…so if that is something you don’t think you can do, then you need to leave him.

 

 

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